


Garcia's Groupies

by PseudoName (Sambender)



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Autistic Spencer Reid, Bisexual Aaron Hotchner, Bisexual Derek Morgan, But it’s true, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Cussing, Dad Hotch, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Crack, Found Family, Gay Spencer Reid, Hurt Spencer Reid, I made him a homophobe, I wrote 19 pages in one day, M/M, Not explicitly mentioned, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Out of Character, Prank Wars, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Protective Derek Morgan, Some Plot, Sorry Grant, Spencer Reid is a Mess, Texting, for just a moment, he's okay, just needed some plot, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 54,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27979860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sambender/pseuds/PseudoName
Summary: BAU team having fun with a group chat, chaotic agents, give it a shot!
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 261
Kudos: 583





	1. And So It Begins

Penelope Garcia created a group chat “Garcia’s Groupies”.

Penelope Garcia added Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, and 3 others to the group.

Penelope Garcia changed her nickname to “Baby Girl”.

Penelope Garcia changed Derek Morgan’s nickname to “Chocolate Thunder”:

Penelope Garcia changed Aaron Hotchner’s nickname to “Boss Man”.

Penelope Garcia changed David Rossi’s nickname to “Grandpa”.

Penelope Garcia changed Jennifer Jaruea’s nickname to “Cheeto Girl”.

Penelope Garcia changed Emily Prentiss’s nickname to “Baddest Bitch”.

Penelope Garcia changed Spencer Reid’s nickname to “Boy Genius”.

Chocolate Thunder changed Boy Genius’s nickname to “Pretty Boy”.

Baddest Bitch: derek ur gay is showing

Chocolate Thunder: suck a cock

Baddest Bitch: no <3

Boss Man: Garcia, why have you created this?

Baby Girl: fun and profit! and because we don’t talk enough outside of work 😔 please can we keep the groupchat?

Boss Man: It’s highly unprofessional.

Baby Girl: 🥺

Boss Man: Keep work matters out of this chat and it’s fine.

Baby Girl: !!! 😘😘

Grandpa: I resent you, Garcia.

Baby Girl: luv u too !

Cheeto Girl: i want 2 be upset but i just can’t be.

Baby Girl: i know you too well 😍 where’s my baby?

Chocolate Thunder: prolly trying 2 figure out how to turn his phone on

Baddest Bitch: trying to make it to his desk without tripping

Grandpa: He talked himself to death.

Cheeto Girl: realized Halloween was in two months and is crying about it.

Baby Girl: got a papercut on a first edition of a classic

Boss Man: …

Chocolate Thunder: pls

Boss Man: …

Boss Man: He only had 8 sugar packets for his coffee and had to go to the store to get more.

Baddest Bitch: nice

Grandpa: That’s the most likely of them

Baby Girl: Baby!! Answer your texts!!

Chocolate Thunder: dw mama i’m sure he’ll answer soon, i’ll call him

Pretty Boy: id tgis fhe grouochat!

Pretty Boy: shit

Pretty Boy: got it

Pretty Boy: hello?

Baby Girl: my prince! hello! ❤️❤️

Pretty Boy: hi !! ❤️❤️

Chocolate Thunder: he couldn’t figure out how to accept the invite

Pretty Boy: eat shit and die

Boss Man: Reid

Pretty Boy: sorry ://

Boss Man: Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to Morgan.

Pretty Boy: no ://

Boss Man: Reid. Apologize.

Pretty Boy: he was mean first! he totally ratted me out just because i have a slightly worse understanding of technology!

Boss Man: 3

Boss Man: 2

Pretty Boy: FINE !

Pretty Boy: sorry i told you to eat shit and die, morgan, even if you were being a dick

Boss Man: REID

Pretty Boy: he was!

Chocolate Thunder: apology not accepted

Chocolate Thunder: my feelings are hurt

Pretty Boy: unsub is 24 year old white male with an IQ of 187, mutilated his unsub’s genitals with a rusty knife

Baddest Bitch: OH DAMN

Baddest Bitch: GET HIM REID

Chocolate Thunder: u know u love my dick 2 much to hurt it bb <3 if you could even find a knife tough enough

Pretty Boy: butter knife

Pretty Boy: bb <3

Grandpa: This is panning out nicely

Boss Man: Boys.

Boss Man: Do I have to separate you two?

Pretty Boy: yes please

Chocolate Thunder: no

Chocolate Thunder: bitch

Pretty Boy: eat my entire ass

Chocolate Thunder: if i could find it i would

Cheeto Girl: this is so much fun.

Baby Girl: this is 🔥

Baddest Bitch: quickest pay off i’ve ever had

Boss Man: Derek, finish your files. Spencer, stop enabling him.

Chocolate Thunder: finished my files b4 lunch

Pretty Boy: i finished his files before lunch

Boss Man: Stop doing his files. Derek, stop giving him your files.

Chocolate Thunder: em does it 2

Baddest Bitch: fuck u

Boss Man: Jesus Christ. Spencer, my office.

Boss Man: Now.

Chocolate Thunder: HAHA

Baby Girl: oh no !!

Cheeto Girl: bound to happen at some point.

Grandpa: Kid had it coming

Baddest Bitch: well now i feel bad

Chocolate Thunder: i don’t

Baby Girl: derek !!

Chocolate Thunder: i feel a little bad

Cheeto Girl: i can’t believe you guys made him do your files. did you even do anything for him?

Baddest Bitch: bought him coffee last week

Chocolate Thunder: fucked him ;)

Baby Girl: DEREK

Grandpa: I’m out

Grandpa has left the chat.

Cheeto Girl: no, that’s fair. em, step up ur game.

Baddest Bitch: i’d fuck him too if he wasn’t taken

Cheeto Girl: not what i meant

Baddest Bitch: i know, just wanted to say it

Chocolate Thunder: he’s back

Chocolate Thunder: how’d it go?

Pretty Boy: fuck u

Boss Man: Spencer.

Pretty Boy: he fucking doubled my files

Boss Man: I’ll triple them if you don’t dial back your attitude.

Pretty Boy: these are the last of the files

Boss Man: Arkansas.

Pretty Boy: sorry sir

Pretty Boy: i’ll have them done before we leave

Baby Girl: …

Chocolate Thunder: …

Chocolate Thunder: well now wtf was that

Chocolate Thunder: what happened in kansas pt. 2

Baddest Bitch: boss man

Cheeto Girl: hotch

Baby Girl: sir !!

Boss Man: There is nothing I currently need to share about Arkansas if Spencer finishes his files and keeps himself in check.

Chocolate Thunder: that’s my baby

Chocolate Thunder: i need 2 kno

Boss Man: You can ask him yourself, then. First, though, you should do the 20 consultations I sent you for giving him your files.

Baddest Bitch: HA

Boss Man: Emily, you have 20 also.

Baddest Bitch: *redacted*

Boss Man: The day ends at 6:00. Everyone finish your work.

Baby Girl: yes sir

Baddest Bitch: yeah okay

Cheeto Girl: got it

Chocolate Thunder: can’t hear you, 2 busy working


	2. Arkansas

THE FOLLOWING DAY

Pretty Boy: who wants coffee

Baby Girl: me!! <3

Cheeto Girl: me and em

Boss Man: I’m alright, thank you.

Pretty Boy: cool 😎

Chocolate Thunder: his ass, oh dear lord

Boss Man: Derek.

Chocolate Thunder: wrong chat

Baddest Bitch: reid’s ass?

Chocolate Thunder: reid’s ass.

Baddest Bitch: understandable

Pretty Boy: excuse me ??

Chocolate Thunder: your ass

Pretty Boy: stop objectifying me

Baddest Bitch: if you don’t want us to talk about your ass, wear pants that fit it

Pretty Boy: the next size up falls off my waist !!

Pretty Boy: im not proportionate !!

Cheeto Girl: is your waist really that small?

Pretty Boy: yeah ?

Chocolate Thunder: yes

Pretty Boy: shut up

Chocolate Thunder: tell me about arkansas

Pretty Boy: no

Chocolate Thunder: i’m sending the pictures

Pretty Boy: NO

Chocolate Thunder: arkansas.

Pretty Boy: …

Pretty Boy: FUCK

Pretty Boy: JUST DONT SEND THE ONE

Chocolate Thunder: :)

Chocolate Thunder sent 3 attachments.

Chocolate Thunder: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/302796774953550000/

Chocolate Thunder: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/302796774952118736/

Chocolate Thunder: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/302796774952189640/

Chocolate Thunder: baby and clooney, baby with a pumpkin, baby in da baf <3

Baby Girl: baby !!

Baby Girl: baby in da baf !!

Baddest Bitch: why pumpkin on head

Pretty Boy: wanted pumpkin on head

Baddest Bitch: you make a compelling point

Cheeto Girl: i thought you hated dogs

Pretty Boy: i don’t hate dogs

Pretty Boy: dogs hate me

Chocolate Thunder: not clooney

Pretty Boy: clooney is too dumb to experience hate

Chocolate Thunder: GASP

Chocolate Thunder sent an image.

Chocolate Thunder: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/302796774953345247/

Chocolate Thunder: baby as a baby

Baddest Bitch: LMAO NOOO

Baby Girl: baby as a baby !! 🥺🥺

Cheeto Girl: wooow

Pretty Boy: FUCK YOU!

Boss Man: REID

Pretty Boy: HOTCH

Baddest Bitch: oh shit

Boss Man: Excuse me?

Cheeto Girl: yikes

Pretty Boy: oh my god

Pretty Boy: oh my god !! i’m sorry, sir !

Boss Man: You’re going to be.

Boss Man: Arkansas. March of last year. Spencer and I share a hotel room because both Dave and Morgan are on vacation.

Pretty Boy: NO! PLEASE!

Pretty Boy: I’LL DO ANYTHING SIR PLEASE PLEASE

Boss Man: I get back to the hotel after meeting with the Sheriff and I’m expecting Reid to either be in bed with a book or showering. What I opened the door to see was not,

in fact, either of those. Rather, I step into our room and see our very own Spencer Reid sleeping, at 9:30 at night, with a teddy bear.

Pretty Boy: HOTCH

Baddest Bitch: A TEDDY BEAR

Chocolate Thunder: YOU’RE JOKING

Baby Girl: did you take pictures !!

Pretty Boy: HOTCHNER

Boss Man: Of course I did.

Boss Man sent an image.

Boss Man: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/4292562134061413/

Cheeto Girl: oh ❤️

Baddest Bitch: well he’s just precious

Baby Girl: HEART EXPLODED WITH LOVE

Pretty Boy: …

Pretty Boy: Morgan…

Chocolate Thunder: i haven’t said a god damned word yet

Pretty Boy: keep your mouth Shut

Chocolate Thunder: no ://

Chocolate Thunder saved an image.

Boss Man: Lunch orders below.

Baddest Bitch: jj and i want chicken caesar salad with extra dressing 

Baby Girl: chef’s salad, no dressing 

Chocolate Thunder: BLT with a coke 

Chocolate Thunder: i’ll ask spence 

Chocolate Thunder: the baby requests a wrap, no preference on which one 

Boss Man: Any wrap at all?

Chocolate Thunder: baby says yes 

Chocolate Thunder: get him the one with the avocado, it’s his favorite but it’s the most expensive one so he never gets it 

Boss Man: Got it. What to drink?

Chocolate Thunder: watejdjdud

Chocolate Thunder: hdjsiwieu

Chocolate Thunder: coffejdewudjdbdk

Chocolate Thunder: water 

Chocolate Thunder: he’s throwing a tantrum. he gets water.

Boss Man: Water it is.

Baddest Bitch: yes or no

Cheeto Girl: no.

Boss Man: No.

Baby Girl: yes !!

Chocolate Thunder: yeah

Pretty Boy: … sure?

Baddest Bitch: cool

Baby Girl: has anyone seen my red heart sunglasses?

Boss Man: You left them in the briefing room. I put them on the far left corner of your desk.

Baby Girl: thank you !! love you !!! 😘😘

Boss Man: Ditto.

Baby Girl: ☹️🥺

Boss Man: …

Boss Man: Love you too, Garcia.

Baby Girl: !! 🥳🥳 !! 

Pretty Boy: get more coffee

Baddest Bitch: no 😡

Pretty Boy: …? that was so obviously meant for derek

Pretty Boy: why would you respond? and why would you say no ?

Baddest Bitch: annoying 

Pretty Boy: evidently 

Pretty Boy: BABE

Pretty Boy: GET MORE COFFEE

Chocolate Thunder: no 😡

Pretty Boy: coffee or abstinence, choose wisely 

Boss Man: It is 6:02 a.m. 

Pretty Boy: thank you cogsworth for that helpful addition 

Boss Man: Reid.

Pretty Boy: FUCK

Pretty Boy: i need to start reading the names 

Pretty Boy: sorry sir 

Baddest Bitch: authority kink 

Pretty Boy: shut your whore mouth 

Boss Man: REID

Pretty Boy: sorry sir 

Pretty Boy: again 

Boss Man: You’ve got two mandatory hours in the shooting range once a week for the next 6 weeks.

Pretty Boy: 12 hours ???

Boss Man: Thank you, Count from Sesame Street for the basic math lesson. 7 weeks. Yes, that’s 14 hours.

Pretty Boy: understood.

Chocolate Thunder: i got the coffee if anyone’s curious 


	3. Derek is SIMP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Derek gets a lil explicit about him and Spencer !! It's over pretty quickly though !!

Pretty Boy: hospifal

Pretty Boy: hospfsl

Pretty Boy: hospfial

Cheeto Girl: HOSPITAL?

Pretty Boy: yurp

Pretty Boy: yesh

Pretty Boy: yed

Cheeto Girl: DO NOT MOVE.

~

Cheeto Girl: sprained his wrist and got a mild concussion

Boss Man: Forgot to say wheel’s up in 20.

Baby Girl: do you… do you want us to get back in the conference room… so you can say it?

Boss Man: …

Boss Man: … yeah

Baby Girl added David Rossi to the chat.

David Rossi left the chat.

Baby Girl: i tried my best

Chocolate Thunder: have u guys seen spence?

Baby Girl: you LOST my BABY ?

Chocolate Thunder: no, just want to make sure you’ve seen him

Baby Girl: you made me worry !! i was pulling up security footage already !

Baddest Bitch changed Chocolate Thunder’s nickname to “Simp”.

Simp: no

Simp changed his nickname to “Daddy”.

Daddy changed Pretty Boy’s nickname to “Baby Boy”.

Baby Boy: change it back

Daddy: no

Baby Boy: i can’t get in trouble with hotch again

Baby Boy: but if i had a gun i’d shoot you

Boss Man: That’s why you don’t have a gun.

Baddest Bitch: he doesn’t have a gun cause he failed his qualification again

Baby Boy: f**k y*u

Boss Man: Emily, that’s incredibly rude. Apologize now.

Baddest Bitch: sorry reid <3

Baby Boy: i asked you guys not to joke about it

Baddest Bitch: i know. i’m really sorry. is there anything i can do to make it up to you?

Baby Boy: it’s alright. just, please don’t do it again.

Baddest Bitch: when is your retest? do you want to train with me?

Baby Boy: it’s next thursday. can derek come too?

Baddest Bitch: yes of course. your handler is always welcome.

Baby Boy: not my handler

Baddest Bitch: right. your daddy.

Baby Boy: NO

Daddy: baby boy <3 little baby ! all for me !

Baby Boy: derek

Daddy: wrap him up in soft little blankies and give him kisses on the tip of his nose !

Baby Girl: 🥰🥰

Daddy: hold him down when we’re in bed

Baby Girl: 😳

Daddy: pin his hips and cuff his wrists cause he’s naughty

Baby Boy: DEREK MORGAN

Baby Boy: STOP DISCUSSING OUR FAKE SEX LIFE IN A GROUPCHAT WITH OUR BOSS AND COWORKERS

Daddy: why ? you don’t want them to know you’re a bad boy?

Baby Boy: STOP IT

Daddy: i need to change the nicknames again, it awakens things in me

Baby Boy: YEAH WE CAN TELL

Daddy changed his nickname to “DMoney”.

DMoney changed Baby Boy’s nickname to “Reiding”.

Reiding changed his nickname to “Spencer”.

Baby Girl: that’s boring !!

Spencer: it’s my name!

Baby Girl changed Spencer’s nickname to Belle.

Belle: NO

Baby Girl: but you like to read 🥺🥺 why not ??

DMoney: HE’S THE BEAUTY, IM THE BEAST

Belle: ^^^^^

Baby Girl changed Belle’s nickname to “Placeholder”.

Placeholder: please just let me make my name Spencer

DMoney changed Placeholder’s nickname to “Nerd <3”.

Nerd <3: adding the heart doesn’t make it less insulting jackass

DMoney: sure it does

Nerd <3: i don’t want to be friends with you anymore

DMoney: friends?? bb, you think of us as friends?

DMoney: after all the things we’ve been through?

Nerd <3: you barely scratch the surface of being a friend

Nerd <3: stop calling me baby

DMoney: cn’t flirt with you anymore ?

Nerd <3: you cant explicitly talk about me in a sexual manner

DMoney: ?? wtf ??

Nerd <3: im not sure if you can recall this but we’re not dating

Nerd <3: and again

Nerd <3: our BOSS is in this group chat

DMoney: :( can i tease you still?

Nerd <3: if i said no i don’t think you’d ever have anything to say to me

Nerd <3: so

Nerd <3: no

DMoney: !!!!!??? :( :( ;(

Nerd <3: shut up, obviously you’d fucking do it anyways

Boss Man: Cuss again and I’ll write you up, Reid.

Nerd <3: dude !! derek wrote sexually explicit things about me less than 5 minutes ago !! how am i the one getting in trouble ??

Boss Man: Do not call me “dude” ever again.

Nerd <3: sorry sir

Nerd <3: but my point stands

DMoney: you’re a brat

Nerd <3: ^^^^

Boss Man: Reid, that’s enough. Morgan, you get to do the rest of his paperwork and I’m sending you the video seminar for sexual harassment.

Nerd <3: lmao

Boss Man: While he’s working, you’re starting your 2 hour shift in the shooting range. I asked Anderson to help you.

DMoney: HA

Nerd <3: respectfully, sir, fully respectfully

Nerd <3: fucking ANDERSON?

Boss Man: I want so badly to yell at you for that but I’m out of approved punishments. Shooting range. NOW. I don’t want to hear from you for the next two hours unless you’re calling to say you got shot.

Nerd <3: what if anderson gets shot?

Boss Man: Text.


	4. Anderson Might Get Shot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND USE OF SLURS (F*G, SL*T, WH**E)  
> sorry Anderson, you're a homophone

Nerd <3: okay so he wasn’t shot but i did knee him in the dick if that counts

Boss Man: Fucking hell.

DMoney: WOAH

Baddest Bitch: Hotch said a bad word !

Baby Girl: baby !! what happened !!

Nerd <3: he called me a faggot and punched me in the eye… so i kneed him in the dick

Nerd <3: if he has a dick, that is

Boss Man: Sorry, what did he call you?

Nerd <3: word for word?

Nerd <3: “disgusting faggot who only made it into the FBI by fucking everyone in charge”

Nerd <3: then i.. ya know.. did the thing and he called me a “cheap whore that’s only good for keeping a cock warm” and then called me a “filthy fucking slut who would get down on my knees for anyone that asked”

DMoney: where are you

Nerd <3: ?? sitting outside the wrestling room to ice my eye???

DMoney: where is he

Nerd <3: not sure

Nerd <3: i passed out about 10 minutes ago and when i woke up he was gone

Baddest Bitch: you WHAT

Boss Man: Give me the full story, word for word. I need it to write the report.

Nerd <3: report??

Boss Man: To have him fired. Full story.

Nerd <3: shit !!

Nerd <3: don’t fire him! he’s an asshole but he didn’t like kill me or anything !

Boss Man: Story. NOW.

Nerd <3: fuck.

Nerd <3: i went down there and there was a note on the door that said he was gonna be late so i was like fine whatever i’ll start without him so i grabbed my gun and set up the targets and i was trying to figure out the follow through thing you’re always talking about from SWAT and stuff and then he came in and he tapped my shoulder so naturally i turned around and he just… punched me

Nerd <3: but it wasn’t very hard and i probably deserved it but i didn’t register it was him right away so i just kinda swayed in place for a moment and then he said the thing

and so i kneed him and then he punched me in the stomach until i fell to my knees and he said all the rest and then kicked me until i passed out

Nerd <3: so… not that bad?

Boss Man: Stay where you are. Morgan, are you going to find Anderson or Spencer?

DMoney: spencer first and then the asshole

Nerd <3: guys it’s not a big deal. this is expected, i’m openly gay and everyone knows i like derek so sometimes people are assholes about it

Boss Man: People can say whatever they want, Reid, but none of us are going to sit around and let someone beat you until you pass out after cussing you out for something as simple as liking men.

Boss Man: Let Derek look you over and then get upstairs. If you see Anderson, DO NOT interact with him without Derek.

Nerd <3: why does derek have to be there

Boss Man: I know you can more than hold your own in a fight with an UnSub but Derek is better trained to fight him if it comes to that. Now put your phone down and let

Derek help you. Derek, report his injuries back to me.

DMoney: he’ll have a black eye but there’s no blood there

DMoney: split lip, looks like he bit through it

DMoney: scratch on his arm, nothing serious

DMoney: he won’t let me look at his chest or stomach but he’s shaking pretty bad and his breathing is off

DMoney: most likely bruised or even cracked ribs

Boss Man: This is a direct order, Spencer. Go into the bathroom with Derek and let him check your ribs and stomach.

Nerd <3: im fine hotch

Boss Man: You have 10 seconds to send me a video of you coughing without wincing or I’ll take you to the ER. Or, you can take your shirt off and let Derek take care of it.

Nerd <3: we’re in the bathroom

DMoney: they’re tender but nothing seems broken, stomach will bruise but nothing serious

Boss Man: Good. Reid, you can kick and scream all you want but you’re suspended from the field and all training until I see a note from a doctor that ISN’T YOU. A MEDICAL DOCTOR needs to write up an official report, print it out, sign it, and bring it to me before I’ll even consider letting you train again. Even then, you’ll be supervised by Derek or myself. Argue with me on any of this and I’ll make Derek your temporary supervisor. Repeat after me.

Boss Man: Yes, sir, I understand.

Nerd <3: yes, sir, i understand

Boss Man: Excellent.

Boss Man: Come upstairs, make an appointment with your doctor, and then go home. Derek will drive you and drop you off and you are not to leave your apartment until your appointment which Derek or myself will drive you to.

Nerd <3: yes, sir, i understand. thank you.

Nerd <3: appointment is at 2:15 tomorrow

DMoney: i’ll be at ur apartment at 1:50

Nerd <3: thx

DMoney: doctor says he’ll be fine in two weeks, no follow up needed, take tylenol when he needs to

Boss Man: Bring him home. Reid, we’ll see you on Monday.

Nerd <3: thursday

Boss Man: December if you even mention it again.

Nerd <3: monday


	5. Fucking Cold Soup

Baddest Bitch: how r u feeling reid?

Nerd <3: bored out of my fucking mind

Nerd <3: derek came over this morning with a bowl of soup and it was the most exciting thing that’s happened since i got the shit beat out of me

DMoney: soup was good tho?

Nerd <3: soup was fucking cold, derek

DMoney: did you not fucking microwave the soup, shit head?

Nerd <3: can’t reach the fucking microwave, dick

DMoney: it’s spelled d-e-r-e-k

Nerd <3: i’ll stick my entire foot up your ass, fucko

DMoney: didn’t take you as a top

Nerd <3: didn’t take you as an arrogant asshole

Nerd <3: oh wait

Nerd <3: yes i did

Baby Girl: he brought you soup ?? babies !

Nerd <3: he brought me cold soup

DMoney: i brought you my mother’s famous chicken noodle soup and i didn’t put spice in it because you’re bland taste buds would’ve melted off

Baby Girl: HOMEMADE SOUP? YOU BROUGHT HIM HOMEMADE SOUP?

Nerd <3: he brought me cold homemade soup

DMoney: you’re a pretentious asshole, i did a nice thing for you can’t you just acknowledge that?

Nerd <3: thank you for the cold soup

DMoney: you’re a dick

Nerd <3: i ate almost the whole thing, jackass

DMoney: of course you did, and you’re still being insufferable about it

Nerd <3: i’m allergic to carrots

DMoney: fucking wHAT

DMoney: WHY WOULD YOU EAT THE FUCKING SOUP

Nerd <3: you worked hard to make it and it obviously meant a lot to you that i like it so i picked the carrots out and ate the cold fucking soup

DMoney: you’re so fucking stupid spencer

Boss Man: You ate soup that had carrots in it even though you’re allergic to carrots?

Baddest Bitch: shhh! they’re having a moment

Nerd <3: moment’s over, soup was good even though it could’ve killed me

DMoney: r u allergic to anything else?

Nerd <3: strawberries, deathly allergic to strawberries

DMoney: wasn’t planning to put strawberries in this sandwich but good 2 kno

Nerd <3: are you making me a sandwich?

DMoney: yeah, i feel bad about the cold soup that could’ve killed you

Nerd <3: is it gonna be a fucking cold sandwich?

DMoney: did you want a fucking hot sandwich

Nerd <3: no

DMoney: then shut the fuck up

Nerd <3: sorry

Nerd <3: … love you

DMoney: you should be

DMoney: take a nap loser

DMoney: love you too

Baby Girl: AWW

Cheeto Girl: i muted the chat for one week.

Cheeto Girl: and the godfather of my child nearly died twice

Cheeto Girl: and no one told me

Cheeto Girl: oh now you’re all busy?

Nerd <3: ssshhh i’m taking a nap

Cheeto Girl left the group chat.

Nerd <3: sandwich was an alright temperature if anyone’s wondering

Nerd <3: too much lettuce tho

Nerd <3: also wish derek hadn’t broken into my apartment to leave it on my counter and then left like a criminal

DMoney: you didn’t answer your door and everyone knows where you keep your spare key

Nerd <3: did you even try to knock

DMoney: didn’t need to

Nerd <3: you’re a menace to society

Nerd <3: make a mean sandwich tho

DMoney: obviously

Nerd <3: is everyone at work already?

Boss Man: Yes, where are you?

Nerd <3: lost my bus pass, taking a cab, be there in 10

Boss Man: Buy a new bus pass.

Nerd <3: that’s the plan

Nerd <3: can someone come let me in?

Boss Man: Did you lose your badge?

Nerd <3: ur gonna be mad at me

DMoney: lmao, omw

Nerd <3: thanks

Baby Girl: baby

DMoney: yeah?

Nerd <3: what’s up

Baby Girl: sorry handsome, i meant baby spencer

DMoney: wow, this is pain

Nerd <3: you’re so overdramatic

Nerd <3: what do you need garcia

Baby Girl: what’s the frequency that’s good for your brain

Nerd <3: there are a lot of frequencies that are good for you. some work on de-stressing different parts of your body and there are many that work specifically on your brain. can you be more specific?

Baby Girl: sound make brain go bzzzzzz

Nerd <3: use 417 hz

Baby Girl: love you darling

Nerd <3: love you


	6. They're Finally Dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> derek asks spencer out ! they go on a dateee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter for today !! thank you so much for reading !! 50 kudos in a matter of a couple hours <3 i'll try to update as often as i can :) if you have anything you want to see in the story lmk and i'll try to incorporate it where i can ! enjoy!

Nerd <3 changed his nickname to “SReid”.

DMoney: you’re lame

SReid: why are you so mean to me

DMoney: bored

SReid: get a hobby

DMoney: no

SReid: go find a girl and stick your dick in her, i don’t even care where

DMoney: can stick dick in u instead?

SReid: no

DMoney: :(

DMoney: why not

SReid: busy

DMoney: only reason ??

SReid: easiest reason to type

DMoney: :(

SReid: stop pouting

DMoney: :(

DMoney: can stick dick in u… please?

SReid: go an hour without insulting me and i’ll think about it

DMoney: deal

DMoney: it’s been an hour

DMoney: stick dick in you now?

SReid: you’re a little bit of a man-whore, derek

DMoney: this is not news to anyone

Baddest Bitch: it really is not news, reid

DMoney: sex now?

SReid: no.

DMoney: :( you didn’t even think about it

SReid: i’m always thinking

DMoney: bc you’re a beautiful beautiful genius

SReid: you can’t compliment me into having sex with you

DMoney: sure can try tho

DMoney: please… please?

DMoney: go on a date wif lil ol me?

Baby Girl: SPENCER! HE’S ASKING YOU OUT ON A DATE !!

SReid: thank you, garcia, i can see that

Baby Girl: THIS IS IT!! IT’S HAPPENING

SReid: please take a deep breath before i say this

Baby Girl: I AM BREATHING

SReid: yes, derek, i’ll go on a date with you

SReid: but i’m not putting out until the third date MINIMUM

SReid: you may hold my hand and kiss my cheek and nothing else

SReid: do you agree to these terms?

DMoney: HELL YEAH

DMoney: i mean

DMoney: yes, i agree to those terms

SReid: cool

DMoney: very cool

DMoney: MAMA! DID YOU SEE THAT!

Baby Girl: I SAW!!

DMoney: WE’RE GOING ON A DATE

Baby Girl: YES YOU ARE!! NOW START PLANNING

DMoney: FUCK

SReid: someone please text me back

DMoney: hi

SReid: anyone else please text me back

DMoney: are you actually going to show up to our date or just stand me up bc you hate me

SReid: …

SReid: that was… my question…

DMoney: what

SReid: that’s why i wanted someone to text me…

SReid: i was going to ask if they thought i should bother dressing nice when i was 76% sure you were going to stand me up

DMoney: :( i wud never stand you up bb

SReid: heard that before

DMoney: :( do you want me to pick you up instead? that way there’s no risk ?

SReid: mm

Baddest Bitch: (SAY YES)

SReid: yeah, sure, sounds good

SReid: (WHY)

Baddest Bitch: (SO HE HAS TO DRIVE YOU HOME AND WALK YOU TO YOUR APARTMENT WHERE HE CAN KISS YOU GOODNIGHT)

SReid: (I SAID NO KISSING UNLESS IT’S ON THE CHEEK)

DMoney: oh damn you were serious?

SReid: i mean… only a little

SReid: if you try to kiss me it’s not likely i’ll pull away from you

DMoney: okay cool, good, cool

SReid: you’re definitely gonna try to kiss me tonight, aren’t you?

DMoney: most certainly

SReid: …

SReid: i guess that’s cool

SReid: pick me up at 7

Baby Girl: it’s 11:30

Baddest Bitch: oh shit r u waiting up to hear would it went too?

Baby Girl: you know i am !

Baby Girl: are you reid’s emotional support tonight

Baddest Bitch: yeah, self-appointed tho

Baby Girl: me too, for derek

Baddest Bitch: do you think they died?

Baby Girl: i didn’t think that but now you said it and i’m worried

Baddest Bitch: they’re not dead

Baby Girl: you don’t know that

Boss Man: They’re not dead.

Baby Girl: boss man! what are you doing up so late?

Boss Man: I’m Morgan’s not self-appointed emotional support if everything went horribly wrong.

Boss Man: They’re fine. Reid got wine drunk off of two glasses so Derek brought him home. He’s driving home now.

Baddest Bitch: hmn

Baddest Bitch: so reid did not get a kiss goodnight… unfortunate

DMoney: for the record, he begged me to kiss him goodnight

Baby Girl: and for the record, you didn’t kiss him because he was intoxicated

DMoney: correct

DMoney: but i did kiss him when i picked him up

DMoney: he’s very good at what he does

Boss Man: Nobody wants to hear about how Reid kisses.

Baddest Bitch: wrong

Baby Girl: false

DMoney: thank you girls

DMoney: best kisser i’ve ever known but he’s a little confused

DMoney: what he lacks in confidence he more than makes up for in skill

Boss Man: Goodnight

SReid: owie

Baddest Bitch: headache?

SReid: hungover

DMoney: tylenol and water on your night stand

SReid: i think maybe that you’re god

DMoney: you’re not the first person to tell me that

SReid: cool

SReid: derek

DMoney: spencer

SReid: did i talk about harry potter a lot last night?

DMoney: oh absolutely

DMoney: for about 25 minutes on the way home

SReid: oh

SReid: well

SReid: did i say anything interesting?

DMoney: you said you were a hufflepuff and when i asked you what i was you laughed at me

SReid: that’s fair, it was a stupid question

DMoney: no it’s not? what house am i?

Baby Girl: gryffindor

Baddest Bitch: ^^^^

Boss Man: ^^

DMoney: oh damn

Baddest Bitch: controversial opinion: spencer is a slytherin

Baby Girl: WHAT

Baddest Bitch: cunning, loyal, clever

Baby Girl: well when you put it like that…

Baby Girl: no

Baby Girl: he’s a hufflepuff!! hardworking, patient, loves his friends

Boss Man: Spencer is a Ravenclaw.

SReid: ??

Boss Man: intelligence, desire to learn, and witty

SReid: oh damn

SReid: ur right

Boss Man: Don’t sound so surprised.

SReid: not that you’re right

SReid: that i’m a ravenclaw

SReid: look bomb as hell in blue tho

DMoney: amen


	7. Bagel ❤️

Boss Man: Sound off.

Baddest Bitch: alive 

Baby Girl: here

DMoney: hello boss

SReid: is this because i got lost last time 

Boss Man: Yes, this is because you got lost last time.

SReid: it’s a big store !!

Baddest Bitch: it’s fucking super target, twink 

SReid: hotch she called me a twink 

DMoney: she calls it like she sees it 

SReid: i can’t believe i kissed you 

DMoney: i was also shocked 

SReid: were glassrs 

Baddest Bitch: hmn?

SReid: lost em 

Baby Girl: what ??

SReid: 👓  
SReid: misinf 

DMoney: spencer, are you wine drunk again?

SReid: np  
SReid: no  
SReid: cnt fuckdns see

DMoney: @BossMan

Boss Man: Where glasses, Lost them, Missing, No, Can’t Fucking See

SReid: ^*^^**^^

DMoney: on your head 

SReid: ih  
SReid: thanks for all your help today folks 

DMoney: how are you still alive?

SReid: spite

Baddest Bitch: same

Boss Man: Bagels in the briefing room if anyone wants one.

DMoney: what kind of loser eats bagels 

SReid: :(

DMoney: not you honey, you’re exempt  
DMoney: im making fun of hotch and rossi now  
SReid: :)

Baddest Bitch: LMAO  
Baddest Bitch: HOTCH THREW A BAGEL AT HIS HEAD

DMoney: HOTCHNER

Boss Man: That would be terribly unprofessional. I would never do that.  
Boss Man: The bagel was slippery.

DMoney: slippery bagel? that’s what you’re going with ?? srsly?

Boss Man: Slippery bagels happen, Derek.

SReid: he’s right, it’s a real crisis in the bagel community

Baby Girl: bagel ❤️

DMoney: christ 

Baddest Bitch: alright so i was watching henry cause jj wanted to go meet with will

Baby Girl: why does she want to meet with will ? they’re divorced 

Baddest Bitch: indeed, but not my point  
Baddest Bitch: so i was watching henry, right?

Boss Man: Your use of the word was frightens me.

Baddest Bitch: it should because moral of the story i can’t find him 

SReid: WHAT  
SReid: ANSWER UR PHONE  
~  
Baddest Bitch: he was in the basement 

Boss Man: Where is he now?

Baddest Bitch: reid stole him :/

Boss Man: Stole him or came over to help?

Baddest Bitch: stole :(

SReid: we’re upstairs playing dinosaurs and emily didn’t want to be the triceratops so she’s pouting

Baddest Bitch: the triceratops fucking sucks! i want to be the pterodactyl or i don’t want to play

SReid: im the pterodactyl! henry said i could be it cause i have long arms like a pterodactyl 

Baddest Bitch: whatever 

Boss Man: Emily, go be the triceratops.

Baddest Bitch: i fucking hate this family

DMoney: spider-man or iron man

SReid: in a fight or who’s my favorite?

Baddest Bitch: black widow 

Baby Girl: ^^^ and scarlet witch 

Boss Man: Iron Man.

DMoney: one for ironman and two for other  
DMoney: spence 

SReid: fight or favorite ??

DMoney: either

SReid: ironman would win in a fight, i would die for spider-man in a heartbeat 

DMoney: you’re so fucking weird 

SReid: im not asking about superheroes in a group chat of my FBI peers so i’m doing better than you 

DMoney: you’re kind of an asshole, pretty boy

SReid: well as long as i’m only kind of an asshole

Boss Man: Boys, behave.

Baddest Bitch: can we talk about black widow now?

Baby Girl: yes, coolest assassin i know 

SReid: derek did you take my wallet

DMoney: why would i have taken ur wallet 

SReid: general dislike for me 

DMoney: i don’t dislike you 

SReid: hmn  
SReid: did you take my wallet tho 

DMoney: yeah :/

SReid: can i  
SReid: can i have it back please

DMoney: no :/

SReid: @BossMan

Boss Man: Give him his wallet. Reid, stop losing your stuff.

SReid: im not TRYING to lose my stuff 

Boss Man: It certainly seems like you are.

SReid: :(


	8. Everyone's Queer/Babysitting Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang comes out and spencer loves henry (and derek)

Baddest Bitch changed her nickname to “Lesbian”.  
Baddest Bitch: some1 called me hetero today so in case there’s any confusion 

DMoney: there wasn’t any 

SReid: ^

Boss Man: Is this your official coming out?

Baddest Bitch: yep

Boss Man: Congratulations on your coming out. We all love and accept you.

Baddest Bitch: thank you dad 

Boss Man: We all accept you.

DMoney: LMAO

Baddest Bitch: DAD

Boss Man: Is anyone else going to come out or can I do my job?

Baby Girl: i’m pan 💖💛💙

Boss Man: Thank for trusting us with this information. We all love and support you.

Baby Girl: 🥺🥺💖

DMoney: i like girls and reid 

SReid: you really know how to make a man feel special 

DMoney: ❤️

Boss Man: Derek, you came out to me like a week after we met. 

DMoney: so no love and support?

Boss Man: Sigh.  
Boss Man: Good job being bisexual. We all love and support you.

DMoney: nice 

DMoney: ur turn spence 

SReid: dick <3

Boss Man: I’m not sending you a loving message if you don’t phrase it nicer.

SReid: i like dick <3

Boss Man: No.

SReid: sigh  
SReid: hello i’m spencer reid and i’m gay

Boss Man: Thank you for coming out to us. We all love and support you.

DMoney: r u gonna come out to us now 

Boss Man: Ugh. I’m bisexual with a preference for women. 

Baby Girl: Thank you for sharing. We all love and support you! 💖💜💙

DMoney: ^^^

Baddest Bitch: yeah what she said 

SReid: same here ^

Boss Man: Can we work now?

Baby Girl: everyone done being gay?

SReid: no

DMoney: nah

Lesbian: never for a moment in my life 

Baby Girl: sorry boss man, too gay to work 

Boss Man: Sigh.

SReid: hey  
SReid: hey guys  
SReid: pssst

Boss Man: What’s going on Reid?

SReid: oh  
SReid: never mind 

Boss Man: Just tell me what’s going on and we can end this much sooner.

SReid: ah  
SReid: well

Boss Man: Please just say it.

SReid: promise not to be angry?

Boss Man: No.

SReid: yeah no that’s fair  
SReid: so basically i was making coffee and i got distracted while definitely not playing solitaire on my phone because that’s not something i’d do during work hours  
SReid: and then i picked up the pot and the handle broke off and now there’s coffee and glass all over the kitchen 

Lesbain: did u win 

SReid: obviously  
SReid: will somebody please come help me clean this up 

Boss Man: I’m on a very important phone call.

SReid: how can you just lie to my face like that 

Boss Man: Shh.

SReid: son of a bitch 

Lesbian added Jennifer Jareau to the group chat.  
Lesbian changed Jennifer Jareau’s nickname to “Lesbian 2”.  
Lesbian 2 changed her nickname to “JJ”.

JJ: i am here to ask a simple favor.

DMoney: you need someone to babysit so you can go on a date with emily 

JJ: yeah  
JJ: any takers?

Baby Girl: i’d happily do it but if spence sees that i took the position of babysitter from him before he got a chance to offer his services i think he’d cry

DMoney: @SReid

SReid: me !!  
SReid: i’ll do it !!  
SReid: please !! can i do it ??

JJ: yes, spence, you can come stare at my kid for a few hours.

SReid: !!!

DMoney: this is the cutest man i have ever met in my life 

Baby Girl: he is !! ❤️

Lesbian: okay jj he’s agreed to babysit can we go now 

JJ: he’s not even here yet babe. also spence can you bring your “cool guy book”  
JJ: i told henry you were coming and now he won’t stop asking me to tell you to bring it 

SReid: !!! HE ASKED FIR THE BOOK ??!!

JJ: yes?? what’s the book? why is it called a cool guy book? did you tell him to say that?

SReid: oh my god i might cry  
SReid: derek i’m gonna cry comfort me 

DMoney: i don’t know what’s happening but don’t cry sweetness, henry is brutally honest and if you look like a mess he will point it out 

Baby Girl: what’s the book !!

SReid: it’s a book of greek mythology !! i read it to him to try to get him to fall asleep one time i babysat but it kept him awake because he was so interested (sorry JJ) and i read the story about hercules and he said he was like derek (bonus points for your ego babe) and that he sounded like a cool guy and i said yes he is a cool guy and NOW ITS THE COOL GUY BOOK AND HE IS ASKING FOR ME TO READ HIM GREEK MYTHOLOGY

DMoney: thank for those bonus points  
DMoney: you’re the cutest loser in the world  
DMoney: only you could get this excited about reading a child mythology 

SReid: it’s exciting !! he’s 5 and he wants to learn about greek mythology and specifically requested i bring the book !!

DMoney: that’s real great honey 

JJ: if my son turns out to be a genius and gets smarter than me i’m blaming you 

SReid: okay !!

Lesbian: have you left yet?

SReid: omw !!  
~

SReid: how late is too late to make hot chocolate for a child?

Baby Girl: no later than 30 minutes before bed 

SReid: 25 cool instead?

Baby Girl: yeah sure, he’s not my kid 

SReid: am i irresponsible if i give him hot chocolate?

Baby Girl: you’re irresponsible regardless 

SReid: so there’s no loss  
Boss Man: Don’t give him hot chocolate this close to bed. He’ll have nightmares.

SReid: oh  
SReid: yeah okay 

~  
SReid: do you guys think it’d be cool if i made myself hot chocolate?  
SReid: i want coffee but all of jj’s coffee is extremely bitter and there’s not enough sugar in this household to fix it 

DMoney: i vote yes only if it’s the kind with mini marshmallows 

SReid: obviously it has the mini marshmallows 

DMoney: drink it 

Boss Man: You shouldn’t drink things that don’t belong to you.

DMoney: @JJ @Lesbian  
DMoney: baby wants hot chocolate

JJ: yeah that’s fine you can drink the whole box if you want, it was like $2.

SReid: hell yeah  
SReid: thank you

Lesbian: disturb us again and i’ll kill you 

SReid: cool

Lesbian: disturb us again and i’ll kill derek

SReid: …

DMoney: babe

SReid: no more critical thinking tonight, just mini marshmallows  
~  
JJ: spence 

SReid: yeah i already made my spot on the couch 

JJ: ur so good

SReid: it was your first date in a month and a half. there was about a 0% chance you’d make it home tonight and if you did you wouldn’t be sober  
SReid: drink lots of water and leave tylenol by the bed  
SReid: goodnight j, goodnight em

Lesbian: night night 

JJ: gn  
~  
SReid: henry is so fucking loud  
SReid: what the hell is he so loud for

DMoney: woah  
DMoney: coming in hot there  
DMoney: also that’s your godson ?? you love him more than you love coffee ???

SReid: mnm  
SReid: hard to believe as it’s 6:41 on a saturday and he’s sitting on the couch demanding pancakes and all i can think about is how badly i want coffee

DMoney: do you want me to come over and make pancakes?

SReid: that is the thing that i want second most in the world 

DMoney: is first coffee?

SReid: first has never been anything other than coffee

DMoney: i’ll stop and get some. want anything else?

SReid: cokie 

DMoney: hello henry. you want a cookie?

SReid: yepppo

DMoney: i’ll buy you a cookie but you can’t have it until later, alright?

SReid: oksy 

DMoney: okay buddy. is uncle spencer sleeping?

SReid: sleepy on couch 

DMoney: okay. can you find something to keep yourself busy until i get there?

SReid: cup

DMoney: uh  
DMoney: okay henry. play with the cup. i’ll be there in just a few minutes.

SReid: cup

DMoney: awesome


	9. Babysitting Part 2

~  
Boss Man: Did you make it to JJ’s alright? 

DMoney: you care about me <3

Boss Man: Henry was briefly unsupervised to busy himself with “cup”. I’m worried about him, not you.

DMoney: you’re ice cold, hotchner 

DMoney: “cup” was barrel of monkeys and he was attaching the monkeys to spencer’s shirt when i arrived. also jj has a nanny cam and i was watching it the entire time 

Boss Man: Okay. 

SReid: pancake

Boss Man: Hello Henry.

SReid: pancake 

Boss Man: Did you have pancakes for breakfast?

SReid: yep

Boss Man: Excellent. Were they good?

SReid: he’s asked me to type for him because his thumbs hurt apparently 

SReid: “pancakes very good, lots of chocolate chips even though mommy says chocolate chips aren’t for breakfast”

DMoney: can’t believe he ratted me out like that 

DMoney: i leave the room for 5 minutes to take out the trash and he sells me out 

SReid: “garbage man takes out the trash”

DMoney: is it illegal to fight a toddler?

Boss Man: Yes.

SReid: yeah 

DMoney: hm

SReid: “is uncle derek ur wife?”

DMoney: HM???

SReid: “oh. is uncle derek your husband?”

DMoney: ????

SReid: “why not?”

DMoney: kid’s got a point 

Boss Man: Don’t propose to Reid.

DMoney: why not 

Boss Man: You’ve been on no more than 5 dates.

DMoney: semantics 

SReid: “soccer now”

SReid: he’s got a way with words 

SReid: derek will you take him to the park 

DMoney: why do i have to take him? i’m not supposed to be babysitting anyways 

SReid: 🥺🥺

DMoney: yeah alright 

DMoney: but you’re coming with. 

DMoney: @BossMan do you want to bring jack to the park

Boss Man: Jack has a soccer game at 9:30 so we’re already at the park. He’d be happy to have you guys watch and play with Henry between games.

DMoney: be there in 10

~

Lesbian: we’re alive if anyone was curious 

JJ: they weren’t.

Baby Girl: i was !! ❤️ but now i’m at the park! come find us!! 

JJ: is everyone there ?

Baby Girl: rossi got here a few minutes ago so yes

Lesbian: on the way now

~

SReid: is it mean to say that jack isn’t very good at soccer?

Boss Man: Incredibly.

SReid: sorry 

Boss Man: Don’t be. You’re right. I’ve tried to teach him how to play but he couldn’t aim if his life depended on it.

Lesbian: sounds familiar 

SReid: hey !!

JJ: no one said it was you, reid. you brought that on yourself.

SReid: damn it 

DMoney: have u tried to teach him football? i think he’d be better at football

SReid: ^^ thats derek offering to teach jack how to play football 

Boss Man: There was an attempt at baseball that ended with two bloody noses so I’m a tad worried how football would end.

Lesbian: two bloody noses? from baseball??

JJ: did you get hit in the face with a baseball?

Boss Man: No.

JJ: did you get hit in the face with a baseball bat?

Boss Man: Yes. Jack hit himself in the face with the bat and when I went to grab the bat from him he swung it around and hit me in the face with it. 

Boss Man: That being said, Derek, if you want to try to teach my son how to play football you are more than welcome.

DMoney: nice 

DMoney: jj can i teach henry how to play football

JJ: if he wants to learn then sure but he’s been a bit more into books and play pretend lately 

JJ: that’s mostly your boyfriends fault so take it up with him 

DMoney: spencer :( you’re making him lame :(

SReid: hey !!!! 

SReid: i’m making him smart !

JJ: you’re making him a little lame, spence 

JJ: i asked him if he wanted to go buy a toy last week and he asked if he could have a book so he could learn to write.

SReid: that’s my baby !! 

JJ: no, that’s my baby. your baby is derek.

DMoney: offended but she’s right 

SReid: you are decidedly not my baby 

DMoney: ;(

SReid: derek ur older than me 

DMoney: oh so like you mean that i’m not ur baby cause ur my baby 

SReid: not what i said 

DMoney: not denying it though 

JJ: ^

Lesbian: ^^

Baby Girl: ^^^

SReid: shut up

Baby Girl: you’re his baby 🥺🥺

SReid: that’s not what i said !!

Lesbian: then deny it 

SReid: that’s not 

SReid: it wasn’t what i was saying 

SReid: but i’m not like 

SReid: well i’m not against the idea 

SReid: or i guess technically just as it’s usage of a pet name then sure i’m fine with it 

SReid: but the idea of him being like

Boss Man: Just leave it there, Reid.

SReid: yeah thank you 

DMoney: so you’re my babyyyy ?

SReid: i’m not gonna say it 

DMoney: you’re my baby?? 🥺🥺

SReid: stop it 

DMoney: baby <3

SReid: shut upp 

DMoney: you’re my baaaabbbyyyy

SReid: im muting you 

DMoney: baby :(

DMoney: no baby come back 

DMoney: stop it you’re sitting on the opposite side and i can’t yell to you 

DMoney: sigh


	10. They're A Family Aw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more babysitting (whoops) and derek wants to marry his boyfriend so badly

Baby Girl: does anyone wanna get ice cream with me? 🥺🥺🍦

DMoney: confident yes

DMoney: Scoop’s in 15?

Baby Girl: ❤️❤️

Lesbian: can i come 

Baby Girl: ❤️❤️

JJ: i guess that means i’m going as we were meant to be ON A DATE

Lesbian: oh shit 

Lesbian: sorry

Lesbian: i’ll buy your ice cream 

JJ: you most certainly will

Boss Man: I will ask one time and one time only.

Boss Man: Jack is at his friend’s house for a sleepover. I’ve cleaned the entire house and it’s still 7:30.

Boss Man: Do you guys want to come over for dinner?

~

Boss Man: Okay, never mind I guess.

DMoney: open ur door we’re cold

Boss Man: What?

JJ: we’re all outside and i brought wine and it is not a wine that is meant to be chilled

Boss Man: You’re all outside?

Baby Girl: yep

Lesbian: open the door or i’ll get morgan to open it for you 

SReid: she means please open the door please 

Boss Man: No, she doesn’t.

SReid: no she doesn’t 

SReid: open the door

~

Lesbian: can’t believe this man invited us over for dinner and didn’t make fucking dinner 

Boss Man: You showed up at my house unannounced. 

Lesbian: and ?

Boss Man: How did I know to make dinner if no one told me you were coming?

DMoney: didn’t you have to make dinner for yourself?

Boss Man: I was making myself dinner.

Lesbian: i don’t see any evidence of food making 

Lesbian: what were you making 

Boss Man: …

Boss Man: Cereal.

DMoney: LMAO

DMoney: YOU WERE MAKING CEREAL FOR DINNER

Boss Man: And what about it?

JJ: you’re a fully grown man with a child. we expected you to make a meal for yourself.

SReid: cereal is a meal 

Boss Man: I agree.

Baby Girl: cereal is a snack 

DMoney: ^^^ 

DMoney: cereal can be part of a meal but it is not in itself an entire meal 

Lesbian: cereal is too a meal 

JJ: cereal is not a meal. a meal is like pasta and vegetables and wine. 

Boss Man: If I’m making a meal for myself I’m not going to put that much effort into preparing one serving of pasta. Additionally, most of our cereal goes bad this month so I’m  
trying to finish it off.

DMoney: have you just been eating a bunch of cereal for dinner everytime jack leaves?

Boss Man: I had Kraft macaroni and cheese in a cup a couple of nights ago. It wasn’t very good.

SReid: the little microwaveable cup?

Boss Man: Yes.

SReid: me too but for lunch today 

Lesbian: of all the people to bond with reid over food i assumed it’d be me

SReid: the mac and cheese is better if you put cream cheese in it 

Boss Man: Noted.

Baby Girl: you’re both disasters 

Boss Man: I am not a disaster. 

JJ: you’re kind of a disaster.

Boss Man: I’m your boss.

DMoney: our boss that eats food for children 

Boss Man: Reid does it too.

Baby Girl: we already knew he was infantile, you’re new 

SReid: infantile!!??!!

Lesbian: a child 

Baby Girl: baby-like <3

JJ: immature 

SReid: i am not!!!

DMoney: yes you are 

SReid: i’m 25!! 

Lesbain: 25 and eat mac and cheese from a cup for lunch 

JJ: and you can fall asleep anywhere in any position not unlike a toddler 

Baby Girl: i watched you fill out a coloring page before our last meeting and then sign your name with a heart at the bottom before passing it to derek 

DMoney: i put it on my fridge next to the picture henry drew for me 

DMoney: he’s better at staying inside the lines 

SReid: you guys are bullying me 

SReid: hooottttccchhhhh

Boss Man: You’re whining for help because your friends are picking on you. 

SReid: **our friends 

Boss Man: Your friends. My liabilities.

JJ: we’re your children.

Lesbian: im aloof older daughter 

JJ: aloof older daughters girlfriend 

Baby Girl: middle child with a habit of getting into trouble 

JJ: spence is the baby and dereks his boyfriend while he goes through his rebellious teen phase but is also your son in law 

SReid: i am not the baby !! 

DMorgan: yes you are 

Boss Man: You really are, Spencer. 

SReid: traitors

Baby Girl: don’t talk to your father like that young man 

Lesbian: he’ll ground you and take away your phone 

SReid: god i hope so 

Boss Man: Mind your manners. 

SReid: mind ur business 

DMorgan: LMAO 

DMorgan: he’s so fast with that 

Boss Man: Very fast to get in trouble, too. 

Boss Man removed SReid from the chat.

Baby Girl: 😮😮

Lesbian: 😧

JJ: 😪

DMorgan: 🤭🤭

Boss Man: 😎

Baby Girl: 😮😮!! 😎!! 

DMorgan: 😔☹️🥲😧😮😎

Boss Man: Someone add him back tomorrow. 

DMorgan: why can’t u 

Boss Man: That would show weakness and I’m a strong authority figure.

Lesbian: strong authority figure that eats cereal for dinner 

Boss Man removed Lebsian from the chat.

Boss Man: Who else wants to try me? 

DMoney: part of me wants to stand up for my baby and the other part isn’t willing to risk this group chat dissolving so 

DMoney: spencer when you see this im sorry and i hope you understand 

JJ: stop being melodramatic it’s not like you’re breaking up with him 

DMoney: never ❤️

DMoney: (do you think that makes up for not defending his honor??)

JJ: it’s spence, you could shoot him in the leg and he’d probably get down on his other leg and ask you to forgive him for being in the way of your bullet 

DMoney: :( 

DMoney: sad cuz you’re right 

DMoney: poor bb

Baby Girl: poor bb indeed 

Boss Man: Stop pitying Spencer he’s chaos in human form and has the highest amount of injuries on our team. 

Baby Girl: 🥺🥺 he gets hurt so often 🥺🥺

JJ: he really does. i think he needs a bodyguard.

DMoney: :)

Boss Man: He’s an FBI agent. He’s supposed to be his own bodyguard. 

DMoney: FBI agent with a bodyguard is cooler than just FBI agent tho 

Boss Man: You’re not his bodyguard. Everyone go to bed. Emily can be added back tomorrow morning. Let Spencer stew until at least noon.

~

JJ added Emily Prentiss to the group chat.

Emily Prentiss changed her nickname to “Eldest Daughter”.

Eldest Daughter: i was gonna ask if you missed me but you guys talked about reid the entire time i was gone 

JJ: that’s all we talked about when you were here too. 

DMoney: i feel like we’re building to a jab at me

Eldest Daughter: good catch 

Eldest Daughter changed DMoney’s nickname to “Sherlock”.

Sherlock: i’m watson if anything 

Sherlock changed his nickname to “Watson”.

Baby Girl: oh that’s gonna be good 

Watson: ??

Baby Girl added Spencer Reid to the chat.

Spencer Reid: !!!! 

Spencer Reid changed his name to “Holmes”. 

Holmes: we match !!!!

Watson: oh sweet baby jesus

Watson: my heart is going to burst 

Watson: it physically aches 

Holmes: oh

Holmes: sorry 

Watson: no!!

Watson: don’t you dare change your name!! 

Watson: you are the cutest person in the world i would die for you 

Holmes: hmn?

Watson: you are precious 

Holmes: oh

Holmes: 😳😳

Watson: christ 

Eldest Daughter: reid you’re killing him 

JJ: he’ll evaporate.

Holmes: 🥰🥰

Watson: i can’t do this anymore, my soul is leaving my body 

Boss Man: Shouldn’t take very long.

Eldest Daughter: oh damn 

Eldest Daughter: i leave for a day and hotch got funny ?

Boss Man: Would you like to leave again? 

Eldest Daughter: sorry dad 

Boss Man: Don’t let it happen again. 😡

Baby Girl: HE USED AN EMOJI AGAIN

Boss Man: I’m losing patience.

JJ: losing patience or losing sleep

Boss Man: Sleep but the patience is going with it. 

Eldest Daughter: do you need a nap?

Boss Man: I need 5 hours alone.

JJ: jack can come over if you want. emily’s over and it’ll give us some time without henry.

Watson: @Holmes

Holmes: let me babysit !! they can come over !! please ! 

Holmes: we can bake cookies and derek showed me how to rent movies !! 

Holmes: please let me watch them!!

Boss Man: Jack said he wants to be able to hang out with Henry and show off his new Wolverine comic book. 

JJ: spence if you pick henry up you can have him for the night 

Holmes: !!! sleepover ??!!!

JJ: yes, a sleepover.

Watson: pb, can i help? 

Holmes: who is pb?

Watson: pretty boy 

Holmes: oh 

Holmes: it’s me 

Holmes: yes !! pick up henry!

Watson: okay. jj i’ll be there soon

Boss Man: Should I bring Jack to your apartment, Reid?

Holmes: yes! he can spend the night too if he wants !! 

Boss Man: Are you sure? Two kids all night?

Holmes: absolutely positive!! tell him to bring his comic books!!

Boss Man: He won’t leave without them.

Holmes: perfect!

Holmes: i’m so excited !

Holmes: sleepover !!

Eldest Daughter: reid

Holmes: yes?

Eldest Daughter: have u ever had a sleepover before?

Holmes: no! except when i’ve stayed at jj’s to babysit but i don’t know if that counts 

Baby Girl: baby’s first sleepover 🥺🥺

Holmes: i’m 25!!

Boss Man: 25 year olds don’t get that excited about babysitting overnight. You’re a child having a sleepover.

Holmes: i’m gonna stop inviting jack places if it means i have to talk to you 

Boss Man: You’d rather die.

Holmes: i would 

Holmes: are you almost here? you shouldn’t be texting and driving anyways 

Boss Man: Text to speak exists for a reason. 

Boss Man: We’re in the lobby.

~

Watson: they made a fort in the living room and spencer was the first asleep

Baby Girl: 🥺🥺

Watson: bbg i think i’m gonna have to marry this man 

Baby Girl: !!!!!!

Baby Girl: really ??!!

Watson: i can’t let someone this perfect leave my life for a single second 

Watson: he made dinosaur shaped cookies and then told them all sorts of facts about the dinosaurs while they stuffed their faces 

Watson: and then we put on the avengers and henry was getting sleepy so they built a fort and plopped down and now jack is sleeping on his left arm curled up on his side and henry is on his chest and i just want to go buy a ring and marry this man 

Baby Girl: do it !!

Boss Man: Once again, do not propose to him.

Baby Girl: what !! why !!

Boss Man: They’ve been together for less than 6 months and he doesn’t know how Reid feels about marriage.

Watson: at what point does it become acceptable to propose?

Boss Man: After you’ve had a lengthy discussion about marriage and your futures together. 

Watson: so i can’t just like 

Watson: shake him awake and ask him to marry me 

Boss Man: No.

Watson: :(

Watson: why don’t u want me 2 marry him :(

Boss Man: I do want you to marry him. I think you’re a great couple and I’ve known you two would eventually get together since the moment you stuck your hand over to greet him and he said his statistic about how it’s safer to kiss and you didn’t immediately wink at him. If you’d thought you could just have a fling with him you would’ve flirted but you clearly wanted something real. So, I want you two to get married.

Boss Man: AFTER a long healthy discussion about your futures together and what it means to be married to each other. 

Watson: wait so 

Watson: does that mean i have your blessing 

Boss Man: No.

Boss Man: If you want my official blessing for you to marry him I need proof of discussion and also you have to prove that you’re good enough for my son. 

Watson: ur son??

Boss Man: I figured if you guys are going to insist you’re my kids I might as well lean into it. 

Boss Man: You want to marry my son you have to work for it and if I think you’re good enough then and only then will you get my blessing.

Watson: so the only requirement is to have a discussion with him about marriage?

Boss Man: You’re missing the point.

Watson: i’m cutting to the chase 

Boss Man: Discuss it with him and then let me know and we can work from there.

Watson: deal

~

Holmes: wait what

Holmes: fuck it is so early in the morning 

Holmes: am i getting married or no ?

Boss Man: Not yet. He has to earn my approval and get my blessing.

Holmes: what 

Holmes: why does he need your blessing 

Boss Man: You’re my son. 

Holmes: yeah ?

Boss Man: And as your father it’s my job to approve or disapprove of who you marry. Without my blessing Derek won’t propose to you.

Holmes: what 

Boss Man: 1. You’ll have a healthy discussion with Derek about marriage.

Boss Man: 2. If you agree you’d like to get married he’ll meet with me and ask for my permission to propose to you because that’s something that people do.

Boss Man: 3. He’ll tell me why he’d like to marry you and why he thinks he’s good enough to and I’ll either agree with him or tell him he is simply not good enough.

Holmes: wait 

Holmes: so if you don’t want me to marry him 

Holmes: we can’t get married?

Boss Man: You can but without my blessing.

Holmes: okay so do i need to like meet with his mom ?

Boss Man: Not if he’s the one to propose to you. If you plan to propose to him then yes it’s probably a good idea. I’m assuming you’ll be the one to walk down the aisle and  
that’s where someone would give you away and typically that would mean you’re the one proposed to. 

Holmes: give me away ?

Boss Man: A father “gives away” his daughter to her new husband by walking her mostly down the aisle and then releasing her. 

Holmes: oh okay 

Holmes: so i’m the daughter right ? so he’d ask for your permission to propose to me and then you’d say yes (hopefully) and then at the wedding (hopefully) you’d walk me  
down the aisle and give me away to derek ?

Boss Man: Only if you wanted me to, of course. Like I said, it’s usually done by the father of the bride. 

Holmes: well it’s not gonna be my dad so

Holmes: do u wanna walk me down the aisle if i get married 

Boss Man: You guys are terribly informal.

Holmes: so… no?

Boss Man: No, I’ll definitely do it. I’d be honored to get to “give you away” even if it’s to Derek and I know you can do better.

Watson: okay first of all fuck you

Watson: second, come get ur kid he just called me a bald idiot

Boss Man: He’s working on his observational skills.

Holmes: lmao


	11. General Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> very short filler chapter, more sports related injuries and spencer being a real one, love wlw and mlm solidarity

Baby Girl: spencie

Holmes: garcie?

Baby Girl: ew no

Holmes: yeah i hated that

Holmes: what’s up

Baby Girl: ur degrees

Baby Girl: what are they in

Holmes: mm chemistry, engineering, mathematics, psychology, sociology, and philosophy

Holmes: why

Boss Man: When did you get your fifth and sixth degree? You had four when I met you.

Holmes: double majored and finished them last year

Boss Man: Where? And how? You work full-time.

Holmes: Georgetown, online

Boss Man: Impressive.

Baby Girl: yes we get it he’s a genius

Baby Girl: so you’d be able to give me a basic understanding of philosophy to impress a girl i’m going on a date with tomorrow?

Holmes: ooh you’ve got a date?

Baby Girl: yes, can you help?

Holmes: tell me about her while i write down some talking points

Holmes: is she cute? what’s her name?

Baby Girl: jessica, gorgeous, she has a bachelors in philosophy and we met at my dnd group

Eldest Daughter: oooh yes garcia get ittt

Watson: you do know that you’re about to be sent an entire paper on the basics of philosophy, right?

Baby Girl: i’m counting on it

Baby Girl: also we made out last week and then she asked me out so i think i might be in love with her

Eldest Daughter: i know you’re pansexual but that’s such lesbian energy

Baby Girl: i’m a lesbian until i see a man with long hair

Watson: excuse me?

Baby Girl: or my chocolate thunder <3

Watson: better

Holmes: i sent you an email 

Baby Girl: looks more like a dissertation than the bullet points i was expecting but thank you love <3

Holmes: :) <3

Watson: is peppermint coffee good?

Baby Girl: yes!

Eldest Daughter: no

JJ: nooo.

Boss Man: Not very.

Watson: none of you are coffee experts

Watson: @Holmes

Holmes: idk never had any

Watson: ?? there’s a type of coffee you’ve never had ???

Holmes: i’ve had black coffee with lots of sugar and an iced salted caramel mocha and that’s the complete list

Watson: wHAT

Watson: i figured you drink anything with caffeine in it, or anything you can put extra shots of espresso in

Holmes: extra shots of espresso?

Boss Man: No. 

Boss Man: Morgan why would you tell him that was an option?

Watson: it’s a fair assumption that he already knew about that !!

Holmes: i looked it up

Holmes: i’m gonna save so much money just getting extra shots instead of several cups

Holmes: i’m gonna order a triple shot

Holmes: i’m so excited

Boss Man: Cancel your order before you have a heart attack.

Holmes: :(

Boss Man: Cancel. Your. Order.

Holmes: whyyy

Watson: you’ll die at 26 if you start drinking triple shots

Watson: and i bought you an iced peppermint mocha already

Holmes: okay <3 

Holmes: thank you

Holmes: love you

Watson: love you too 

Boss Man: Hi

Watson: ??? hello ??? are you alright ?

Boss Man: it’s Jack

Watson: oh !

Watson: hello jack, what’s up buddy

Boss Man: do you want to teach me how to play football now?

Watson: absolutely

Watson: can you hand the phone back to your dad?

Boss Man: Hm. Hello. I was not aware that Jack took my phone. 

Watson: evidently

Watson: so it’s cool if i come take ur kid and throw things at him?

Boss Man: Rephrase that.

Watson: can i pick up jack and take him to the park to teach him how to play football?

Boss Man: Yeah, sure.

Watson: cool

Boss Man: Are you bringing Spencer?

Watson: … yeah

Boss Man: Of course you are.

Boss Man: Bring bandaids.

Watson: i’m not actually going to throw things at ur son, you know that right?

Boss Man: Spencer is going to get hurt.

Holmes: hey !! :( 

Boss Man: Name one time you’ve tried to play a sport and come away uninjured.

Holmes: :(

Holmes: i’m just gonna sit on the bleachers and read a book 

Boss Man: Derek, bring bandaids.

Watson: okay 

~

Watson: spencer’s bleeding ://

Baby Girl: what happened !!?

Holmes: football 2 face

Boss Man: Derek or Jack?

Holmes: jack 

Boss Man: Sorry. I told you he couldn’t aim.

Holmes: s okay

Boss Man: Is your nose bleeding?

Holmes: ye

Boss Man: Pinch the bridge of your nose and don’t tilt your head back.

Holmes: wh

Holmes: oh

Holmes: is it cause i’ll throw up?

Boss Man: Yes. Did you just throw up?

Watson: that he did

Boss Man: Are you at the park still?

Watson: yeah, r u on ur way?

Boss Man: I’ll be there soon.

~

Holmes: all good if anyone’s wondering

Eldest Daughter: no one was

Holmes: :(

Baby Girl: i was wondering !! i’m glad you’re okay bb <3

Holmes: ty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello !! i'm so glad you guys are enjoying this story and it makes my day every time i see a comment !! i've started the next set of texts (christmas related because i'm excited !!) but i want to know if you guys enjoy the randomness or if you want some actual plot thrown in? i'm open to any and all suggestions about what you'd like to see ! thanks for reading <3


	12. Merry Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> christmas day and what everyone got for everyone else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a christmas moment and then we'll return to complete and utter nonsense because it's just more fun to write

JJ: what are we doing for christmas?

Eldest Daughter: presents please

JJ: thank you love

Baby Girl: secret santa this year or everyone buys for everyone?

Boss Man: If we’re doing Secret Santa we need to decide soon.

Watson: everyone for everyone is more fun !

Holmes: ^^^

JJ: okay let’s do everyone for everyone ?

Baby Girl: yay!! i already planned everyone’s gifts out :)

Boss Man: Three of your gifts are already wrapped.

Holmes: you’re such a softie for christmas

Boss Man: I’ll return your gift, Reid.

Holmes: no you won’t bc you love me :)

Boss Man: Only because I have to.

Holmes: book <3

Eldest Daughter: i wish that this was unusual but it’s just not.

JJ: derek’s doing 12 days of christmas for him and today he got a book

JJ: and he’s swooning

Holmes: book :) 

JJ: you’ve already read it

Holmes: book!!

Eldest Daughter: let him be, he’s gay

Watson: the book was like $10 and the lamest of the gifts i bought and if we move at this rate he might die by christmas

Holmes: okay :) <3

Boss Man: If you die before Christmas you won’t get the rest of your presents, Reid.

Holmes: have book :)

Watson: i should’ve just gotten him the one gift

Watson: sorry guys :/

Baby Girl: no he’s so cute !! he loves his book!

Watson: i fear he’s going to be disappointed when he realizes that not all of the gifts are books

JJ: you could give him a worm for christmas and he’d probably tear up

Holmes: pet worm :)

Holmes: i’d name him wormsworth

Eldest Daughter: ofc you would

Holmes: what’s that mean ? :(

Boss Man: emily stop bullying your brother

Eldest Daughter: what’s the point of having a brother if i can’t be mean to him

Watson: for my sisters it was so that they’d have someone to make carry their bags

Eldest Daughter: reid do you want to go shopping with me?

Holmes: yeah okay

Eldest Daughter: nice

Watson: what do you buy for a man who only wears suits and has never smiled once in his life?

Boss Man: Vacation time.

Watson: not sure how 2 wrap that

Baby Girl: a tie? dress shirt?

Watson: that’s boring :/

Eldest Daughter: he’s your best friend? shouldn’t you know him well enough to get him a nice gift?

Watson: i thot so but apparently not

Boss Man: Keep Reid from getting injured for a week.

Watson: not possible

Boss Man: Yeah, I know. 

Holmes: hotch what you do like to do for fun

Boss Man: Hang out with Jack.

JJ: what do you do when he’s gone?

Boss Man: Clean.

Eldest Daughter: you’re so fucking boring

Boss Man: I’m also your boss.

Eldest Daughter: doesn’t mean you’re not boring dude

Watson: she’s got a point

Holmes: derek call me i have idea

~

Watson: i’ve decided on a gift for mr.sir

Baby Girl: what are you getting him ??

Watson: i’m not going to tell you, especially not where he can see it

Boss Man: You’re getting smarter every day.

JJ: it’s because he spends every waking moment with spence

Eldest Daughter: ^^

Watson: you break my heart

Watson: i’m getting smarter all on my own

Boss Man: Not you’re not.

Watson changed Boss Man’s nickname to “Dick”.

Dick removed Watson from the chat.

Dick: Some winter cleaning.

Dick changed his nickname to “Aaron”.

Eldest Daughter: ew !! that’s gross !

Aaron: That’s my name, Emily.

Baby Girl: ooooh you emily’d herrrrr

Aaron: You’re next, Penelope.

Baby Girl: ugh okay i see why everyone goes by their last names this is icky

Baby Girl changed Aaron’s nickname to “Hotchnerd”.

Hotchnerd: I don’t see how that is any better at all.

Holmes: someone bring derek back :( i don’t know how :(

Baby Girl added Derek Morgan to the group chat.

Baby Girl changed Derek Morgan’s nickname to “Watson”.

Watson: ha! hotchnerd ! classic!

Holmes: :( i’ll miss you

Hotchnerd removed Watson from the chat.

Hotchnerd: You need to train your boyfriend.

Holmes: how can i when you keep removing him from the chat !!

Hotchnerd removed Holmes from the chat.

Baby Girl: aw :/

Hotchnerd changed his nickname to “Boss Man”.

Boss Man: They’re on time out for an hour.

~

Baby Girl added Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan to the chat. 

Derek Morgan: awh you got removed in my honor baby

Spencer Reid: no i just like making trouble :)

Boss Man: Evidently.

Derek Morgan changed Spencer Reid’s nickname to “Problem Child”.

Spencer Reid changed Derek Morgan’s nickname to “Door Nemesis”.

Door Nemesis changed Problem Child’s nickname to “Jerk”.

Jerk changed Door Nemesis’s nickname to “Asshat”.

Asshat changed Jerk’s nickname to “Dickhead”.

The host has temporarily banned nickname changes. If you believe this is a mistake click here.

Dickhead: garcia :(

Asshat: HA

Asshat: i win

Dickhead: your name is ass hat so i don’t really think you do

Boss Man: You both lost.

The host has unbanned nickname changes. You may now update nicknames.

Asshat changed Dickhead’s nickname to “Baby Boy”.

Asshat changed his nickname to “DMorgan”.

The host has temporarily banned nickname changes. If you believe this is a mistake click here.

Baby Boy: you’re a dick

DMorgan: i don’t know what you’re talking about

Baby Boy: did you bribe her with candy or coffee?

Baby Girl: both :) 

Baby Boy: are you proud of yourself, morgan?

DMorgan: morgan ? :( 

Baby Boy: that’s what your nickname says, doesn’t it?

DMorgan: :// feelings are hurt but i already bought the coffee so i’m not letting go of the victory for a while

Baby Boy: damn

Eldest Daughter: you really are children

JJ: says you.

Eldest Daughter: i want to divorce you

JJ: we’re not married.

Eldest Daughter: shame :/

Boss Man: I can’t believe how often I have to say this but do not propose right now. Discuss marriage, make a plan, think it through.

Eldest Daughter: you’re just against marriage

Boss Man: I was married for many years, Emily.

Eldest Daughter: was

Boss Man removed Eldest Daughter from the chat.

JJ: you’ve gotten really good at that.

Boss Man: Practice.

Baby Girl: CHRISTMAS TIME

DMorgan: bbg it’s like 7 in the morning, you and i are the only ones awake

Boss Man: False.

DMorgan: correction

DMorgan: you, hotch, and i are the only ones awake

JJ: try again.

DMorgan: okay so i guess it’s just spencer and emily that aren’t awake

Baby Girl: wake them up!!

JJ: and how are we meant to do that?

Baby Girl: emily is obviously at your house, don’t play dumb with me

JJ: stop being a profiler.

JJ added Emily Prentiss to the chat.

Emily Prentiss changed her nickname to “Prentits”.

Prentits: cause i like boobs

Boss Man: The only reason I am not going to immediately remove you again is because it’s Christmas. You’re on thin ice.

Prentits: understood

Prentits: derek wake up reid

DMorgan: ??

Prentits: isn’t he at ur place?

DMorgan: no? 

JJ: why not?

DMorgan: what do you mean why not? we don’t live together?

Baby Girl: why not?

DMorgan: i asked hotch if i could ask spence to move in and he said no

Baby Girl: @BossMan

Boss Man: He asked me instead of asking Spencer.

JJ: probably bc spence would obviously say yes??

Boss Man: We don’t know that for a fact.

DMorgan: i do

DMorgan: @BabyBoy wake up!! it’s christmas !!

Baby Boy: morngiu

DMorgan: hello cutie :)

Baby Boy: gud mornign derk

Baby Boy: an otters

Baby Boy: others

Baby Girl: good morning !!

JJ: morning spence

Baby Boy: was goin on

Baby Boy: case?

Boss Man: No, it’s Christmas and your coworkers are children.

Baby Boy: o

Baby Boy: gn then

DMorgan: nope

DMorgan: make coffee and come back

Baby Boy: k

Baby Boy: okay i’m back

Baby Boy: i am not very good at typing :/

Prentits: you are not

Baby Boy: hehe i like ur username

Prentits: THANK YOU

Baby Girl: let’s focus please

Baby Boy: i’m listening

JJ: @DMorgan

DMorgan: babyyy

Baby Boy: yesss?

DMorgan: do you want to move in with me?

Baby Boy: ??

Baby Boy: actually ?

Baby Boy: like my stuff into your house?

DMorgan: yes, exactly like that

Baby Boy: fr?

DMorgan: yes

Baby Boy: yes ?? obviously i want to do that ??

DMorgan: great :) <3

DMorgan: @BossMan told you so

Boss Man: I thought I’d taught him better than that.

Baby Boy: sorry dad :/ 

Boss Man: Mhm, sure.

Baby Girl: <3 little babies ! speaking of little babies !! jj and boss man how are your children this morning?

JJ: henry opened one toy and then his gift from spencer and he’s been playing with it ever since

Prentits: and it’s not even something fun, it’s a fucking book

Baby Boy: he likes it!?!

JJ: he hasn’t set it down

Boss Man: I am facing a similar issue where Jack opened all of his gifts, threw them all around the living room, and is now sitting on the kitchen table putting together a puzzle.

Baby Boy: is it the puzzle i got him?

Boss Man: You’re the only person that would buy an 11 year-old a puzzle for Christmas.

Baby Boy: well it worked out, didn’t it :P

Boss Man: You’re getting coal for Christmas.

Baby Boy: :(

Baby Girl: how DARE you make him sad on christmas !!

Baby Boy: i’m okay :) he’ll like the gift i got him so much he’ll have to give me a gift

Boss Man: You’re very sure of yourself.

Baby Boy: yep :) as you’ve seen this morning, i’m pretty good at giving gifts

JJ: he really is.

Prentits: better than me?

JJ: yeah probably

Prentits: hold on

Prentits: how about now?

JJ: unless spence plans to kiss me like that, you’re better

DMorgan: he does not

Baby Boy: ^^

Baby Boy: hey, for christmas can i change my username back?

DMorgan: no :)

Baby Boy: i don’t love you

DMorgan: yes you do

Baby Boy: yeah, i do

DMorgan: can i pick you up and bring you to rossi’s? 

Baby Boy: i’ll be ready :)

Baby Girl: okay gift haul!!

Baby Girl: doctor who scarf (spencieee) dnd book (shockingly enough, mr.man) assorted makeup goodies (my girl jj) gift certificate to get my nails done (chocolate thunder) wine (rossi, naturally) and the most vibrant dress i’ve ever seen courtesy of none other than ms.emily prentiss

Baby Girl: thank you all so much for my presents !!

Prentits: <3 we luv u PG

Prentits: i’ll go next !

Prentits: necklace from my girl, wine from rossi, knife from derek, boots from PG, shall from hotch, and a pair of cashmere gloves from our resident nerd. thank you for the lovely gifts <3 i nominate jj to go next !

JJ: of course you do.

JJ: a lovely bracelet from em, tennis shoes from morgan, sweater from hotch, wine from rossi (sensing a pattern), spa day and free night at a hotel from the wonder duo with a promise to babysit so i can go undisturbed for a night. you’re all angels and i love you! @BossMan you’re up

Boss Man: We watched each other open all of the gifts.

DMorgan: just give us the haul 

Boss Man: Sigh.

Boss Man: Garcia and Emily both gifted me ties. From Emily I received a new wallet. Dave of course gifted me wine. From Spencer and Derek they were gracious enough to donate a few days of their own vacation time to me so I could take a week off for camping with Jack this summer. Thank you all for the great gifts.

DMorgan: love you boss man 

DMorgan: me next !

DMorgan: from my bbg i was given a new pair of hiking boots, em and jj a new tool belt, $50 from rossi, watch from hotch (rhyming) and from my darling baby boy the gift of love and also a grill and cooking book <3 

Baby Girl: you guys are the absolute cutest 

Baby Girl: @BabyBoy !! your turn!!

Baby Boy: oki :)

Baby Boy: um so jj got me a book on anthropology, em got me a book in russian so i can learn how to read it, garcia got me a coloring book and pens, rossi gave me the weirdest hug of my life and a gift card to barnes and noble, hotch gave me the second weirdest hug of my life, a book about marriage because he’s kind of a jerk, and also the first ten books on the list of 100 books you should read before 100. the first three have all been really good ! 

Baby Boy: and on top of asking me to move in with him derek gave me a promise ring on top of the 12 other gifts he gave me leading up to today because he’s amazing and the best person in the entire world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (hello i hate author’s notes but there’s no good way to list all 12 gifts derek gave spencer so i’m going to just make a list here and then we’ll act like this never happened)  
> Day 1: A copy of Derek’s favorite book annotated with his favorite parts  
> Day 2: Charcoal pencils  
> Day 3: Sketch book  
> Day 4: Disposable camera because remembering everything is fun but being able to show other people those memories is better  
> Day 5: Fun mismatched socks  
> Day 6: Starbucks gift card  
> Day 7: New messenger bag  
> Day 8: Flannel pajamas  
> Day 9: Knitted blanket  
> Day 10: New chess set  
> Day 11: 3D puzzle  
> Day 12: Weighted blanket


	13. Prank War Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prank war chaos part 1

JJ: spence

Baby Boy: j

JJ: how would you like to take henry to the movies so i can meet up with will?

Baby Boy: obviously i would like that very much 

Baby Boy: i’m with der, can he come with?

JJ: of course you are.

Baby Boy: soooooo …?

JJ: yeah obviously he can.

JJ: toy story 5 work for you guys?

DMorgan: why won’t they stop making those? they’re not good anymore

JJ: you’re telling me ! i haven’t liked any but the first one

Baby Boy: they’re good :(

DMorgan: can’t believe i’m willingly dating this man

Baby Boy: :(

DMorgan: tie your shoes so i can buy you a ridiculously expensive bucket of popcorn that you’ll eat before the movie starts

Baby Boy: coming ! jj we’ll be there soon

~

DMorgan: both of them cried hysterically

Prentits: at toy story 5?

DMorgan: yeah

Boss Man: It’s shockingly sad for an animated film.

Prentits: did u cry too when you saw it with jack?

Boss Man: No comment.

DMorgan: haha loser

Boss Man: -15 points for Gryffindor 

Baby Boy: hehe

DMorgan: :( 

DMorgan: would it help if i told you i love ur eldest son

Boss Man: -40 points for Gryffindor

DMorgan: okay i don’t love ur eldest son

Boss Man: Gryffindor has been disqualified.

DMorgan: can’t win with him

Baby Boy: you just don’t know how to play the game

Baby Girl: he loves me and spence the most <3

DMorgan: yeah that’s fair, me too

Prentits: well then who loves me the most?

Baby Boy: jj :)

Prentits: mm

Prentits: jj :)

JJ: heard you bitches was looking for me

DMorgan: so how was meeting with will

JJ: i’m a little tipsy but henry will be pleased to receive this toy train. 

JJ: spence will also be pleased with it.

Baby Boy: toy train? 

JJ: yes. 

Baby Boy: does it make noise?

JJ: yep.

Baby Boy: nice 

DMorgan: a child 

Baby Boy: you’re hurting my feelings

DMorgan: hm, happens

Baby Girl: spencer has asked me to do something and i apologize in advance

The host has unbanned nickname changes. You may now update nicknames.

Baby Boy changed DMorgan’s nickname to “Jackass”.

The host has temporarily banned nickname changes. If you believe this is a mistake click here.

JJ: you guys remember when they had the cute matching names?

Prentits: the good ole days 

Baby Boy: throwback to before he made a hobby of terrorizing me

Jackass: i’m not terrorizing you

Jackass: it’s playful teasing

Jackass: like the prank war that i unequivocally won 

Baby Boy: NO

Baby Boy: YOU DID NOT

Baby Boy: I DID THE SCREAMING THING I TOTALLY WON

Jackass: you absolutely did not. that was lameee and my phone call prank was hilarious !

Baby Boy: NO IT WASN’T

JJ: unfortunately it was, sorry spence

Prentits: ^^ it was very funny to watch

Boss Man: I disapprove of his prank method. That being said, it was a very good prank.

Baby Girl: yeah they’re all right

Baby Girl: der bear won 

Baby Boy: ahhhh

Baby Boy: you all suck! he never even retaliated so obviously i won!

Jackass: r u prepared for this to escalate into a second, much more intense, prank war?

Baby Boy: bring it, jackass

Jackass: consider it brought, dumbass

Baby Girl: ooh! 

Boss Man: Time to be an authority figure.

Boss Man: I understand that because I have lost respect from most of you for some reason or another, my arguments to NOT DO THIS will be ignored completely. 

Jackass: yep

Boss Man: So instead I’m enforcing some rules to keep it safe. 

Boss Man: No pranks that will disrupt your work. No serious physical or emotional harm. Keep the pranks within the team when you inevitably recruit others for help. DO NOT   
come to me for help. Agreed?

Jackass: works 4 me

Baby Boy: got it

Baby Boy: also three pranks in a row not retaliated from one side are against the rules !! some of them will take time !

Jackass: just say you’re a nerd and go. how do we determine who wins?

Baby Boy: go until someone calls it off?

Boss Man: No. When someone calls it off it means that something went wrong and someone was hurt.

Jackass: certain amount of rounds, voting at the end of each round? 

Baby Boy: sure. jj, em, garcia, and hotch are our voters?

Jackass: yeah. 5 rounds with one prank per round?

Baby Boy: hotch, that work? ^^

Boss Man: Sure. Go ahead.

Baby Girl: how will we know when all the pranks have been played?

Jackass: pranked announces the prank in the chat after it’s over?

JJ: i’m thrilled for this.

Prentits: catch me eating popcorn as i watch this shit unfold.

~

Jackass: go ahead, baby 

Baby Boy: you work so fucking fast

Baby Boy: i assumed i was fine until AT LEAST tomorrow morning

Jackass: you assumed wrong

Prentits: ha, did he get pranked already?

JJ: share with the class, spence

Baby Boy: fucking salt in my coffee

Baby Girl: icky

Baby Boy: icky indeed, garcia

Baby Boy: but much less icky than what i have planned in return

Jackass: shaking in my boots, pretty boy

~

Baby Boy: go ahead

Baby Boy: baby

Baby Girl: it’s been like an hour???

Prentits: morgan works fast but reid works faster

Prentits: what was the prank

Baby Girl: ^^^ ??

Baby Boy: go on, sweetheart

Jackass: he changed my fucking home screen to the fucking clown and i nearly shit myself

Prentits: lmaooo

JJ: oh, easily spence on this one

Baby Girl: confidently spencer sorry handsome 

Prentits: majority rules with spencer all the way, i watched you jump and i just assumed you saw a bug lmao

Jackass: i started easy, expect hell 

Baby Boy: shaking in my boots

~

Baby Boy: FUCKING HELL DEREK

Jackass: who? me?

JJ: context?

Baby Boy: FUCKER WOKE ME UP WITH HIS HEADPHONES AT FULL VOLUME PLAYING SOME SHITTY ROCK MUSIC

Boss Man: Language.

Boss Man: Good prank though and no sleeping at work, Reid.

Prentits: so it worked then?

Baby Boy: YEAH IT FUCKING WORKED AND MY HEAD IS POUNDING

JJ: money’s on morgan for this one

Baby Girl: ^^

Baby Boy: COUNT YOUR FUCKING DAYS

~

Jackass: fake spider in my food? really?

Baby Boy: yeah :// guess i’m not very good :(

Jackass: ??

Jackass: FUCK

Boss Man: Not a fake spider?

Baby Boy: not a fake spider :) 

Jackass: YOU’RE A MONSTER

Jackass: THERE WAS A SPIDER IN MY MOUTH

Jackass: A REAL SPIDER

Prentits: oh god that’s nastyyyy

JJ: incredibly gross.

Baby Girl: ew ew ew!! too gross! point der!

JJ: point spence

Prentits: spencer

Boss Man: Reid. Very entertaining.

Jackass: THERE WAS A FUCKING

Jackass: SPIDER

Jackass: IN MY M O U T H

Baby Boy: :O oh nooo :)

Jackass: MY MOUTH

~

Baby Boy: hehe :)

Baby Girl: what did u do this time?

Baby Boy: hehehe

Prentits: @Jackass spill it

Jackass: i don’t know what it is yet

Baby Boy: teeheehee

JJ: a lot of build up for what i’m expecting to me a very anticlimactic joke

Prentits: reid, what’s the prank

Baby Boy: it’s a secret

Baby Boy: you’ll see

Jackass: is the prank just the anxiety of expecting a prank because that seems like something you’d do and it’s just not very funny

Baby Boy: it’s not that :)

Boss Man: Now I’m involved. What is it?

Baby Girl: the suSPENCE is killing me

Baby Girl: haha

Baby Girl: see what i did there

Baby Boy: very good garcia

Baby Boy: here it comes

Jackass: DID YOU CALL MY SISTERS AND TELL THEM WE WERE ENGAGED??

Baby Boy: haha

Baby Boy: yeah

Jackass: THEY WON’T STOP CALLING ME MAKE IT STOP

Boss Man: Having met his sisters, good one.

JJ: oooh that’s actually really good!

Prentits: niceeee

Baby Girl: baby genius is so creative !!

Jackass: THEY TOLD MY MOM

Jackass: SHE SAID SHE’S GONNA FLY UP IF I DON’T CALL HER BACK RIGHT NOW

Jackass: HOTCH

Boss Man: You have 5 minutes to call her and then get back to work.

Jackass: IT’S GONNA TAKE ME AT LEAST 15 

Jackass: WATCH YOUR BACK PRETTY BOY

~

Jackass: babe i’m in your apartment don’t shoot me

Baby Boy: okay

Baby Boy: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Prentits: what’s happening

Baby Boy: DEREK FUCKING MORGAN

Baby Boy: LEAVE

JJ: is it a prank or did something bad happen?

Baby Boy: IT’S PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE IS WHAT IT IS

Boss Man: @Jackass Is it actually psychological torture?

Jackass: i promise it’s not

Baby Girl: what’s happening to my baby ??

Baby Boy: MORGAN GET OUT OR WASH YOUR FUCKING FACE RIGHT NOW AND DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TALK TO ME UNTIL YOU HAVE CHANGED

JJ: WAIT HOLD ON

JJ: @Jackass 

JJ: ARE YOU DRESSED AS A MIME??

Jackass: yep :)

Prentits: LMAO IS REID SCARED OF MIMES

Jackass: terrified of them :) 

Baby Girl: oh okay that’s actually pretty good

Boss Man: Point Morgan.

Baby Boy: MORGAN I WILL BREAK UP WITH YOU

Jackass: i’m washing my face right now you can get out of the corner of the kitchen

Baby Boy: NOT UNTIL YOU PROVE THAT YOU’RE NOT DRESSED LIKE A MIME ANYMORE

Jackass: babyyyy

Baby Boy: DO NOT “BABY” ME YOU ABSOLUTE JACKASS

Baby Girl: okay it’s really funny

Baby Boy: GARCIA ??

Baby Girl: sorry :/

Prentits: morgan takes the cake of best prank so far

Baby Boy: I ALMOST PASSED OUT THIS IS NOT FUNNY @BossMan HELP

Boss Man: Nah, it’s really funny and there was no harm done. 

Baby Boy: FUCK YOU

Boss Man: Excuse you?

Baby Boy: I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ADRENALINE RIGHT NOW IF YOU WANT SOMEONE NICE MAKE NEW FRIENDS

Prentits: this is so funny i absolutely adore this, great job morgan

JJ: yeah good job

Baby Boy: NO !

~

Jackass: Spencer Reid

Jackass: tell me the spider moving across my desk is automated or risk losing a boyfriend

Baby Boy: i have nothing to say

Jackass: spider on my desk

Baby Boy: spider on your desk :)

Jackass: remove the spider

Baby Boy: big strong man can remove it himself, can he not?

Jackass: remove

Jackass: the

Jackass: spider

Prentits: so we all find his fear of spiders to be genuinely hilarious?

Boss Man: I sure do. Looks good for Reid this round.

Jackass: Hotchner you will come get the spider off my desk or i will turn in a letter of resignation within the week

Boss Man: Yeah, alright. Spencer, spider. Good job.

Baby Boy: removing the spider rn

JJ: there’s my evil genius best friend 

Prentits: there’s my girlfriend’s evil genius best friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment some funny prank suggestions google is useless at the moment ! also there's over 1000 hits !! thank you so much!!   
> pranks:  
> 1\. salted coffee/clown screensaver  
> 2\. headphones/spider in food  
> 3\. engagment prank/mime  
> 4\. spider on desk/RETALIATION TOWARDS SPENCER NEEDED  
> 5\. nothing yet!!


	14. Prank War Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end of the prank war :) poor baby spence gets a little bit demolished towards the end

Baby Girl: has he gotten spencer back yet?

Prentits: don’t believe so

JJ: i’ve heard nothing @BabyBoy has he done anything yet?

Baby Boy: nope :) he’s probably trying to look something up because he knows he isn’t as smart as me

Boss Man: That’s not what he’s doing.

Baby Boy: what

Baby Boy: wait

Baby Boy: you know what he’s doing?

Baby Boy: he told you?

Baby Boy: oh god are you helping him

Baby Boy: hotch

Baby Boy: hotchner

Baby Boy: aaron please

Prentits: edge of my seat rn

JJ: this is the most exciting things that’s happened in ages

Baby Girl: i’ve got all cameras on patiently awaiting

Baby Boy: fuck 

Baby Boy: no okay it can’t be that bad

Baby Boy: i put a spider on his desk and then removed it as soon as he asked

Baby Boy: he won’t be that upset

Prentits: he might be that upset

Jackass: he is :)

Baby Boy: fuck babe i’m sorry

Jackass: you’re not sorry you’re just nervous

Baby Boy: i can be both

Boss Man: Pause the pranks. Wheels up in 25.

~

Baby Boy: i don’t want to participate anymore

Baby Girl: aww :(

Baby Girl: was my chocolate thunder mean to you? you just say the word and i can crash his whole computer

Jackass: thanks but no thanks, love, i think we can work this one out ourselves

Prentits: what is it!! what was the prank !!

JJ: ^^^ dying to know since you guys haven’t left the hotel room since we got here

Jackass: baby, that’s your cue to share

Baby Boy: i don’t want to

Jackass: but it’s a rule :) and if you break a rule you automatically lose which would mean i won the prank war TWICE

Baby Boy: i’ll cut your dick off

Boss Man: Share with the rest of us, Reid.

Baby Boy: you specifically are not allowed to tell me what to do

Baby Boy: if you weren’t my boss i’d have killed you years ago

Boss Man: 5

Boss Man: 4

Boss Man: 3

Boss Man: 2

Baby Boy: he dyed my fucking hair

JJ: wHAT

Prentits: wHO WHAT 

Baby Girl: OH!!??

Jackass: :)

Jackass: me and hotch did :) teamwork! boss man said it was okay because it’s not really physical harm because it doesn’t hurt him and then he called him right before he took  
a shower so i could switch out his shampoo 

Boss Man: I deny all of this except for the fact that I did indeed make a phone call to Spencer roughly half an hour ago.

JJ: well i’m dying to know what color it is

Baby Boy: no.

Prentits: we’re going to see it eventually, reid

Baby Boy: over my cold dead body

Prentits: can be arranged

Prentits: come onnnn it’s not like it’s going to wash out just show us!!

Baby Boy: i will stand here in the bathroom until i either pass out from heat exhaustion or the color leaves my hair

Baby Girl: baby :(

Boss Man: Reid, we’re leaving in 10 minutes to get to the station. Stop whining and get dressed and meet us downstairs.

Baby Boy: fuck

~

JJ: the hat is cheating, spence.

Baby Boy: shut up or i’ll stop babysitting henry

Prentits: i’m gonna take the hat

Baby Boy: touch my head and i’ll gut you like a fish

Prentits: i’m not gonna take the hat

Jackass: that’s my hat, give it back you’re gonna stain it

Baby Boy: unfortunately i couldn't care less if i stain your hat

Boss Man: You’re being rude, Reid. We’re in a building, remove the hat.

Baby Boy: i fucking hate every single one of you

Baby Boy: except garcia

Baby Girl: :)

Baby Girl: what color is it

Prentits: REID SERVING US MERMAID SERVING US SEAWEED SERVING US TENTACLES

JJ: giving us ~tree~

Baby Girl: it’s gREEN?

Jackass: it’s teal, more blue than green

Baby Girl: you dYED HIS HAIR TEAL??

Jackass: technically HE dyed his hair teal

Jackass: i just helped out a little

Baby Boy: i’m going to shave my head if one more person asks how old i am

Baby Boy: i look fucking TWELVE like i’m going through an EMO PHASE

Boss Man: Settle down or I’ll ground you.

Baby Boy: SHUT UP YOU’VE DONE NOTHING BUT LIE

Boss Man: You’re not getting the hat back until you apologize.

Baby Boy: don’t need a hat if IM DEAD

Jackass: deep breaths baby it’s not that bad

Baby Boy: NOT THAT BAD??

Baby Boy: I LOOK RIDICULOUS I LOOK LIKE A CLOWN I HAVE HALF A MIND TO DUMP YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW AND IF I DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE THE PERFECT IDEA TO GET  
YOU BACK I WOULD CALL THIS WHOLE THING OFF

JJ: i think emily dyed her hair that same shade in middle school

Prentits: i did, it was awful, i looked horrendous

Baby Boy: SHUT

Baby Boy: UP

Boss Man: Hate to break up the fun but we’re on a case. Break ends now.

~

Jackass: Spencer

Jackass: you’ve done a lot of stupid shit in your life time

Jackass: a recklessly large amount of god awful decisions

Jackass: but this

Jackass: this is the worst mistake you’ve ever made

Jackass: i will make you beg for mercy by the end of this

Baby Boy: so you liked my prank?

Jackass: expect hell, pretty boy

~

Prentits: wait what did he do

JJ: why were you both awake at 3 in the morning?

Baby Girl: prank doesn’t count if you don’t tell us what happened !

Baby Boy: @Jackass

Jackass: motherfucker ambushed me inside of my own home, brought MY FAMILY OVER TO SPEND THE WEEKEND KNOWING THE PLACE WAS A MESS, TOLD MY MAMA I GOT SHOT, AND THEN JUST UP AND LEFT ME WHILE SHE SCREAMED IN MY EAR

Jackass: I HAVE HEARD NOTHING BUT QUOTES ABOUT GOD FOR THE PAST 8 HOURS

Jackass: “HE SAVED YOUR LIFE BABY, THAT’S THE GRACE OF GOD EVEN WHEN YOUR HOUSE LOOKS LIKE THIS AND YOU DON’T HANG UP THE CROSS I GOT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS”

Jackass: spencer reid i swear to GOD when i find you i will make your life a living hell

Jackass: get this woman OUT OF MY HOUSE

Baby Boy: i’m sending her the screenshot of you saying that

Jackass: FUCKER

Jackass: “DISRESPECTING THE WOMAN THAT GAVE YOU LIFE? NOW THAT IS A NEW LOW DEREK AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! HE SAID RESPECT THY MOTHER AND FATHER AND TO TAKE OUR GOOD NAME AND RUIN IT WITH THIS? OUTRAGEOUS.” 

Jackass: WE’RE GOING TO CHURCH?!

Baby Boy: haha

Baby Boy: yeah i’m very proud of myself on this one

Boss Man: Genuinely I am shocked. I am without words to describe how well this worked out for you. Excellent planning and execution. 

Prentits: torture him with his own mother, cruel and hilarious

JJ: ^^^ you’ve done something wonderful, spence

Baby Girl: i just know the final prank is going to rip this universe into a million tiny pieces

Prentits: they’re tied and i’d honestly say it’s going to take a miracle to beat this, morgan

Jackass: well i’m AT CHURCH SO HOPEFULLY I CAN FIGURE THIS OUT

Baby Boy: you shouldn’t be on your phone during service, i’ll tell fran

Jackass: i’ll tell her you didn’t actually finish your dinner and fed it to clooney and she’ll cry her eyes out and then get unreasonably angry at you so keep your fucking mouth  
shut

Baby Boy: yessir ;)

Jackass: cocky son of a bitch

~

Baby Boy: i’m never leaving the house again

Baby Boy: i’m quitting my job and i’m going to order my groceries online and i’ll work as tech support and god i am so angry i can’t even begin to describe how upset i am and the fact that i have to GO HOME TO THE MAN THAT SET THIS UP IS SO INFURIATING

Boss Man: On a scale of 1-10, how upset are you really?

Baby Boy: fucking i don’t know

Baby Boy: it feels like a 10 but it’s probably a 3

Boss Man: So you’re not actually upset?

Baby Boy: I AM TO!

Baby Boy: GOD I CAN’T SHOW MY FACE THERE EVER AGAIN

Prentits: okay wait what am i missing

JJ: i’ll tell you all about it later but basically spence was lecturing at georgetown and PG hacked his presentation with a presentation that morgan made

Prentits: and what was on the presentation?

Baby Boy: 39 PICTURES OF ME

Prentits: oh damn were they cute?

Jackass: yeah :)

Baby Boy: NO

Baby Boy: GOD DEREK I WAS IN THE FUCKING SHOWER FOR FOUR OF THEM

Baby Boy: THOSE WERE MY STUDENTS YOU FUCKING ASS

Baby Boy: AND THE SHOT OF ME BASICALLY DEEPTHROATING A POPSICLE?

Baby Boy: HOW ARE THEY GOING TO RESPECT ME AFTER THAT

Jackass: well i certainly think it’s a respectable amount

Baby Boy: JESUS CHRIST

Baby Girl: sorry sweetheart <3 if it helps i made him take out 6 of the pictures that i thought were too racy for public viewing

Baby Boy: It Doesn’t.

Baby Girl: :(

Boss Man: Derek is the winner, then?

Prentits: yeah

JJ: absolutely

Baby Girl: yes, sorry baby genius

Jackass: and i win again !

Jackass: alright spence i already cooked my “i’m sorry i took it too far” meal and it’s getting cold so get your cute lil butt down here

Baby Boy: no! 

Baby Boy: bring it to me

Jackass: oh of course my liege

Baby Boy: it better not be fucking soup

Jackass: not even if it’s heated up this time?

Baby Boy: shut up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is gonna be the last upload for a couple of days at least because i don't have any ideasss!!! if there's anything you want to see let me know and i'll add it :) otherwise, i hope you enjoyed and i'll be back soon <3


	15. IKEA with the Fam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they go to ikea, spencer is baby

Jackass: avengers

Baby Boy: assemble

Jackass: you complete me i love you

Baby Boy: i’m still a little angry at you

Baby Boy: but i love you too

Baby Girl: if i was a super hero which one would i be?

Baby Boy: she-hulk

Jackass: i don’t know much about her but i’m inclined to believe him

Baby Girl: i’ll take it

Baby Girl: wait bb genius assign everyone a superhero while we wait for them to appear

Baby Boy: easy

Baby Boy: derek’s falcon cause obviously, you’re she-hulk, jj is captain marvel, emily’s either valkyrie or black widow, rossi is hank pym who isn’t like really a superhero but kind of, and hotch is obviously somewhere between iron man and captain america

Baby Boy: leaning towards captain america quite a bit

Boss Man: Pleased with my assigned hero and I can speak for everyone when we say that you’re Spider-Man.

Baby Boy: spider-man!!??

Prentits: only peter parker would get that excited to be spiderman

JJ: captain marvel? hot. 

Prentits: ^^ she is so hot, also black widow for me she’s sexy

Jackass: i was falcon before falcon was falcon

Baby Boy: what an incredibly falcon thing to say, now everyone’s here say what you were going to say

Jackass: oh yeah

Jackass: i need someone to chaperone spencer with me at ikea

Prentits: HA, HE NEEDS A SECOND BABYSITTER

Baby Boy: :( derekkkk

Boss Man: You guys are finally going to buy Reid furniture for his room?

Jackass: yeahhh, as great as it is so get to share a space with them there’s just so many fucking books everywhere, like on the kitchen table and on the dryer and i found one in my sock drawer this morning so we need to get bookshelves

JJ: in your sock drawer?

Jackass: yes, my sock drawer

Jackass: it was just sitting on top of my socks i don’t know why he was opening my sock drawer and i don’t know why he was doing it while reading and i don’t know why he decided to stop reading and close the book and put the book in the sock drawer but i’m hoping book shelves will help eliminate his need to do that

Baby Boy: was putting your socks away, sorry :/

Jackass: of course you’d apologize for doing my laundry for me

Jackass: no need to be sorry, just confused the hell out of me and i’ll be honest scared me a little 

Jackass: but we need bookshelves

Baby Boy: oki :)

Baby Girl: i’m with a girl otherwise i would!!

Baby Boy: Jessica?

Baby Girl: ugh, no

Baby Girl: new girl, her name is elizabeth and she works at the mall

Baby Boy: is she cute?

Baby Girl: hot as hell

Jackass: that’s my girl

JJ: henry and i could come but he will demand to be in a cart until we get to the children’s section

Prentits: as he should

Boss Man: Jack did that too until he got too tall to fit comfortably. I need a new bed frame, I can come with.

Jackass: oooh new bed frameeee

Prentits: having too much fun?

Boss Man: Jack jumped on my bed last night and it split right down the middle.

JJ: you haven’t taught him about the monkeys jumping on the bed?

Boss Man: He thinks it’s a funny story and doesn’t understand it. 

Prentits: fair, it’s a good story

JJ: em, are you coming with?

Prentits: will you buy me a lamp if i do?

JJ: no but i’ll get an icecream cone and you can have some.

Prentits: sold, when do we leave

Jackass: wheels up in 5

Baby Boy: the wheels don’t go up on a toyota

Jackass: wheels down in 5

Baby Boy: they’re already down

Jackass: wheels continue to be down but will start to roll in 5 minutes

Baby Boy: good job

~

Jackass: where is he

Boss Man: Did you lose Reid already?

Jackass: sure did

JJ: he was with emily in lamps for a bit

Prentits: he knows a lot about lamps so i sent him to go find henry

JJ: well henry is with me and spence is not so that doesn’t help

Jackass: i think i should buy him a leash

Jackass: or at the very least some very loud bells

Boss Man: I’ve considered it as well given how frequently he gets lost during cases. 

Prentits: found him

Prentits: he’s in chairs

Jackass: why the fuck is he in chairs

Baby Boy: spinny chair good for reading books

Jackass: yeah alright, did u find a good chair

Baby Boy: :) spinny chair!!

Jackass: sure

Jackass: take a picture of the tag and then come look at shelves

Baby Boy: oki

Prentits: the chair has good spin

JJ: you don’t need a new chair, em

Prentits: doesn’t mean i don’t want one

JJ: don’t buy a new chair. get a lamp and come help henry pick out a stuffed animal.

Baby Boy: stuffed animal?

Jackass: christ

Jackass: i’ll get you a stuffed animal if you pick a bookshelf in the next 45 seconds

Baby Boy: shelf on far left

Jackass: the grey one?

Baby Boy: sure

Jackass: there is no grey shelf

Jackass: please, spencer, please i am begging for an ounce of your attention

Baby Boy: stuffed animal :(

Jackass: do you care at all what the shelves look like?

Baby Boy: no

Boss Man: Reid, go find your stuffed animal, I’ll help Morgan pick out a shelf.

Jackass: what a man

Jackass: oh damn he picks a good shelf

Jackass: baby what animal are you getting

JJ: he can’t decide between the shark and the bear

Jackass: tell him to get the shark

Prentits: that’s what i said but he won’t put the bear down because he “feels like it’s abandonment and he doesn’t want to put the bear through that”

Jackass: oh :(

Jackass: @BabyBoy we can get both but only one of them sleeps in our bed

Boss Man: You sleep in the same bed?

Jackass: i always forget you’re here

Jackass: yes, sir, i sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend

Boss Man: Mm. General distaste. Briefly upset. Short-lived moment of hope. Denial. Acceptance. 

Boss Man: Okay. 

Jackass: ur kinda fuckign weird hotch

Boss Man: No longer accepting. Spencer, you need to buy a mattress so you can sleep in the other room.

Baby Boy: :( but that’s supposed to be the office

Boss Man: Alright you can sleep in Derek’s bed and he can sleep in the office. Problem solved.

Jackass: ur ridiculous

Jackass: sweets do you want to pick out a desk or do you not care about that either

Baby Boy: don’t care

Baby Boy: require at least one drawer please

Boss Man: I don’t like the way you’re ignoring what I said.

Jackass: this one has two little drawers and then two big drawers, does that sound alright

Baby Boy: ye

Jackass: okay

Boss Man: Stop that.

Jackass: r u getting ice cream 2?

Baby Boy: mmhm i got u the meatball sub

Jackass: loml <3

Boss Man: I don’t find either of you funny. 

Boss Man: Spencer you’re dripping ice cream down your shirt.

Jackass: bb there’s ice cream on ur shirt

Baby Boy: oh !! ty! 

Boss Man: God hates me. 

Prentits: oh goody he’s joined our group

Boss Man: I’m leaving with my bed frame and I don’t want to hear from any of you until Monday.

Jackass: bye

Prentits: see ya

JJ: see you monday.

Baby Boy: bye bye love you dad

Boss Man: Goodbye Spencer.

Baby Boy: :)

~

Baby Boy: dad

Boss Man: Yes, Spencer?

Baby Boy: derek won’t let me use the drill 

Boss Man: That’s the first good decision he’s ever made. 

Jackass: spencer

Jackass: hold the fucking shelf

Baby Boy: and he’s saying mean words

Boss Man: Hold the shelf for him.

Baby Boy: bullies everywhere


	16. Orphans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> family chaos, hotch has reached his breaking point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been multiple weeks since i last updated,,, sorry! thank you so much for all of the love on this! <3

Baby Girl: pinks heels with a pink belt and headband or red heels with a red belt and red sunglasses

Prentits: are you looking to get laid or kissed

Baby Girl: stupid question

Jackass: red ;)

Baby Boy: red gives you a better chance

Boss Man: Red.

Baby Girl: oh boss man has spoken, red it is 

Boss Man: Where are Spencer and Derek?

Jackass: omw

Boss Man: Is Spencer with you?

Jackass: yes

Boss Man: Are you currently running to work?

Jackass: yep

Boss Man: Did he bring his inhaler?

Jackass: hh

Jackass: he says no

Boss Man: Stop running.

Jackass: we did, i brought a backup inhaler he’s breathing we’ll be there soon

Boss Man: Drink water when you get here.

Prentits: why y’all running?

Jackass: car broke down, no bus until 9:25 and spencer lost his subway pass

Boss Man: Buy him a lanyard.

Jackass: ordered one yesterday when he lost the key to our place despite it being in his pocket

Boss Man: Is it a brightly colored lanyard?

Jackass: it’s olive green but i bought a little tracker that i can connect to my phone and it’ll beep when he loses it

Boss Man: Your approval rating is rising.

Jackass: oh goody

Boss Man: -10

JJ: who does the soy milk in the fridge belong to and can i use some of it?

Boss Man: I believe it belongs to Derek. @Jackass

Jackass: yeah it’s for spencer you can have some

JJ: why does spence have special milk

Baby Boy: tummy doesn’t like regular milk

Prentits: because if the asthma wasn’t enough he had to be lactose intolerant too

Baby Boy: and iron-deficient, triple threat

Prentits: how does this man not stand up and then immediately fall down

Baby Boy: he doesn’t :) 

Prentits: fair

Jackass: hey fuckos

Boss Man: Start over.

Jackass: Hey Fuckos.

Boss Man: You’re at 0% chance of getting my blessing.

Jackass: i resent you

Boss Man: The feeling is mutual.

Jackass: hey coworkers

Prentits: sup

JJ: yeees?

Jackass: ur invited to the official unveiling of our apartment which is just my old apartment but now spencer lives here and it’s nerdier

Baby Girl: will there be snacks?

Jackass: stupid question

Baby Boy: yes there will be snacks, and also dinner if that’s something people want

Prentits: i will attend ONLY if there’s a free meal involved

Boss Man: Don’t be impolite.

Prentits: “don’t be impolite” okay thanks dad

Boss Man: I’m going to make you an orphan.

Baby Boy: LMAO

Jackass: HOTCH DUDE WHERE DID THAT COME FROM

Baby Girl: ?? when did boss man get so funny ???

Prentits: you’re

Prentits: you’re going to make me an orphan?

Boss Man: Sure am.

JJ: you okay, pal?

Boss Man: Do not call me pal.

Boss Man: What time should we be over?

Jackass: 6:30, dinner’s at 7 and snacks are a chartreuse board

Jackass: charsute board

Jackass: charedcuterey

Jackass: cheese board

Baby Boy: charcuterie board

Jackass: that’s the bitch

Boss Man: We’ll be there.

~

Prentits: hotchner

Boss Man: What?

Prentits: do you think derek and spencer have had sex in this room?

Boss Man: I hate you.

Prentits: okay but do you think they have

Jackass: yeah

Boss Man: I don’t want you seeing my son anymore.

Jackass: ah shucks :/

Boss Man: Spencer, you are forbidden from seeing Derek. He’s not a good influence.

Baby Boy: no but he’s fun

Boss Man: Fun gets people killed, Spencer. 

Baby Boy: ah

Boss Man: Don’t say it.

Baby Boy: shucks

Baby Boy: :/

Boss Man: I wish I’d stayed at home.

JJ: to eat your kraft mac and cheese?

Boss Man: Better than the burnt spaghetti we’ve got.

Baby Girl: hey!! i’m sure some lovely toddler tried very hard to make this for us

Baby Boy: okay first of all, fuck you

Boss Man: Reid.

Baby Boy: she’s being mean !! 

Boss Man: Maybe, but she isn’t cussing to do so.

Baby Boy: I miss not having a dad.

Prentits: lmao but :( u okay bud?

Jackass: don’t worry about him, he does this frequently 

Jackass: i call it the “oh no i’m an orphan” act

Baby Girl: so he isn’t sad?

Jackass: do you see the sparkle in his eye? that’s mischief

Boss Man: You’re still in trouble.

Baby Boy: :( but i’m so cute

Jackass: he is

Prentits: ^^

Boss Man: Stop.

JJ: they’ve got a point

Baby Boy: :)

Boss Man: I’m taking the wine and I’m going to sit in the office with the door closed and locked and if anyone tries to talk to me before I finish this bottle I’m going to make sure our next case is in Florida.

Jackass: dude i get the dramatics but that’s like a full bottle of wine

Boss Man: Next person to call me dude is getting FIRED. Am I clear?

Prentits: yikes, sure

Baby Girl: oh boy, yeppers

Baby Boy: crystal

JJ: like water

Boss Man: Excellent. 

~

Baby Girl: you done with the bottle yet?

Boss Man: yesh.

Jackass: oh no, no capitalization AND misspelled? 

Jackass: he’s going to die tonight

Boss Man: ur door knob is cold.

Baby Boy: what

Boss Man: door knob s cold.

Baby Boy: unlock the door

Boss Man: not sure how.

Baby Boy: turn the lil thing

Baby Boy: not the whole knob, just the little thing

Boss Man: did i do it?

Baby Boy: sigh, i really liked that door. derekkkkkk

Jackass: i’m not gonna kick the door down but i will take it off

Baby Girl: this is so fun i love a good drunk boss

Boss Man: i am no such thing.

Prentits: throwback to when i could get drunk off a bottle of wine

Prentits: now it takes three

Baby Boy: who wants to drive this man home?

JJ: call him a cab

Jackass: do you think he’d be angry if we just tucked him into the couch and left him there overnight?

Boss Man: who we talking about?

Prentits: i’ll be shocked if he even notices

Baby Girl: goodnight hotchy hotch

Jackass: everyone say night night

Boss Man: nighty night

Jackass: he’s gonna kick my ass tomorrow

Baby Boy: for certain

~

Boss Man: Morgan.

Jackass: Good afternoon, Hotch. How was the couch?

Boss Man: Derek.

Baby Boy: tylenol on the coffee table, coffee being made currently

Boss Man: I’d thank you if I wasn’t dead.

Prentits: you’ve orphaned me

Boss Man has removed Prentits from the chat.

Boss Man: I do not have the energy for her today.

JJ: me but every single day

Baby Boy: have you read the texts from last night yet?

Boss Man: I’m actively ignoring them. I think it’d be best if we all ignored last night.

Jackass: probably but haha “ur doorknob is cold”

Boss Man has removed Jackass from the chat.

Baby Boy: hey :(

Boss Man: I cannot be bothered. I haven’t been hungover in 3 years and it certainly wasn’t off of an entire bottle of wine.

Baby Boy: yeah alright, he’s exhausting

Boss Man: Break up with him. Date someone else. Anyone else.

Baby Girl added Derek Morgan and Emily Prentiss to the chat.

Derek Morgan changed his nickname to “Reid’sBF”.

Reid’sBF: you can’t get rid of me, bitch

Reid’sBF: i ain’t going no where

Reid’sBF: i ain’t going no fucking where

Boss Man removed Reid’sBF from the chat.

Emily Prentiss changed her nickname to “Prentits”.

Prentits: i promise to be good

Boss Man: You’re my second least favorite.

Baby Boy added Derek Morgan to the chat.

Derek Morgan: i apologize for my behavior earlier, i have learned from my mistakes

JJ: what did spence threaten you with?

Derek Morgan: i don’t think i should say

Baby Boy: he’s learning !!

Baby Boy changed Derek Morgan’s nickname to “LOML”.

LOML: i love you

Baby Boy: hehe :)

Baby Boy: love you too

Boss Man has left the chat.

Baby Girl: i think we broke him, i think he’s completely broken 

LOML changed his nickname to “Hercules”.

Hercules: i’ve defeated him

JJ: give the poor man a break, kids

Prentits: not for a moment in my life

Prentits added Aaron Hotchner to the chat.

Aaron Hotchner has left the chat.

Prentits added Aaron Hotchner to the chat.

Prentits changed Aaron Hotcher’s nickname to “Hotchman”.

Hotchman: Please.

Baby Boy: leave him alone !!

Hotchman: You’re still in trouble for enabling Derek and for swearing. 

Baby Boy: :( i tried to help you open the door and when you couldn’t figure it out i had derek let you out

Baby Boy: i did good things

Hotchman: Bring me the entire pot of coffee and then never mention anything about this ever again.

Baby Boy: oki :)

Hotchman: I will see you all at work on Monday at 7.

Baby Girl: feel better soon !

Hotchman: Thank you. 

Hercules: would you like a piece of bacon to soak up the alcohol?

Hotchman: Stop. Talking.


	17. Meet Mama Morgan Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spencer is invited to officially meet derek's mother (and the rest of the family) and is incredibly nervous about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> excessive use of pet names in here because i'm having moreid feels also dad hotch is a dad because i have issues whoops !! next chapter is gonna be morgan family feels and their opinions on doctor spencer reid

Prentits: have any of you seen my shoes?

Baby Girl: which shoes??

Prentits: the flat black ones with the little bows on the end

Baby Girl: awww i loved those

Prentits: yeah me too they’re my only work shoes

Baby Boy: you have one pair of work shoes?

Prentits: silence child

Baby Boy: i am literally just asking

Baby Boy: and i know where your shoes are and now i am not telling

Prentits: you really are the annoying little brother i never had or wanted

Baby Boy: hh :(

JJ: emily

Prentits: why can’t i just be gay and mean in peace

Hotchman: Do it on your own time.

Prentits: ur mean and gay everyday and you get paid for it

Hotchman: I’m not gay.

Prentits: sorry

Prentits: **ur mean and bi everyday and you get paid for it

Hotchman: Better. Have any of you started work yet?

Hotchman: Hello?

Hotchman: Does this mean you’re working or that you just refuse to text me back so you don’t have to acknowledge that you haven’t done a thing?

Hotchman: Whatever, I get the same amount of money if you guys work or not.

Jackass: i love you too

Prentits: odd way to start a conversation

JJ: quick em let’s place a bet on who he meant to text

JJ: was it spence, garcia, or his mother?

Jackass: i love more than three people

Prentits: i bet it was garcia, she’s wearing a low-cut dress and i can’t have been the only one to notice how lovely she looks

Baby Girl: if were both single i’d kiss you, emily

Prentits: perhaps in the next life

JJ: okay well i think it was spence because morgan is nothing if not a sap even when they’re in the same building

Prentits: understandable

Prentits: @Hotchman do you care to wager a guess?

Hotchman: No.

Hotchman changed his nickname to “Hotch”.

Prentits: you’re so boring

JJ: alright @Jackass who was it

Jackass: both wrong, it was indeed my mama

Jackass: she wants me to go visit next weekend we have off and to formally introduce spencer to the rest of the morgan’s

Baby Boy: nightmare scenario

Baby Boy: tell her i’m sick

Jackass: you want me to tell her you’re sick a week and a half before we go?

Baby Boy: tell her it’s the plague or something, or that i’m not cleared to fly

Jackass: she’ll insist we drive instead

Baby Boy: ugh

Prentits: why don’t u wanna go

JJ: ^ i thought his mom loved you

Baby Boy: we’ve had exactly two conversations, one in which i invited her to derek’s under the (false) pretense that derek said he was homesick (sorry babe, it was for the prank war) and the second conversation was when she arrived and i told her derek got shot and then dipped before he could kill me

Baby Boy: so… i would guess her opinion isn’t entirely positive if at all

Jackass: she’s complained about not being introduced to you every day for the last three or so months we’ve been together and right after you ditched she said “does he have an issue with me? should i have worn less perfume?” because she thought she might have scared you off

Jackass: but she is a little pissed that the first she heard of you in a romantic context was from my sisters telling her that we’re engaged

Jackass: took me half an hour to explain to her that we weren’t engaged, had only been together for about a month and a half, and that you were not in fact 20 as she originally suspected upon seeing your photo

Baby Boy: i don’t look that young

Baby Boy: what photo did you show her??

Jackass: i’m afraid to say

Baby Boy: Derek

Jackass sent an image.

Jackass: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/347621664987970122/ 

Jackass: this one

Baby Boy: HHH

Baby Boy: that is THEE most stupid i have EVER looked WHYY would you show her that one ??!!

Jackass: u look so cute bb <3 how could she not love that smile?!

Baby Girl: i heard we were talking about how cute boy genius is 

Baby Girl: so i’ve arrived to agree

Jackass: ^^ you’re very cute

Baby Boy: i hate you shut up i don’t want to go and formally meet her or anything else who can disapprove of me

Jackass: too late i already told her we’d leave next friday after work and be there saturday afternoon

Baby Boy: god i can’t believe i love you

Baby Boy: i’m going to go lick a subway pole and get every disease i can think of

Prentits: it’s not that bad, you have to meet his family at some point if you’re planning to get married

JJ: yeah and you’ve already kind of met his mom so that’ll be over with and you’ve texted his sisters before to tell them you were engaged

Baby Boy: i sent two texts to his sisters 

Baby Boy: “hello i’m doctor spencer reid and i work with and am engaged to your brother derek morgan” and then later “thank you”

Baby Boy: why did i do that?? that was such a stupid prank i didn’t think it through at all how dumb can i be

Jackass: you’re very intelligent, pretty boy and you’re also not getting out of meeting her

Jackass: she’s started pulling out cookbooks to figure out what to make over the weekend

Baby Boy: the wEEKEND??

Jackass: we’ll leave from work on friday at 5, drive for 6 hours and spend the night in ohio, and then get there around 11:30 saturday morning and spend the night saturday and sunday and leave early monday morning, probably around 4? get back around 3 monday afternoon

Baby Boy: we have work on monday !!

Hotch: He sent in your vacation requests for Monday off about an hour ago. I can still deny them.

Baby Boy: please do

Hotch: Why?

Baby Girl: he’s nervous !! comfort him derek !!

Jackass: baby if you really don’t want to go i can tell her you’re sick but she’s 55 and the only thing bigger than her heart is her deep dish

Jackass: she’s very excited to meet you, and so are my sisters

Jackass: sarah asked me if she should clean her room just in case because she knows you don’t like messes and desiree said that she knows you don’t like handshakes and was wondering how you feel about fist bumps instead

Jackass: so everyone’s very excited at the idea of meeting you and already love you a lot

Baby Girl: !! IF HE DOESN’T CRY I WILL !!!!

Baby Boy: did they actually?

Jackass sent a photo.

Jackass: cross my heart

Baby Boy: oh

Baby Boy: okay

Prentits: is he crying?

JJ: just a little bit, few tears and some sniffles

Baby Girl: @BabyBoy can i come give you a hug?

Baby Boy: pls

Hotch: So am I approving the vacation day or not? 

Baby Boy: yeah thank you

Jackass: <3

JJ: yay !! 

Prentits: hurray he’s gonna do it

Hotch: Congratulations?

Baby Girl: you’re going to ruin the moment with ur cold exterior

Hotch: I’m still your boss.

Baby Girl: romance > paycheck

Jackass: i’ve made a grave mistake

Prentits: oh? do tell

Jackass: @BabyBoy do your freaking out in here so someone else can help

Baby Boy: i’m not freaking out ! these are reasonable concerns and frankly your unwillingness to help me is startling and a little disheartening

Jackass: i answered the first four questions but we’re at work and i’d like to keep this job

Baby Boy: :(

Baby Girl: i’ll help you sweets! what’s going on with dr. genius today

Baby Boy: his family is going to hate me when they actually meet me and derek is insisting that they won’t but he’s doing that only because he has to !

Prentits: reid it’s still a week and a half away, don’t fret about it yet

Baby Boy: but hhhhh i have to be prepared !! 

Hotch: Prepare by getting your work done early.

Baby Boy: you suck

Baby Boy: okay we’re leaving TOMORROW can i freak out now? is now an appropriate time to start crying??

JJ: no don’t cry, what’s wrong spence?

Baby Boy: i have no clothing! not one shirt!

JJ: okay well that’s simply just not true so try again but calmer

Baby Boy: my clothes are RIDICULOUS

Baby Boy: why hasn’t anyone bullied me into getting nicer clothes? we’ve worked together for YEARS

Baby Boy: @Prentits you should’ve fixed this by now by embarrassing me until i had no other choice

Prentits: do you think i’m a bully?

Baby Boy: yes?

JJ: yeah you’re a bully, i love you but you’re mean

Prentits: good

Prentits: and trust me i’ve tried to convince you to change your clothing but you seem to enjoy dressing like you’re 85

Jackass: hey stop being mean to him! 

Jackass: he dresses exactly how he should and he looks very handsome always

Jackass: baby your clothes are all very cute but you could wear a neon pink sweater and they’d still love you

Baby Boy: somehow i don’t trust that’s true

Prentits: reid you closet is just sweaters and sweater vests just close your eyes and grab some things

Baby Boy: not a single one of you has been even a little bit helpful

JJ: would you like me to get your dad involved?

Baby Boy: yes

JJ: @Hotch

Hotch: 3 plain dress shirts, 2 sweaters, 3 pairs of pants, 2 sets of pajamas

Baby Boy: okay but what if i like spill coffee everywhere and then i don’t have extra

Hotch: That’s what the extra shirt and pants are for. 

Baby Boy: i’m very clumsy i make a lot of messes

Hotch: Okay. Bring 4 plain dress shirts, 3 sweaters, 4 pairs of pants, and 3 sets of pajamas? 

Baby Boy: that’s so many things we’re only going for two days

Jackass: spencer please it does not matter at all what you wear 

Jackass: do you want me to pack your clothes so you can just focus on picking out some books for the drive?

Baby Boy: that is exactly what i want

Jackass: okay grab a box from the closet and have fun

~

Baby Boy: is it too late to say i have the flu

Baby Girl: sweetheart you are going to be just fine

Baby Boy: they’re going to eat me alive

Prentits: they won’t

JJ: derek won’t let them

Jackass: ^^

Jackass: and if you feel uncomfortable at any point you can tell me and i’ll excuse us until you feel better or we can just go for a drive for a while, anything you need

Baby Boy: promise?

Jackass: pinky promise

Jackass: i’ll be home in half an hour, finish up with your books

Baby Boy: oki

Baby Boy changed Jackass’s nickname to “Actually Not That Bad”.

Actually Not That Bad: thank you baby

Baby Boy: :)

~

Baby Boy: alright folks it’s anxiety time

Hotch: You’re supposed to be in the office in two hours. Go to sleep.

Baby Boy: don’t you think i’ve tried that !!?

Hotch: Spencer.

Baby Boy: sorry :/

Hotch: It’s fine. You’re over tired and anxious. You need to rest, just for a little while. Put some headphones on and play an audio book.

Baby Boy: i don’t have headphones

Hotch: What? Why? 

Hotch: Nevermind just take Derek’s. He probably doesn’t have any audiobooks but he should have some slower or quieter music that was programmed in before he bought the MP3 player.

Baby Boy: okay i found his headphones but i’m not willing to mess with his MP3 so i’m just going to look on google

Hotch: Google is a search engine, Spencer. You can’t just look on Google without typing something in.

Baby Boy: oh

Hotch: Try this link.

Hotch attached a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBB0mshE8fE&t=9764s 

Baby Boy: hm, pleasant

Baby Boy: thank you

Hotch: Not a problem. See you in a little bit.

Baby Boy: see u

~

Prentits: ugh who in the world is awake at 4:30 on a Friday? like okay i get reid but hotch??

Hotch: I get up to go for a run before Jack wakes up. 

Prentits: and he gets up at 5?

Hotch: I wake Jack up at 6:55 every weekday so he’s at school by 7:20.

JJ: i wake Henry up at 7:10 which means i wake up at about 7:00, there is no reason for you to be awake that early

Hotch: One hour run, half an hour to get ready for the day, read the paper for another half an hour and then I start breakfast and get Jack up and ready.

Actually Not That Bad: that is insane

Actually Not That Bad: but thank you for helping him, he’s sleeping with a pen in his hand because he was taking notes

Baby Girl: nerd

Actually Not That Bad: yeah <3

Hotch: Not a problem so long as you guys make it in on time. And someone needs to bring coffee, our pot is broken again.

Baby Girl: i’ll stop if you guys send me your orders !! <3

Prentits: lattes for me and j

Hotch: Tall black coffee. Send me a copy of the receipt so I can reimburse you.

Actually Not That Bad: iced americano for me and pretty baby wants a mocha latte

Actually Not That Bad: *boy

Actually Not That Bad: no wait that’s cute i like that

Hotch changed Actually Not That Bad’s nickname to “That Bad”.

That Bad: :(

Baby Boy changed That Bad’s nickname to “DerBear”.

DerBear: you’re so sweet, ready to go?

Baby Boy: couple minutes, i’m brushing my teeth

Baby Girl: coffee is en route

Hotch: You’re an angel.

Baby Girl: i know


	18. Meet Mama Morgan Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they make it to chicago and spencer is having fun and making friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chicago time babeyyy !! also thank you all so much for the wonderful comments they're the only thing motivating me to write!! lemme get some opinions from y'all! should hotch have a s/o? are we getting sick of the moreid or do we like how ridiculously obsessed i am with them? also let me know if you guys have anything you want to see!! thank you so much for your support it means everything to me!! enjoy !!

JJ: spence you look like you’re going to pass out

Baby Boy: i might

Prentits: are you seriously still nervous?

Baby Boy: you ask a lot of stupid questions

DerBear: i apologize for his behavior, he gets sassy when he’s tired

Baby Boy: no i don’t

Hotch: Yes, you do.

JJ: you definitely do

JJ: maybe cranky is a better description

Hotch: Jack outgrew his tantrums at five.

Hotch: How old are you?

Baby Boy: shut up

Baby Girl: don’t talk ur dad like that !

DerBear: everyone settle down i’m getting him coffee just hold tight

Baby Boy: coffee :)

Hotch: Don’t give him coffee before 6 hours of driving. There’s apple juice in the fridge.

Baby Boy: i am not 5

Hotch: Apple juice or water, Spencer.

DerBear: i’ll put it in your star wars mug, okay?

Baby Boy: ughhhhh 

Baby Girl: what about my frog mug instead?

Baby Boy: frog mug?

Baby Girl sent an image.

Baby Girl: https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0436/0045/products/frog_mug_1_1024x1024.jpeg?v=1400633297 

Baby Boy: i would drink cyanide out of that mug

Hotch: You will do no such thing.

DerBear: No.

Baby Boy: it was a hyperboleeee

Baby Boy: yes i would like apple juice in the frog mug please

Baby Girl: on the way with a mug and a sucker

Baby Boy: i love you so much i wish i was straight

DerBear: pardon

Baby Boy: HYPERBOLE

Baby Boy: OVER EXAGGERATION

Baby Boy: FALSE

Hotch: You’re still at work. Do something productive.

Baby Boy: already finished

Hotch: Come get more files.

Baby Boy: :(

Hotch: At least work on a cold case.

Baby Boy: oooh lawson-jefferson case is getting solvedddd

Hotch: Okay, great.

~

Baby Boy: solved 2 cold cases, can i goof off now?

Hotch: Which cases? Evidence? 

Baby Boy: lawson-jefferson case and then the 1965 diamond killer, wrote the reports already and sent them over

Hotch: Take a nap.

Baby Boy: we’re leaving in like three hours, can i please just go bug derek?

Hotch: You exhaust me. 

DerBear: finish listening to war and peace and by the time you’re done we should be about ready to go

Baby Boy: okay !!

Baby Boy: made it to the hotel and it’s only 11:30

Hotch: You should be sleeping, Spencer.

Baby Boy: you’re taking your role as my father very seriously

Hotch: Reid.

Baby Boy: i’m waiting for derek to get out of the shower and then we’re going to bed

Hotch: In separate beds, I’m sure.

Baby Boy: whatever helps you sleep, dad

Hotch: Tell Derek to watch himself. Goodnight.

Baby Boy: goodnight 

Baby Boy: help 

JJ: what’s up spence 

Baby Boy: we’re in illinois and i’m panicking 

JJ: you’re going to be just fine. 

Baby Girl: you don’t need to be nervous!! it’s impossible not to love you, sweets 

Baby Boy: that’s a blatant lie 

Prentits: you’re very likeable once you get past the whole “i’m smarter AND younger than you” thing you have 

Baby Boy: i have a THING???

Baby Boy: WHY DIDNT ANYONE SAY ANYTHING

Baby Boy: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MEET THESE PEOPLE KNOWING THAT I HAVE A THING

JJ: em please refrain from speaking for the next 5 minutes 

JJ: spence you don’t have a thing and even if you did it’s more endearing than anything else. you’re kind and funny and the sweetest person i know and i’m positive they’re all going to love you 

Baby Boy: okay but if they don’t?

JJ: not possible 

Baby Boy: J

JJ: spencer reid, you’re going to be completely fine 

JJ: text us when you get there 

Baby Boy: hhhh okay love you 

JJ: love you too 

~

DerBear: made it to chicago, he’s too scared to get out of the car 

DerBear: @Hotch

Hotch: Spencer.

Baby Boy: i can’t do it 

Hotch: You can. They’re just people.

Baby Boy: important people!!

Baby Boy: important people that have important opinions and important says in my relationship with derek 

Hotch: They have no say in your relationship in the same way I have no say. Derek has you and he’s not letting go.

DerBear: not ever 

Hotch: So it does not matter what these people think of you or your clothing or your intelligence. You’re always going to have at least one Morgan that loves you.

DerBear: amen

Baby Boy: fucking hell

Baby Boy: okay we’re going 

SARAH_M: IS HE HERE?

DES_MORGAN: DEREK IS HE HERE?

MamaM: Settle, girls. Derek, is that you two in our driveway?

D_MORGAN: yes, that’s us please just give us a couple minutes and don’t jump on him when we get in

SARAH_M: NO PROMISES

MamaM: They will behave. Take your time.

DES_MORGAN: we just want to know if he’s cute

MamaM: Knock it out.

DES_MORGAN: i know i know

D_MORGAN: okay we’re coming in

DES_MORGAN: wait how do i greet him?? you never said yes or no to fist bumps

D_MORGAN: just wave

~

D_MORGAN added Spencer Reid to the chat.

D_Morgan changed Spencer Reid’s nickname to “Spencer”.

Spencer: hi?

SARAH_M: HELLO

Spencer: hi Sarah

DES_MORGAN: okay so now you click the three dots on the bottom right of the square and some games with show up and you click the one you want to play

Spencer: okay

Spencer started a game of “POKER”.

DES_MORGAN: so now you can teach me how to play before i turn 18 and derek steals all of my money

Spencer: i wouldn’t worry about that too much, he’s awful at poker

D_MORGAN: i am not!

Spencer: you suck at poker

MamaM: Spencer, I advise you never to join your bank account with his.

D_MORGAN: MAMA

SARAH_M: she’s got a point, we’ve beat you at monopoly every single time

Spencer: oh yeah you’re awful at monopoly

Spencer: you know that the goal is to actually win, right? not just sit in jail the whole time

D_MORGAN: at least i can catch a football

Spencer: congratulations on your one skill :P

DES_MORGAN: oh good he’s got attitude too, he’s perfect

SARAH_M: spencer you can do a million times better than him

D_MORGAN: MAMAAA THEY’RE BULLYING ME

MamaM: They’re right. He has several PhDs and you have a letterman jacket.

D_MORGAN: we should’ve stayed in virginia

Spencer: :) 

Prentits: how is it going?

JJ: we’ve all been waiting to see if you’re still alive.

DerBear: he’s being mean to me

Prentits: okay? and ..?

DerBear: and everyone loves him a lot

DerBear: my cousins won’t be over until dinner time but so far he’s 3 for 3

Baby Boy: sarah is teaching me how to make friendship bracelets :)

DerBear: r u making one for me?

Baby Boy: yes of course but she’s having to help me quite a bit because they keep getting tangled up 

Baby Boy: is it lame if i make some for your mom to thank her for inviting me? like is that super weird?

DerBear: baby she would cry if you did that 

Baby Boy: oh okay i will definitely not do that then 

JJ: he means tears of joy, spence 

DerBear: ^^

Baby Boy: oh !! okay :) does she like purple or red more?

DerBear: purple probably but you can ask her yourself sweetheart 

Baby Boy: mmm scary 

DerBear: give it a try baby 

Baby Boy: hhhh :( fine 

Spencer: mrs. morgan do you like purple more or red?

MamaM: Purple, dear, why?

SARAH_M: we’re making bracelets

DES_MORGAN: sarah is making bracelets while spence and i watch and tie knots in strings 

Baby Boy: did she just call me spence?????

JJ: who?? his mom?

DerBear: desiree, and yes baby she did 

Baby Girl: awww!!

JJ: i guess i’m willing to share the nickname but i’m not happy about it 

D_MORGAN: d, jj has claim to the nickname use something else 

DES_MORGAN: what about doc?

D_MORGAN: yeah that’ll work 

DES_MORGAN: k, sarah is making bracelets while doc and i make knots 

Baby Boy: fUCK 

Hotch: What’s happening?

Baby Boy: she made a new nickname for me 

JJ: good, i was lying about being willing to share. what’s the new name?

Baby Boy: doc

Baby Boy: and his mom has called me dear and sweetheart and honey and they’re all so openly affectionate i don’t know how to reciprocate 

Prentits: you’re doing great i’m sure, just keep making bracelets 

Baby Boy: okay okay 

DerBear: he’s so cute i am so in love with this man

SARAH_M: well i want to give him a nickname too! 

SARAH_M: what kind of things do you like?

D_MORGAN: books and star wars are his only two interests 

Spencer: not star wars, star trek

SARAH_M: u like star trek?

Spencer:... yes?

MamaM: Sarah is going through a bit of a science fiction phase at the moment.

Spencer: it’s the ideal genre

D_MORGAN: nerd

Spencer: shut up 

SARAH_M: do you like ray bradbury

D_MORGAN: how much time do you have kid

Spencer: derek stop talking this is too advanced for you 

Spencer: yes i love ray bradbury quite a bit 

SARAH_M: i just read the illustrated man and i want to read fahrenheit 451, have you read that?

D_MORGAN: stupid question

Spencer: derek i’ll throw away all of your protein powder if you interrupt me again

Spencer: yes i’ve read it several times

SARAH_M: so it’s really good then? i started it at the library in town but i don’t have a card so i haven’t been able to finish it quite yet

Spencer: hold on

DES_MORGAN: where is he going?

D_MORGAN: unclear but he’ll be back

DES_MORGAN: did he just grab that book from your car?

D_MORGAN: sure did, isn’t he precious?

SARAH_M: wow i assumed when derek called you a walking library it was because of how much you know rather than the fact that you actually act like a library in carrying books with you everywhere 

SARAH_M: would it be okay if i borrowed this for a little while? i can mail it right back as soon as i’m finished

Spencer: you can keep it if you’d like

Spencer: it’s advised to own the book when you’re finishing it, you’ll see why but it’s really cool

SARAH_M: keep it? you’re giving me your book?

Spencer: yeah? i’ve read it before and i think you’d really like it

SARAH_M: wow thank you so much

DerBear: baby did you just give her a book you’ve had since you were 11??

JJ: what???

Prentits: he gave someone a book?

Baby Boy: she should have it

Baby Boy: the experience isn’t the same if you don’t own a copy and i have another one at home that’s newer but doesn’t have all the original lines so she should have this one

Baby Boy: also it’s ridiculous that she doesn’t have a library card

Baby Boy: do you think we could go to the library sometime and get her one?

DerBear: don’t be making get all emotional right now

Baby Boy: what? are you okay?

DerBear: i love you so much

Baby Boy: i love you too

Baby Boy: what’s wrong?

Hotch: Spencer, he’s happy because you’re getting along well with his family and going as far as to give away something you’ve had since childhood to his sister.

Baby Boy: it’s just a book? she hasn’t read it and she should so i’m giving it to her?? is that a big deal? should i not have done that? or i should’ve bought her her own copy instead? i can still do that derek should we go to the store?

DerBear: i will get down on one knee right here and now if you don’t stop

Baby Boy: i don’t understand what i did

DerBear: you’re just very naturally sweet, baby, and you did a very sweet thing for my sister

Baby Boy: oh

Baby Boy: okay

Baby Boy: so it was good, then?

DerBear: very good, sweetheart, very good

Baby Boy: yay :) also you’ve called me sweetheart 5 times since we got here, ya know? you’ve called me sweetheart more in the last three hours than you have in the previous  
three weeks

DerBear: that’s what my mama always call us

Baby Boy: i know, it’s sweet

Baby Boy: i call you honey the most because that’s what my mom always called my father and that’s what i think of when i think about affectionate names the same way you think of sweetheart or cutie because that’s what your parents called each other and you guys

DerBear: you’re so cute even when you’re being a dork

Baby Boy: you’re cute even when you’re blatantly bullying me

Baby Girl: almost too much cuteness happening right now, it’s still 3 you guys there’s so many hours left of the day to be in love

Hotch: Keep it to yourselves or at least in a private message.

Prentits: he’s just jealous because he’s aloneeee

JJ: em don’t be a dick

Prentits: sorry hotch i’ve had wine

Hotch: At 3 in the afternoon?

JJ: we wanted to have a fancy lunch but she really liked the wine and it got away from me, sorry

Hotch: Whatever, not my responsibility.

Hotch: But next time she insults me she’s getting suspended.

JJ: message received.

Baby Girl: aren’t you a bit lonely sometimes though? when jack is away?

Hotch: I do my work when Jack is away.

Baby Girl: that’s so sad

Baby Girl: you need a s/o

Hotch: S/O?

Baby Girl: significant other!! can i set you up with someone?

Hotch: You may not.

Baby Girl: okay so there’s a guy that’s friends with my ex-girlfriend elizabeth and he’s an athlete like you are and he has really great abs and i believe he’s a personal trainer

Hotch: The answer is still no.

DerBear: he sounds great, hotch, you should give him a try

Hotch: No.

Baby Girl: okay how about my ex-girlfriend elizabeth? she’s single and she has very nice long reddish hair and she’s tech support at the mall but had a job at a big social media company for quite a few years and also she’s a very good kisser

Hotch: I do not want to date your ex-girlfriend, Penelope.

DerBear: what’s ur percentage?

Hotch: My percentage?

DerBear: of girls vs boys? how much do you prefer each?

Hotch: That is highly inappropriate and I am not looking to enter a relationship. 

Baby Boy: but then i could have two moms and that’d be so cool

Baby Girl: if you tell me your percentage i won’t ask elizabeth to meet up with you tomorrow night

Hotch: You’re all insufferable.

Hotch: 50-50.

Baby Girl: ugh Not Helpful

Baby Girl: kara is a chef at the diner just down the street from the laundry mat we almost died in

Hotch: No.

Baby Girl: noah is a swimmer with two daughters

Hotch: Absolutely not.

Baby Girl: clarisse is a chemist at a university?

Hotch: Stop.

Baby Girl: oh!! william is perfect!! he’s a triathlete recreationally and a photographer full-time, he has no kids or ex-spouses just had one serious boyfriend like 5 years ago and he’s suuuuper hot

DerBear: if hotch isn’t interested give him my number

Prentits: mine too

Baby Boy: can’t believe jj and i both just got dumped for the same guy

Baby Boy: and while i’m making a friendship bracelet with derek’s sisters no less

JJ: it’s okay spence we both know you can do so much better

DerBear: why does everyone keep saying that???

Baby Girl: because he can

DerBear: baby reassure me that you love me

Baby Boy: i love you very much honey you are the love of my life and my soulmate and i sat in a car for over 11 hours to meet your family even though i was sick to my stomach the entire time

DerBear: oh yeah :) okay all good

Prentits: gross

JJ: disgusting. 

Baby Girl: okay so i gave him hotch’s number along with a basic description of him and he seems very interested

Hotch: GARCIA!

Baby Girl: well you weren’t going to make the first move, were you? so i did what i had to and you can expect a call in the next 24 hours

Hotch: You are a menace and a hazard.

Baby Girl changed her nickname to Menace.

Menace: and proud

DES_MORGAN: mama what’s for dinner

MamaM: If you’d get off your butt and help me cook you’d know.

DES_MORGAN: mamaaaa

D_MORGAN: it’s turkey and rice

SARAH_M: i’m a vegetarian

D_MORGAN: well then you’re going to have to eat a lot of rice, aren’t you?

SARAH_M: MAMAAAAAA

MamaM: I wish I’d adopted.

D_MORGAN: MA

MamaM: Sarah, I made lots of rice and corn and vegetables for you as well.

SARAH_M: thank u mama

MamaM: Mmhm. Sweetheart, do you like green beans?

MamaM: Sweetheart?

MamaM: Spencer?

Spencer: yes mrs.morgan?

MamaM: Do you like green beans?

Spencer: oh. yeah, why?

MamaM: Would you help me prepare them? Derek always oversalts everything and ruins them.

Spencer: i’d love to help

D_MORGAN: suck up

DES_MORGAN: you’re just jealous that she loves him more than she loves you

SARAH_M: haha loser

D_MORGAN: i’ll throw you in the garbage can again

MamaM: You will do no such thing.

D_MORGAN: mama it was a joke

MamaM: I’m sure it was. Set the table before your cousins get here.

SARAH_M: HA

MamaM: You can do silverware, Sarah.

DES_MORGAN: HA

MamaM: Desiree, put ice in all the cups.

DES_MORGAN: damn

MamaM: Language, Desiree.

DES_MORGAN: i’m almost 18, mama

MamaM: And you’ll be upset to hear that you can’t swear at 18, either. Ice.

DerBear: she trusted you with the green beans, baby, that’s a big deal

Baby Boy: they’re just green beans, der, i doubt their a family heirloom

Hotch: Mama Morgan’s green beans are indeed sacred, Spencer. She sent a plate home with Derek the Thanksgiving after the divorce and they were heavenly. I was scrutinized for asking for the recipe.

Baby Boy: over gREEN BEANS???

DerBear: she’s very serious about the green beans

Baby Boy: well now i am nervous

DerBear: don’t be, just come wait in the living room for everyone else to arrive

Baby Boy: how many more people are coming?

DerBear: don’t panic

Baby Boy: well now i’m panicking 

DerBear: sweetheart it’s only four more people coming

Baby Boy: that is so many, your family is so big

DerBear: spencer i have 11 cousins

Baby Boy: you what??

Baby Boy: 11???

DerBear: yeah, 11

DerBear: but only four in chicago and they’re all my aunt’s children

Baby Boy: how old are they and why isn’t your aunt coming?

DerBear: she’s a nurse so she’s working tonight

DerBear: lucy and carter are both 4, joseph is 11, and emilia is 16

Baby Boy: four is so young

DerBear: four is not that bad

DerBear: they just like to color and grab things they can’t have

Baby Boy: that’s the worst thing ever

DerBear: her youngest is 2 but she’s staying home with her father so she doesn’t have a tantrum

Baby Boy: that’s a lie, your mouth twitched and you’re lying to me

Baby Boy: is she staying home because of me?

DerBear: baby don’t do that you’re going to get all in your head

Baby Boy: did i do something? does your uncle not like me? i could go wait in the car or at a hotel or something so he can come enjoy the family dinner and then just after he leaves you could let me know and then i could come back after

DerBear: you are so ridiculous

DerBear: she’s staying home because i know you’re uncomfortable around young children and i didn’t want you to be more uneasy than you already are

Baby Boy: well now i feel like an asshole

Hotch: Language.

DerBear: don’t, baby, she won’t even realize she’s not here and i’m sure elijah is thankful for a day without the twins

Baby Boy: he should be with his family, you should get to see him you haven’t been here in like 6 months

DerBear: he’ll be fine

Baby Boy: derek

DerBear: i’m not letting you leave, you’re here for dinner

DerBear: if you’re positive you want him here than i’m sure mama wouldn’t mind the extra guests but you’re staying too

Baby Boy: i feel bad

DerBear: mama said she can invite him over right now, they haven’t even left yet he’d just have to get sophia ready

Baby Boy: my stomach hurts

DerBear: alright come here baby, come sit on the couch let’s talk

~

Prentits: so did the uncle end up going?

DerBear: yes all six additional family members made it

JJ: is he doing okay?

DerBear: sophie, lucy, and carter have all taken quite a liking to him because he can answer all of their “why?” questions and because he’s letting sophia play with his tangle toy and stick it in her mouth and she’s two so it’s more than enough to keep her busy

JJ: he let her touch one of his fidget toys? AND stick it in her mouth?

DerBear: i was shocked too but he handed it to her and she smiled and now he hasn’t stopped looking at her

Baby Girl: aww someone give my baby a baby

DerBear: give me some time, woman, hotch hasn’t even giving me his blessing for proposing yet

Hotch: Correct answer.

DerBear: nice

Hotch: Is he doing well with the others, too?

DerBear: joseph doesn’t seem to have much of an opinion but also they haven’t had a conversation and emilia is patiently awaiting her turn to bombard him with questions, it  
seems

DerBear: elijah said he hasn’t seen sophia this happy in a while :)

JJ: that’s so sweet, we’re all glad it’s going well.

Hotch: Very glad. You should spend some time with your family now.

DerBear: i can talk and text at the same time

DerBear: elijah and mama are yelling at me about not introducing them sooner and i have no defense other than “my bad”

Prentits: has your mom asked when you’re going to propose?

DerBear: twice

DerBear: and so did emilia

Hotch: And you responded with…

DerBear: i told them all that i’m waiting

Hotch: Not good enough.

DerBear: i’m not going to propose without ur blessing so you can chill

Hotch: Do not tell me to chill.

DerBear: go on a date with william, get laid, and then come back

Hotch has removed DerBear from the chat.

Hotch: Spencer, no whining because you can clearly see that he deserved that.

Prentits: he’s busy with his surrogate children

JJ: i’m glad he’s doing so well and having so much fun

Baby Girl: baby genius is growing up

Prentits: it’s like you blink and he’s suddenly a functional adult

Baby Boy: sajgh hjjjadhjewu 

Prentis: nevermind

Baby Boy: that was sophia sorry

Baby Boy: i’ve been a function adult the entire time you’ve known me

Hotch: You’ve been an adult the entire time we’ve known you.

Baby Boy: you’re just jealous because ur lonely

Hotch: I can and will ground you.

Baby Boy: you can do nothing of the sorts

Hotch: It would take me no more than two minutes to permanently switch all of the coffee in the office to decaf and to convince Garcia to disable your texting abilities.

Baby Boy: but then how would we talk about cases?

Hotch: @BabyGirl How quickly can you make it so Spencer could only contact me directly?

Baby Girl: no more than 5 minutes

Baby Boy: :( 

Baby Boy: i miss derek he wouldn’t stand for this

Hotch: Apologize and I’ll add him.

Baby Boy: sorry please bring him back it won’t let me add him back :((

Hotch: Apologize for real.

Baby Boy: ughhhhhhhhhhh

Hotch: Spencer.

Baby Boy: sorry i said you were lonely, please give him back

Hotch: You’re truly terrible at apologizing.

Baby Boy: it’s bc i don’t really mean it

Baby Girl added Derek Morgan to the chat.

Baby Girl: sorry sir he said he’d send me a picture of spencer having his hair braided by toddlers and i couldn’t pass that up

Derek Morgan changed his nickname to “Better than Hotch”.

Hotch removed “Better than Hotch”.

Hotch: spencer ur both grounded starting tuesday there will be no caffeine for you and 10 additional files for derek

Baby Boy: that is not my fault!! he’s a child !!

Hotch: Teach him manners.

Baby Boy: hhhh

Prentits added Derek Morgan to the chat.

Baby Boy: DEREK BEHAVE

Derek Morgan changed his nickname to “Well-Behaved”.

Baby Boy changed Well-Behaved’s nickname to “Der”.

Der: yeah well-behaved was a longshot

Der: i accept the files i was playing with fire

Baby Boy: hotch why can’t i have files too? i like them and i’m good at them

Hotch: Because for some reason additional paperwork is a treat for you. Decaf for the week.

Baby Boy: derek fix it

Hotch: Derek will keep his head down or I’ll make 20 files and two weeks.

Der: head is down

Baby Boy: just realized if you married garcia’s suggestion i’d have two fathers named william lmao

Baby Boy: please don’t marry him and then get divorced it’d give me too much ammo for my jokes about absent father figures

Hotch: Christ. Go get your hair done, Spencer.

Baby Boy: i’m making dessert with mrs.morgan

Der: that’s where you are?? i’ve been looking for you upstairs for 10 minutes

Baby Boy: coffee cake in the oven now

Baby Boy: want to play tag with sophia, lucy, carter, and me?

Der: Hotch can I have ur blessing yet?

Hotch: No.

Der: please i want to marry this man so bad

Hotch: No.

Der: u suck

Der: i’m coming babe


	19. Spencer Having Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more fun in chicago, spencer is having the time of his life making fun of his boyfriend

DES_MORGAN: where are they going?

D_MORGAN: i don’t know but he’s leading an army of children so it seems

MamaM: Don’t bother them, they’re playing.

DES_MORGAN: he stole all of my favorite cousins

MamaM: He’s having fun, leave him alone.

SARAH_M: why hasn’t anyone worried about where i am?

D_MORGAN: because you’re a dweeb

MamaM: Derek Markos Morgan

Spencer: markos?

MamaM: It was my grandfather’s middle name. It’s Greek.

Spencer: it means war-like, very fitting, i like it

D_MORGAN: babe what’s your middle name??

Spencer: :/ i don’t want to say

SARAH_M: well now you have to say

SARAH_M: mine is isabelle, now you share

Spencer: if you promise not to make fun of me, especially YOU DEREK

MamaM: My children are much better behaved than that.

Spencer: i can assure you that they are not

D_MORGAN: now tell us

Spencer: … percival… 

SARAH_M: that’s cool!! 

DES_MORGAN: yeah that actually is cool, much cooler than markos haha

D_MORGAN: yeah okay helene

DES_MORGAN: SHUT UP IDIOT

SARAH_M: hah helene

DES_MORGAN: I WILL KILL YOU AND GET AWAY WITH IT

MamaM: DESIREE HELENE MORGAN

D_MORGAN: oooooh she’s in troubleeee

MamaM: Spencer is my favorite child now.

MamaM changed Spencer’s nickname to “SP_MORGAN”.

Baby Boy: is she doing this on purpose?

Der: likely

Der: is that okay? if ur uncomfortable with it i can change it she wouldn’t mind at all

Baby Boy: please leave it, i love it

Der: <3

Der: okay

SP_MORGAN: thank you, you’re my favorite morgan

D_MORGAN: umm??

SP_MORGAN: said what i said

SARAH_M: HA

DES_MORGAN: am i top four?

SP_MORGAN: you’re top 3

DES_MORGAN: i like you better than derek, doc

SP_MORGAN: not hard to beat :)

D_MORGAN: stop this, this is outrageous

SP_MORGAN: hehe love you

SARAH_M: ew keep it in the private chat

DES_MORGAN: you’re just sad because you’re single

MamaM: Desiree.

DES_MORGAN: well i’m right!!

D_MORGAN: what about that one kid? what was his name?

SARAH_M: shut up !!

DES_MORGAN: brian

SARAH_M: NOOOO NOT BRIAN NEVER BRIAN

SP_MORGAN: we’re over brian, don’t you guys ever pay attention? she likes KC now obviously

D_MORGAN: and why do you know that before me??

MamaM: And before me?

SARAH_M: i trust him more than i trust any of you and i’ve known him for a matter of hours

SARAH_M: says a lot about you guys

SARAH_M: but yes i like KC now, she’s cooler than brian could’ve ever dreamed of

DES_MORGAN: KC is the girl you’re in the club with, right?

SARAH_M: yeah she’s the one that convinced me to join the GSA

MamaM: You should invite her over for dinner next week, Sarah.

SARAH_M: no

D_MORGAN: invite her over !!

SARAH_M: it took you months to invite hemingway over there

D_MORGAN: hemingway?

SARAH_M: yeah it’s the nickname i decided on cause like… books and stuff

SARAH_M: but my point stands about the fact that it took months for you to drive 11 and a half hours

D_MORGAN: to no fault of my own!

SP_MORGAN: :(

MamaM: Don’t blame him, Derek. If you hadn’t made us sound so scary I’m sure we would’ve met him months ago.

D_MORGAN: how is this my fault ??

SARAH_M: it usually is

DES_MORGAN: agreed

MamaM: As the woman who raised you, it usually is your fault, yes.

D_MORGAN: liars all of you

SP_MORGAN: hey :(

D_MORGAN: not you, never you baby

SP_MORGAN: :)

MamaM: Alright children, it’s time to go to bed. 

D_MORGAN: night idiots, night mama <3

SP_MORGAN: wait where do i sleep

D_MORGAN: oh don’t make this a thing

SP_MORGAN: what

D_MORGAN: it’s my childhood bedroom

SP_MORGAN: :)

D_MORGAN: sigh

Baby Boy: first person to guess three posters in derek’s childhood bedroom gets sent a picture of derek in high school

Hotch: Barkley, Micheal Jordan, and a topless woman.

Baby Boy: shockingly fast

Baby Boy: sent it to you, enjoy the hair

Baby Girl: childhood bedroom? say more right now

Baby Boy: in a word, hetero

Der: never use that word to describe me or anything of mine ever again

Prentiss: it’s okay we were all closeted at some point, some of us more visably than others

Prentiss: the bleached tips are certainly something, morgan

Der: HOTCHNER

Hotch: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

JJ: tell us more about the room spence

Baby Boy: light blue walls, basketball trophies, signed baseballs, and a very shockingly large amount of dirty magazines

Baby Boy: very very hetero

Der: okay i’m bisexual so excuse me having an attraction to women

Baby Boy: it’s not the attraction to women i’m making fun of

Baby Boy: it’s the 27 magazines, 14 of them unopened and the poster is from the oldest edition which means that you just bought the magazine, grabbed a poster, and then hung it up and called it good

Der: yeah alright i have like a 85-15 preference for men

Der: i’m sure hotch had a straight phase can we make fun of him now?

Hotch: My straight phase was my marriage.

Baby Girl: you get funnier every single day

Hotch: Thank you.

JJ: so was mine but at least mine was only like 4 years.

Prentits: i didn’t have a straight phase, gold star gay !!

Baby Girl: i’m 50-50 women and men or what i like to call gold star bi

Baby Boy: 100-0 preference men :)

JJ: fancy way of saying you’re gay spence

Baby Boy: everyone else had fancy stories i wanted to be fun too but i was just nothing and then suddenly i was gay

Prentits: elaborate??

Baby Boy: i was like…not attracted to anyone at all and then i met derek and i was like “oh damn” and that was it

Hotch: Language.

Baby Boy: you are so incredibly MCU captain america it’s amazing

Hotch: Jack says I’m Batman.

Baby Boy: ew you let jack consume DC media? calling cps at this exact second

Prentits: wonder woman

Baby Boy: not my type

JJ: grant gustin?

Baby Boy: somehow further away from being my type

Der: that’s because he’s my type

Der: jason momoa?

Baby Boy: is that aquaman?

Der: yeah

Baby Boy: yeahhhhh okay

JJ: you’re such a twink

Baby Boy: i’m not a twink but jason momoa could kill me and i’d thank him

Prentits: no cause i’m a lesbian but me too

Baby Girl: oh yeahhh 

Prentits: hotch what’s ur type in terms of superhero actors

Der: $20 says it’s michelle pfeiffer as catwoman

Baby Boy: my bet’s on margot robbie as harley quinn

Baby Girl: you guys are so far off it is obviously chris hemsworth or paul rudd

Prentits: gwenyth paltrow

JJ: that’s just your preference em

JJ: natalie portman

Hotch: None of the above. I watch the movies with Jack so I’m not thinking about being in a relationship with any of the actors.

Der: that’s simply not true you just don’t want me to win

Hotch: Yeah alright. Fine, I liked Catwoman. But only the Michelle Pfeiffer version and I have purposely not watched it with Jack.

Der: yeahhh i can read you like a book

Hotch: Thank you for your input Justin Timberlake circa 1998.

Prentiss: the specificity of the insults are so powerful

Hotch: Thank you for appreciating the time it takes for me to insult people. I have to look things up to be this accurate and the time out of my day deserves to be acknowledged.

Der: okay are we done mocking each other for the night? because someone seems about 45 seconds away from a nice long night of sleep

Baby Boy: i am not! i am awake!

Der: finish putting your pajamas on baby and then i’ll make hot chocolate and we can watch some tv on my laptop

Baby Boy: oki :) night night guys!! 

Hotch: Goodnight Spencer.

JJ: night spence, em says goodnight too

Baby Girl: nighty night babies

Baby Boy: accidentally ran into derek’s mother when i was getting a cup of water and then she sat me down at the kitchen table and we had a conversation and now i don’t think i can sleep

Baby Girl: what was it about !!?

Baby Boy: i won’t get specific but it was both threatening and heartwarming

Baby Girl: aww was it about derek?

Baby Boy: i think so ?? there was a very long extended metaphor about penguins that i don’t think i super understood because it’s 4:11 in the morning but the gist is that if i mess this up i’m going to be killed and not found 

Baby Girl: scary 

Baby Boy: yes quite a bit scary 

Baby Girl: well good luck lmao

Baby Boy: garcia !!

~

Hotch: That reminds me of a conversation I think it’s about time for me to have with Derek. 

Der: no thank you 

Hotch: Funny that you think it’s a choice.

Der: i think i’m more than healthily scared of you 

Hotch: Good.

Der: why can’t you just like give me ur approval without all the fancy stuff?

Hotch: Fancy stuff like rational discussion?

Der: yeah

Hotch: Let’s talk on Tuesday.

Der: oh but that’s so soon

Hotch: Well if you’re not planning to propose for a while then we can put it off.

Der: yeah no alright tuesday is fine

Der: he looks so cute he’s got all the blankets wrapped around him

JJ: so it’s been going well?

Der: very well, everyone loves him and he’s having fun and he slept through almost the entire night

Der: and now i’m going to make breakfast and then wake him up <3

Prentits: keep us updated with all the best gossip?

Der: do you even have to ask?

Baby Boy: desiree has pulled out a picture album

Der: LET ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM YOU MINX

Baby Boy: 8th grade field trip to washington d.c. was not good for you der

Der: i was like 12 okay the cargo shorts were in !

Baby Girl: but in camo? with a bright orange tshirt?

Der: STOP SENDING THEM PHOTOS OF ME

Baby Boy: i only send them to hotch but where they go from there is up to him

Der: HOTCHNER

Hotch: Good morning children. How are you this Sunday morning?

Der: CUT THE BULLSHIT

Der: I HAVE PICTURES OF YOU TOO THAT I AM NOT AFRAID TO SEND

Hotch: What could you possibly have pictures of?

Der: haley sent me several pictures in case i ever needed ammo

Hotch: Oh. Alright. Well, I can’t undo what’s been done. 

JJ: send the pictures of hotch or i’m getting garcia to find them for us

Der: sorry hotch

Hotch: NO.

Der sent three images.

Der: https://pin.it/72hWmNq 

Der: https://pin.it/2m8iGVA 

Der: https://pin.it/2KOw7Gv 

Baby Boy: R U SMOKING???

Hotch: No.

JJ: hotch we can see the pictures

Hotch: I would never do that. That’s grossly irresponsible and unhealthy.

Der: dude just admit that you were smoking

Hotch: You’re on thin ice, Derek. 

Hotch: I was young and I made one mistake and I have not done it again since.

Baby Boy: not a very good influence

Hotch: If I ever see you so much as hold a cigarette you’re permanently suspended and also I will fire Derek.

Der: ?? dude ??

Hotch: It would almost certainly be your fault and also Spencer is invaluable and you’re a bodyguard.

Der: you are so mean

Hotch: I’m strict.

Baby Boy: okay i promise not to ever even think about holding a cigarette

Baby Boy: cocaine is still on the table though, right?

Hotch: Spencer Reid.

Baby Boy: i got it i got it

JJ: Is everything still going well?

Der: we’re going to the library with sarah now to get a library card

Baby Boy: :) 

Baby Girl: precious babe

Der: i’ve never been here before and it’s one mile away from my house

Hotch: Is it because you can’t read?

Der: you’re a bitch

Hotch: Excuse me?

Der: you are so mean to me for absolutely no reason at all

Hotch: You’re not good enough for my son.

Der: your son is a fully grown adult

Baby Boy: derek i’m lost please come find me

Der: your son is an adult

Der: i’m coming sweetheart just stay put

JJ: they’re sweet

Hotch: They are dangerous.

Prentits: danger can be romantic

Prentits: jj and i had our first kiss after a bullet missed her head by like a fraction of an inch

Hotch: What?

Hotch: What??

Hotch: Hello??

MamaM: Are you almost back? The casserole is nearly finished.

SP_MORGAN: turning down the street mrs.morgan

MamaM: Fran.

SP_MORGAN: mrs. fran

MamaM: Not what I meant, sweetheart.

DES_MORGAN: he’s a little confused but he’s got the spirit

D_MORGAN: leave my baby alone

SARAH_M: i got a library card, mama!

MamaM: How are you planning to pay for that when you inevitably don’t turn your books in on time?

SP_MORGAN: i hope it’s alright but i paid for it with my card so if the books are ever late i can take care of the fees

MamaM: You really didn’t have to do that, sweetheart, but I appreciate it.

SP_MORGAN: okay :)

Hemingway: what did KC say?

Woolf: she wants to meet at 1:30

Hemingway: are you going?

Woolf: mama would never let me

Hemingway: what if i were to cover for you? perks of being an fbi agent is the ability to create an airtight alibi

Woolf: you’d do that?

Hemingway: obviously, KC seems cool

Woolf: you are the best future brother-in-law

Hemingway: thank you

~

Woolf: okay i need to leave now if i’m going to make it there on time

Hemingway: got it, go ahead

Woolf: you’re amazing

Baby Boy: … sarah said i’m the best future brother-in-law so i think maybe i’ll cry

Der: have you been texting sarah??

Baby Boy: no comment mister fresh

Der: SHUT UP

Baby Girl: mister fresh?

Baby Boy: a story about our beloved bodyguard from elementary school days

Der: i WILL break up with you if you don’t SHUT UP NOW

Baby Boy: oh boy not willing to risk it

Hotch: Mister Fresh is burned into my brain

Der: SPENCER PERCIVAL REID

Baby Boy: IN MY DEFENSE I SAID IT BEFORE YOU THREATENED ME

Der: the thin ice you’re on is thawing out

Baby Boy: your mom asked me where we’re having our wedding

Der: the ice thickens

Der: where did you say?

Baby Boy: said it was up to you, i’d marry you in a dumpster fire if i had to

Der: @Hotch how about monday evening instead of tuesday?

Hotch: If you’ve sat down and had your conversation by then then you may come over for dinner on Monday.

Der: babyyyyy

Baby Boy: yes derrrrrrrrr?

Der: do you want to sit down and discuss marriage today?

Baby Boy: what?

Der: so i can officially discuss marriage with hotch

Baby Boy: oh yeah that’s fine :) 

Baby Boy: um if your mom asks will you tell her that sarah is doing homework?

Der: ?? where is sarah actually?

Baby Boy: i don’t think i’m meant to say

Der: is she with kc?

Baby Boy: yeahhhhh

Baby Boy: she’ll be back before dinner

Der: have you been scheming with her? do you have a private chat?

Baby Boy: yeah huh :) and i gave her a nickname too!! after virginia woolf cause she nicknamed me after ernest hemingway !!

Der: maybe we should leave tonight so i can talk to hotch tomorrow morning instead

Hotch: Stop making rash decisions.

JJ: let them get married !!

Prentits: justice for my baby bro who just wants a ring on his finger

Hotch: He’ll get one if Derek can act like an adult for one full conversation.

Der: ah damn

Baby Boy: i am never getting married, am i?

Der: i’ll do my best but i don’t see it going well

Baby Boy: please take it easy on him sir

Hotch: No. 

Baby Boy: :(

Hotch: Go bond with his family and stop lying about Sarah’s location.

Baby Boy: she’s on a date!! and i’m not lying i’m just withholding information

Hotch: Spencer.

Baby Boy: hotchner

Hotch: SIGH.

MamaM: Sweetheart, are you allergic to anything?

MamaM: Sweetheart?

D_MORGAN: spencer you’re sweetheart if you haven’t noticed

SP_MORGAN: i AM??

MamaM: Oh, yes. I thought that was perfectly clear.

SP_MORGAN: it probably was i’m just clueless

SP_MORGAN: um just carrots and strawberries and also seafood but i don’t suspect that’s going to impact dessert?

MamaM: It will not. Thank you sweetheart.

SP_MORGAN: do you need any help mrs.morgan?

MamaM: Fran. 

SP_MORGAN: mrs.fran

D_MORGAN: baby no

SP_MORGAN: ??

MamaM: Please just call me Fran, no need for Mrs.

SP_MORGAN: oh

SP_MORGAN: are you sure?

MamaM: Positive.

SP_MORGAN: okay. fran.

SP_MORGAN: do you need any help fran?

MamaM: Would you like to put the whipped cream on?

D_MORGAN: no he’ll eat all of it

SP_MORGAN: he’s probably right, i really like whipped cream

MamaM: I keep an extra can purposely for eating alone, sweetheart. Come on.

SP_MORGAN: hehe :)


	20. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spencer is sad to leave chicago but happy to be with derek :) engagement discussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so long because i wanted it to be perfect and i'm still not totally pleased but i think if i put it out there i'll like it better?? let me know what you think! thanks for reading!!

A_Hotchner: 5:30 at my house. If you’re late I’ll lock the door and I will not open it.

D_Morgan: Okay.

A_Hotchner: Proper punctuation?

D_Morgan: I’m proving that I’m serious.

A_Hotchner: Good. I’ll see you tomorrow, Derek.

D_Morgan: See you tomorrow, Hotch.

Baby Boy: i’m actually kind of sad about leaving

Baby Boy: i had fun :) everyone is so nice here even if they don’t know me it’s crazy

JJ: we’re all so glad you’re having fun spence

Baby Girl: you are growing up so fast

Prentits: that’s great, reid

Baby Boy: mrs. morgan wants us to come back for easter if not sooner and meet derek’s aunt and some of the other cousins

Der: fran

Baby Boy: oh yeah

Baby Boy: fran wants us to come back for easter 

Hotch: That’s great, Spencer. 

Der: she’s very passionate about any religious holidays so don’t excited about it being fun, it’s going to be a lot of long hours in a church

Baby Boy: but you’ll be there :)

Der: yeah :)

JJ: you’re willing to go to church for fran?

Baby Boy: i haven’t been to church for non-case related reasons in 13 years. is it still that awful?

Der: yeah still awful

Prentits: church isn’t that bad once you get past all of the weird cult parts

JJ: which is all of it

Baby Boy: well there’s like a million different kinds of churches

Baby Boy: derek which one do you guys go to and also um what religion is your family?

Der: we’ve gone to the same church my entire life but i can’t remember the name for the life of me

Der: mama doesn’t like the labels, just says she loves god and everyone else 

Baby Girl: of course she would, your mom is amazing 

Baby Boy: she really is !! she let me have extra whipped cream and she said it was because i’m so skinny but derek says it’s because i’m her favorite !!

Der: it’s not fair that she likes you the most, i had to live with her for 18 years and you’ve known her for 2 days

Hotch: I think that says more about how awful you are than it does about your mother’s loyalty.

Prentits: yeah have you tried being more likeable?

Hotch: ^^

Der: okay screw every single one of you except my pretty boy who has my back 99% of the time 

Baby Boy: is the one percent because desiree called you bald and i didn’t immediately defend you?

Der: it is 

Baby Boy: in my defense i was not paying attention because the food was really really good 

Der: you’re excused, don’t let it happen again 

Prentits: softie

Der: and what of it, emily? like you didn’t cry the first time henry hugged you? okay 

JJ: he’s out for blood, folks. 

Baby Girl: stay inside and look your doors and windows because chocolate thunder is coming 

Prentits: ha i bet spencer’s heard something like that before 

Baby Boy has removed Prentits from the chat.

Baby Boy: @Hotch saved you the effort 

Hotch: Thank you. Now if you’d do that with Derek I think my life would be much easier.

Baby Boy: afraid i can’t do that :/

Hotch: Shame.

Hotch: Garcia, JJ, Emily reading over JJ’s shoulder; you should all be sleeping now. It’s 10:15 and we have work in the morning. Spencer, Derek, have your conversation and let me know how it goes. Goodnight.

Baby Girl: gn bossman and babies!!

JJ: em and i say goodnight

Der: is it weird to be super nervous now?

Hotch: No. Don’t be afraid to call off the whole thing or postpone it several years.

Baby Boy: hEY WHAT

Hotch: You’d be sad but you’d recover and find someone better.

Der: goodnight hotchner 

Baby Boy: i could search the entire world, i guarantee it doesn’t get better than him <3

Baby Boy: night dad :)

Hotch: Gross. Goodnight.

FranMorgan: Aaron.

AaronH: Fran.

FranMorgan: Any reason why Derek would ask me for his father and I’s engagement rings?

AaronH: I could only assume he’s planning to become a ring designer. 

FranMorgan: Don’t get smart with me, young man.

AaronH: Young man? It’s been a while since I last heard that one.

AaronH: They’ve been dancing around engagement for months now and I suspect they’ll be engaged as early as Tuesday morning and no later than Valentine’s day.

FranMorgan: You really think he’s going to go through with it that quickly?

AaronH: I’m shocked he waited this long. Derek doesn’t talk about anything the way he talks about Spencer and with permission from both of us, there’s nothing to stop him from popping the question any day.

FranMorgan: He said he hadn’t talked to you yet. Did you already give him permission?

AaronH: I think he’s more than aware he’s had my permission for years. Dinner is really just a chance for me to make him sweat. It always makes me laugh to see him nervous.

FranMorgan: You really think it’s not too early for them to be engaged?

AaronH: I think they could’ve gotten engaged on their first date and it wouldn’t have changed a thing. They’re going to marry each other, I’ve known that for a long time and so have they. 

FranMorgan: You're a romantic at your core, Aaron.

AaronH: Don’t tell anyone that, it’d ruin my reputation.

FranMorgan: Oh my. Would it kill you to smile once in a while?

AaronH: It just might. Goodnight, Fran.

FranMorgan: Goodnight, Aaron. I suspect I’ll be seeing you soon for an engagement party.

AaronH: I’ll bring the champagne.

Derek Morgan added Spencer Reid and Aaron Hotchner to a chat.

Derek Morgan named the chat “Engagement?”.

Aaron Hotchner: So you had the conversation? How did it go?

Derek Morgan changed his nickname to “Derek”.

Derek changed Spencer Reid’s nickname to “Pretty Boy”.

Aaron Hotchner: That tells me nothing.

Pretty Boy changed Derek’s nickname to “DerBear”.

Aaron Hotchner: I’ll leave if no one tells me how it went.

Pretty Boy: i think it went well :)

DerBear: truth be told we didn’t have very much to talk about

DerBear: we both want to get married

Pretty Boy: ^^ to each other

DerBear: i don’t know if that specification was needed but thank you baby

Pretty Boy: :)

Aaron Hotchner: There was plenty that needed to be talked about. Long engagement versus short engagement, how will it interfere with your work, do you plan to have kids, do your planned futures interfere with each other? A million other questions.

Pretty Boy: we don’t know how long we’ll be engaged but we’re both open to a long engagement

DerBear: the only thing that changes work-wise about being engaged is having to fill out some forms to say that we’re engaged and not going to rush into active scenes over each other, we’re both planning to keep our current jobs/positions for as long as we can

Pretty Boy: and we both want kids, adopted not surrogate and if we’re still working when we reach that point then we’ll only adopt older children

DerBear: not willing to risk two parents leaving and one parent coming back unless our kid is old enough to understand the risks

Pretty Boy: and our futures look exactly like this but older, married, and with children at some point

DerBear: any other questions?

Aaron Hotchner: You’re both 100% on this?

Pretty Boy: Yes.

DerBear: Yes.

Aaron Hotchner: Okay. Go to bed, I’ll see you tomorrow Derek.

DerBear: Goodnight Aaron.

Pretty Boy: Goodnight Hotch.

Baby Boy: it’s so dark outside at 5 in the morning

Der: yeah that’ll happen sweetheart

JJ: good morning. how are you?

Der: if you’re asking if our conversation about marriage went well the answer is yes

JJ: oh thank god, i was a little worried.

Baby Boy: i told you not to be

JJ: you’re my little brother, i worry about you spence

JJ: and getting engaged is a very big deal. i want you to be certain in your decision.

Baby Boy: okay i will say it once and i will say it in proper capitalization and punctuation so everyone reads it

Baby Boy: Derek Morgan and I are going to get engaged at some point and after that we will get married. We are both entirely confident in our decision to get engaged and to get married and be married for the rest of our lives. We’ve been together for only a matter of months but I feel like I’ve known him my entire life. I hate him sometimes but he’s the LOVE OF MY LIFE and my SOULMATE so the next person to ask me if I’m SURE is going to be damn well SURE not to ask again.

Der: okay so we were up until one talking about raising kids and things of that sort so he’s a little tired and phrased it a little harsh but the point stands that yes we are aware that we’re young and technically haven’t been together very long and that everyone thinks it’s a huge mistake to get engaged but we’re doing it

Der: we’re going to get engaged

Der: i’ll get down on one knee and i’ll have a ring and i’ll ask him to marry me and then at some point later we will get married

Der: clear?

JJ: understood.

Hotch: Language.

Pretty Boy: god fucking damn it hotch

Hotch: Okay. Go to bed. Now.

Pretty Boy: don’t tell me what to do

Der: baby, you need to get some sleep

Der: i’ll wake you up when we stop for gas

Pretty Boy: i’m not CRANKY

Der: i didn’t say you were

Pretty Boy: you were thinking it though !

Der: i was not

Hotch: I was. Go to bed, Spencer.

Pretty Boy: ughhhhh

~

Baby Girl: okay good morning friends

Baby Girl: hooray for our lovely love birds

Prentits: i know that morgan is driving and spencer is sleeping but we’re all very excited about your engagement :)

JJ: very very excited :)

Hotch: You’re all meant to be at work in half an hour.

JJ: we’re coming don’t get your panties in a twist

JJ: emily grabbed the wrong phone disregard that last message. we’ll be there on time.

Hotch: I miss being a prosecutor more every day.

Baby Boy: sorry for my earlier behavior, i may have been a little bit sleepy and it may have affected how i behaved a bit

Hotch: A bit?

Baby Boy: :( yeah okay maybe a lot

Baby Boy: special apology to JJ and Hotch for swearing and being hostile :/

Hotch: Is Derek making you apologize?

Baby Boy: yeah but i do mean it, i’m sorry 

Hotch: I accept your apology but you’re still grounded from your swearing over the weekend so decaffeinated coffee is still going to be your normal this week.

Baby Boy: now i’m not as sorry

Der: he’s sorry

Hotch: Are you texting and driving right now because that’s an automatic “no” in regards to engagement.

Der: we’re getting snacks, i promise

Baby Boy: he won’t let me get a baby bottle pop because he says i get too bouncy

JJ: you do get very bouncy when you have a lot of sugar.

Baby Boy: i am not a child i do not get bouncy

Der: said as his leg is going literally 55 miles an hour up and down right now after 1 (one) hershey’s kiss

Baby Boy: don’t rat me out like that

Baby Girl: gave him two cookies last week and found him writing as many digits of pi as he could

Baby Girl: which was a lot

Baby Boy: i can recite the first 350 decimals of pi out loud

Der: that’s great sweetheart, please don’t though

Baby Boy: buy me a baby bottle pop

Der: don’t do this

Baby Boy: 3

Baby Boy: .

Baby Boy: 1

Baby Boy: 4

Baby Boy: 1

Baby Boy: 5

Baby Boy: 9

Baby Boy: 2

Baby Boy: 6

Baby Boy: 5

Prentits: i swear to god if you don’t give in and buy him the candy i’ll drive to indiana and do it myself

Der: high matinence doesn’t even begin to describe him 

Der: he has a bottle pop and a thing of licorice and also some mnm’s

JJ: that is too much candy for him, derek. he’ll explode within the hour.

Der: he can only have one treat right now and one when we get home and the other is for dessert

Baby Boy: or i’ll complain until you give me all of them >:-D

Der: you’ll find my resolve is stronger than it seems

Baby Boy: i’ll bet you $20 you give me all of them before we enter virginia

Der: deal

~

Baby Boy: guys make him give me the candy

Hotch: He’s driving.

Baby Boy: i can read out loud

Hotch: Take a nap.

Baby Boy: hhhhhh i’ve been napping all day and i’m out of books and i’m so bored

Hotch: Some of us have jobs to do.

Baby Boy: funny how you always respond within 5 minutes anyways

Hotch: I didn’t say I had a job to do, I said that some of us do.

Baby Boy: it’s monday how do you not have work

Hotch: I didn’t have anything to do this weekend but sit around and sign papers.

Baby Boy: you have a son

Hotch: Well this is news to me.

Baby Boy: don’t sass me hotchner

Prentits: sweet little spencer

Baby Boy: yesss?

Prentits: just sit still for a single moment

Baby Boy: no :)

Baby Girl: let’s talk about something nerdy kiddo

Baby Boy: have you seen the theory about a new doctor who? 14th doctor is gonna be a poc but they haven’t decided who yet

Baby Boy: hehe who

Baby Boy: like doctor who

Baby Girl: yeah honey i got it

Baby Girl: that’s very nice, i’m glad they’re getting more progressive

Baby Girl: honey??

Baby Girl: sweets?

JJ: i would guess that he’s sleeping again.

Der: we’re in virginia and i won, i want that noted

Der: i stopped to go to the bathroom and he’s so cute curled up around his blanket i don’t want to wake him up

JJ: you’re just worried that he’ll be cranky again.

Der: stop profiling me jareau

JJ: wake him up.

Baby Boy: hekko

Baby Boy: hellp

Baby Boy: no

Baby Boy: hello

Prentis: human disaster

Baby Boy: human disaster with twizzlers though

Hotch: How far away are you two?

Baby Boy: derek said 45 minutes but he’s driving fast so probably half an hour

Baby Boy: you said 5:30 he should be over?

Hotch: And not a second later. Tell us when you get home safely.

~

Der: home

Der: he’s taking a shower and getting ready to binge watch old doctor who episodes and i’ll be over in a little under an hour

Der: do you want me to bring something?

Hotch: No and you can leave the audacity at home as well.

Der: will do

D_Morgan: I’m outside.

A_Hotchner: And at 5:29 as well. Door’s open.


	21. Rings and Bottles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> discussion of engagement and rings (cont.)   
> (this is literally just fluff because i'm a sap)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of shorter because i wrote one chapter and then split it into two because it was too long to be just one :) i'll upload the second half right away! (P.S. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE COMMENTS AND KUDOS, IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND LITERALLY GETS ME UP IN THE MORNING THANK YOU LOVE YOU ALL)

Pretty Baby: are you coming home soon? i’m lonely

Handsome: i’ll leave as soon as i can baby ❤️

Handsome: you can pick out a movie for us to watch when i get back, not science fiction please 

Handsome: i love you but i drove for nearly 12 hours today i don’t have the energy for quantum physics 

Pretty Baby: how about remember the titans?

Handsome: that movie has sports in it, sweetheart 

Pretty Baby: i know, it’s one of your favorites though and i feel bad you did all the driving this weekend 

Pretty Baby: we can make popcorn and you can explain football to me ?

Handsome: god i love you so much 

Pretty Baby: i love you too :)

Handsome: headed home now, see you soon love

Pretty Baby: drive safe !!

FranMorgan: Did you give your official blessing?

FranMorgan: Oh I know you did NOT just leave me on read Aaron Hotchner!

AaronH: My sincerest apologies, Fran. 

FranMorgan: Don’t bullshit me, child. Did you or did you not give your official blessing?

AaronH: Language.

FranMorgan: EXCUSE YOU?

AaronH: Sorry, force of habit. 

FranMorgan: It better be. If you were closer you’d be sitting in timeout for an hour.

AaronH: I’m 40.

FranMorgan: Would you prefer two hours?

AaronH: No, ma’am.

FranMorgan: Did you give your blessing or not?

AaronH: Of course I did. I did make him cry first, though.

FranMorgan: Aaron Hotchner.

AaronH: He recovered quickly. We were only talking about how much he loves Spencer and how much I’ll kill him if he lays a malicious finger anywhere near him.

FranMorgan: As would I, naturally. 

AaronH: Derek swore if he ever hurt Spencer he’d put himself in jail. I believe that.

FranMorgan: It’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it?

AaronH: Well he is your son.

FranMorgan: You’re funnier than you let on. You should show this side more. I know you’ve got dimples hiding somewhere.

AaronH: You can’t prove a thing. 

FranMorgan: I’ll crack you yet, Aaron. Well I suppose I ought to send you to bed now. You’ll let me know if anything happens?

AaronH: If they get engaged you’ll be the first I tell. 

FranMorgan: Indeed I will be. Goodnight, Aaron.

AaronH: Goodnight, Fran.

Prentits: so are you guys engaged yet?

JJ: emily.

Hotch: It’s 4 in the morning.

Baby Boy: cogsworth returns! 

Hotch: I redact my blessing. Now you have to be the one to earn it.

Baby Boy: ??? what ????

Der: quit it before he cries, hotch 

Der: he’s pouting douchebag

Hotch: Don’t call me that. Sorry, Spencer, it was a poor joke.

Der: that it was

Baby Girl: okay but are you engaged?

Der: bbg please 

Der: it’s been less than 12 hours 

Baby Girl: that’s plenty of time to kneel 

Der: i’m not just going to pop the question while we’re laying in bed like some common folk. i’ve been planning this for weeks if not months and it’s going to be perfect 

Baby Boy: you’ve been planning it? 🥺🥺

Der: of course i have, you’re getting only the best because that’s what you deserve 

Prentits: that’s lame just grab the nearest ring and ask 

Prentits: you’re getting married either way 

JJ: when she says it’s like that she almost has a point 

Der: no she doesn’t 

Baby Boy: der you could propose to be with a ring pop and i’d still say yes

Baby Boy: mm wait 

Baby Boy: only if it was a red or pink flavor, if you proposed to me with grape or green apple i think i’d dump you for at least 24 hours 

Der: good to know, i guess i’ll exchange the flavor

Baby Girl: derek do you have the ring!!

Der: this information cannot be disclosed

Baby Girl: can i see it!! i wanna see it!!

Der: no

Baby Boy: can i? 🥺🥺

Der: No

Baby Boy: but it’s for meeeeee 

Der: exactly

Der: only two people have seen it and i intend to keep it that way until i propose

Baby Boy: who’s seen it!! 

Der: Mama and Hotch

Hotch: Don’t drag me into this. I was intending to sleep in until 6 today.

Baby Boy: what does it look like? what color is it? is it silver or gold or rose gold or copper or bronze or even hematite?

Hotch: I don’t know.

Baby Boy: liar! tell me !!

Hotch: You’re supposed to be at work in three hours.

Baby Boy: please please please 

Baby Boy: i don’t like surprises i want to know now!!

Der: baby settle down you’ll see it soon

Baby Boy: soon? how soon? like soon enough that i should start dressing nicely for engagement photos or soon in like i should i get a haircut in the next six months?

Der: just soon. and i like your hair the way it is, very pretty boy 

Baby Boy: everything i do and wear is “very pretty boy” because i’m “pretty boy”

Der: don’t put it in quotations, you’re pretty

Baby Boy: objectively i’m not

Der: are you suggesting i’m biased?

Baby Boy: we’re sleeping in the same bed and our pinkies are intertwined so yeah i’m suggesting you’re a little bit biased 

Baby Girl: your pinkies are interlocked??!!!

Der: they are every night, helps him when he was nightmares to remember where he is and who he’s with 

Baby Boy: (that’s what i tell him but really i’m just super in love with him and i like being close to him without laying on top of his body. sometimes in the middle of the night i pretend to be asleep and curl up on his shoulder, though)

Der: you’re a bad actor, honey

Der: i always know you’re awake, that’s why i kiss your forehead and tell you i love you 

Baby Boy: ,,,, oh

Baby Boy: i think i’m probably usually already asleep by that point,,,, you’re very warm and cozy

Baby Girl: i can’t take this i have to leave this is too much

JJ: i was married and this is too much. emily let’s go break something so i feel tough again.

Prentits: hell yeah i’ve got three glass bottles in my trunk 

Hotch: Why?

Prentits: emergency weapon 

Hotch: Your emergency weapon should be you GUN, Emily.

Prentits: and if someone takes my gun?

Hotch: One of your 11 knives should do it.

Prentits: 13

Hotch: Christ. I’ll see you all later.

Baby Boy: send jack my best 

Hotch: And if I don’t?

Der: you’re losing your mind, hotchner 

Der: sleep in, come in an hour late we can cover for you 

Hotch: I’ve never once been late because of anything other than a near death experience.

Baby Boy: last august you were 12 minutes late with a coffee stain on your shirt

Baby Boy: i don’t know if spilled coffee counts as near death 

Hotch: The coffee was hot.

Baby Boy: you call us over dramatic very often for someone who cries at children’s movies and considers a stain an emergency 

Hotch: You’re not my favorite as much as previously were.

Baby Girl: it’s mean to have favorites and meaner to admit it and meanest to plainly say who’s favorite 

Baby Boy: you’re just upset cause you’re second :P

Hotch: Behave.

Der: yeah come on sweetheart let’s go back to sleep

Baby Boy: i don’t want to 

Der: i’ll make you pancakes in the morning if you’re back in bed in the next 2 minutes 

Baby Boy: with chocolate chips?

Der: yes with chocolate chips

Baby Boy: mm oki :)

Baby Girl: he’s so easy to win over 

Der: from an outside perspective maybe but i’ve been building this foundation for years 

Hotch: Are you complaining?

Der: how could i complain when i have the prettiest boy in the world sleeping in my bed holding my hand telling me he can’t wait to see the ring?

Hotch: You’re beyond gross. Goodnight.

Der: night night 


	22. Supply Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spencer and derek get supplies from the storage closet and then spencer and hotch have a heart to heart!! very sweet!! father son moment!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second half of the last chapter :) more fluff and father-son bonding

Baby Boy: chocolate chip pancakes>>>>>>

Prentits: you’re a toddler

Hotch: Jack likes them too so he could be 11 as well.

Baby Boy: thank you dad

Hotch: Nevermind he’s three.

Der: stop bullying my baby

Der: he’s no younger than a strong 7!

Baby Boy: 🙄

Der: i’m sorry i couldn’t resist 

Der: we’re stopping for coffee, everyone want their usuals?

Hotch: Make mine a double.

Prentits: the usual please, jj as well

Baby Girl: can i have a muffin, too?

Der: okay, okay, and yes but only because i love you 

Baby Girl: so are you engaged yet?

Der: we’re still in the drive through for coffee

Baby Girl: put the ring in the coffee then

Baby Boy: he said i’d probably end up swallowing it because i drink my coffee whole which is Slander and Not True

JJ: i watched you chug an entire tall black coffee before realizing it wasn’t even your drink.

Hotch: I’m still upset about that.

Baby Boy: sorry :/ i promise not to drink your coffee this time because derek let me get a medium

Hotch: Oh gee, thank you.

Baby Boy: i think maybe you haven’t gotten the amount of sleep you should’ve

Hotch: I wonder whose fault that could be.

Baby Boy: derek says to stop sassing me or he’ll throw your coffee away

Hotch: Stop reading the texts out loud to him.

Baby Boy: he said to tell you to stop telling me what i can and can’t tell him 

Prentits: that sentence gave me dyslexia

Baby Boy: that’s not possible

Prentits: you’re a little bitch, reid

Baby Boy: :0

Prentits: infuriating

JJ: emily there’s steam coming out of your ears, the coffee will be here soon just hold on a little bit longer

Hotch: By the way, you’ve got two minutes or you’re both late.

Baby Boy: we’re like three blocks away !! 

Hotch: Then you might want to get out and start running.

Baby Boy: hsfjh

~

Der: you guys can’t be mean just because i’m busy

Der: it’s not fair

Der: to me

Der: i want to make fun of him too

Baby Boy: i don’t want to marry you

Hotch: Finally.

Baby Boy: now i’m going to marry him out of spite and get divorced out of spite and then marry him again

Hotch: Why not just not get married and instead make a good decision like marry a nice accountant or something?

Der: do you actually hate me or is this just a game we’re playing?

Hotch: Guess.

Der: my guess is that you’re incredibly sleep deprived and in desperate need of a nap which is why i made it a triple instead of a double

JJ: i wonder what hyper hotch is like.

Der: yeah give it like half an hour

~

Hotch: I’m going to take a phone call in the conference room. Do not disturb me.

Der: okay so i’ll go bug him first and we can take turns

Baby Boy: he’s napping leave him alone

Der: he’s nAPPING? we’re at work!

Baby Boy: the longer he naps the longer you and me can go “get supplies” in the storage closet downstairs

Der: SHHHH! boss man is napping and is not to be distrubed

Prentits: as the next most responsible of the group, i’m in charge now

JJ: no you’re not. derek and spencer, don’t go make out in the storage closet. get some work done, you’re already a day behind.

Baby Boy: maybe derek is but i’m done with everything from yesterday and today and i’m going to go get supplies

Der: i need staples

Der: and pens

Der: and paper

Der: and tape

Baby Boy: oh boy, i don’t have the hands for all of that. can you come help me carry it all up?

Der: of course i can

Prentits: jj why can’t we be more like them?

Der: FUCKING OW THERE’S A STAPLE IN MY FOOT

JJ: ^^^ because i don’t want a staple in my foot

JJ: get the staple out and get back here

Baby Boy: he’s overdramatic, it just went through the side of his shoe and poked his ankle

Baby Boy: it’s been removed and we’re continuing to get supplies

Baby Boy: wait hotch read that

Baby Boy: and… didn’t yell at me??

Baby Boy: i guess i’ll just… get more notecards?

Der: stop talking about hotch right now i need your full attention

Spencer Reid created a new group chat.

Spencer Reid added Aaron Hotchner, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jaureau, and Emily Prentiss to the chat.

Spencer Reid named the chat “FUCK HOTCH”.

Spencer Reid changed his nickname to “AH”.

AH: HOTCHNER

Aaron Hotchner changed “AH”’s nickname to “Spencer”.

Spencer: FUCKER FIX IT NOW

Emily Prentiss: wait what am i missing

Spencer: HE CONVINCED GARCIA TO LIKE 

Spencer: HACK MY PHONE AND NOW I CAN’T TEXT DEREK OR ANY CHATS WITH DEREK IN THEM

Jennifer Jareau: i told you not to go to the storage closet.

Spencer: I WAS DONE WITH MY WORK AND WE DIDN’T EVEN ACTUALLY MAKE OUT WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT WE WANTED TO HAVE FOR DINNER I JUST WANTED PRIVACY

Jennifer Jareau changed her nickname to “JJ”.

JJ: okay then yeah it’s a bit of an extreme reaction

Aaron Hotchner: It’s not a proper use of your time.

Spencer: YOU WERE NAPPING!

Spencer: DURING WORK!

Spencer: YOU TOOK A NAP!

Aaron Hotchner: You can’t prove that.

Spencer: WANNA BET

Aaron Hotchner: No, when Derek finishes his work you can talk to him again.

Spencer: what am i supposed to do while i wait!!!

Aaron Hotchner: Consider getting a hobby, or a new boyfriend.

The host left the chat. 

Hotchner: Are you angry at me or just throwing a fit?

Jack’s Favorite: i’m angry AND throwing a fit! stop being mean to him!! i love him and i don’t care if you don’t think he’s good enough because he’s going to be my HUSBAND

Jack’s Favorite: oh fuck

Jack’s Favorite: oh god

Jack’s Favorite: husband

Hotchner: Spencer?

Jack’s Favorite: he’s going to be my husband

Hotchner: What’s going on here, Spencer?

Jack’s Favorite: i’m not freaking out

Jack’s Favorite: i’m kind of freaking out

Jack’s Favorite: in a good way though

Hotchner: You’re freaking out in a good way?

Jack’s Favorite: i am

Jack’s Favorite: i’m excited but wow okay

Jack’s Favorite: i just haven’t… i haven’t realized he’s going to be my husband

Jack’s Favorite: like i haven’t thought that specific word in reference to him and me and us and our future

Jack’s Favorite: i’ve just been thinking “married” and not “husband”

Hotchner: You’re sure you’re okay?

Jack’s Favorite: i’ve never been better

Jack’s Favorite: this is like

Jack’s Favorite: huge

Hotchner: That’s exactly why I’m checking every five seconds to see if you’re sure. It’s not that I don’t think Derek is worthy of you. He’s perfect for you and you’re perfect for him and I fully expect you to get married but right now? You’re young and newly in love and a lot of stupid decisions happen when you combine those things.

Jack’s Favorite: but i’m not newly in love !! i’ve been in love with him for years !!

Hotchner: Right. My point still stands. You’re high on endorphins and I don’t want you to get married too soon and regret it.

Jack’s Favorite: oh wait

Hotchner: What?

Jack’s Favorite: this is not about me and derek

Jack’s Favorite: you’re projecting onto me

Hotchner: No, I’m not.

Jack’s Favorite: you absolutely are

Jack’s Favorite: we’re not going to be like you and haley, hotch

Jack’s Favorite: for starters we’re both men

Jack’s Favorite: and we’re not getting married because one of us got pregnant

Hotchner: Spencer.

Jack’s Favorite: yeah okay i’m crossing lines and pushing boundaries but !!

Jack’s Favorite: i love him, you know that i do. i want to marry him so fucking much, hotch. like there is nothing i have ever wanted more than to marry him. i want him no matter what

Jack’s Favorite: i love him how he is and i loved him how he was and i’ll love him how he will be

Hotchner: I know. I know that you love him and you’re excited to marry him. I can’t help but worry about you. I know we joke about it a lot but I really do see you as my second son, my much older and odder son, but my son nonetheless. Can you blame me for wanting the best for you? For wanting to keep you from making my mistakes?

Jack’s Favorite: of course not

Jack’s Favorite: but if you could just be nicer about it and maybe have said something earlier i would’ve much preferred that to having to make a group chat to cuss you out where others could back me up

Hotchner: I would’ve preferred that as well. I’m sorry. Are we good?

Jack’s Favorite: i’m sorry too

Jack’s Favorite: we’re good

Hotchner: Good.

Hotchner: You should use that text about how he is, how he was, and how he will be in your vows. It’s sweet.

Jack’s Favorite: oh god i have to write vows

Jack’s Favorite: and sAY THEM OUT LOUD AT A WEDDING

Jack’s Favorite: A WEDDING

Hotchner: Sigh.

Der: okay so i feel like i missed a lot of stuff but there’s a pretty boy in my office and he’s all pink and blushy and so i’m not going to question it

Hotch: Good. Finish your files before 5.

Der: got it


	23. Hotch Has Icecream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hotch has ice cream and also gets nervous, derek and spencer continue to be in love with each other while emily causes problems and jj has to be a parent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as requested, hyper/anxious hotch :) thank you for the comments, enjoy!!

JJ: henry asks that you come over for dinner soon.

JJ: well actually he asked for spencer and derek but i felt bad excluding PG and hotch because em will almost certainly be over

Baby Girl: offended that i wasn’t mentioned by name by the little baby but i’d be honored to go

Hotch: My feelings weren’t hurt because I’m an adult. If he doesn’t want me there, I don’t have to go.

Prentits: aww his feelings are totally hurt 

JJ: alright now he’s asked for you but i won’t lie it’s just because he wants to see jack

Hotch: Understandable, he’s my best asset.

Baby Girl: your best asset is your biceps

Der: no it’s his leadership abilities

Baby Boy: it’s his biceps, derek

Der: babe wtf back me up here

Baby Boy: i’m sorry you know i’m on your side always but seriously like 

Baby Girl: hubba hubba

Baby Boy: ^^^

Baby Boy: and that’s completely objectively because you know i could never be attracted to him

JJ: does 6:15 sound good for everyone?

Hotch: Yes. Do you want me to bring anything?

JJ: fully cooked meal for 8

Hotch: What kind of wine would go best with dinner?

Prentits: red

Hotch: Good, that’s all I have and I wasn’t willing to go to the store for more.

Der: you’re just barely a functioning adult

Hotch: I’ve made it this far.

Der: on luck

Hotch: Not luck, spite. I want to outlive everyone that’s ever wronged me.

JJ: okay i’m making mushroom risotto

Hotch: Jack won’t eat anything with mushrooms.

Der: neither will spencer

Baby Boy: they’re ickyyy

JJ: okay how about lasagna? will that work?

Hotch: Yes.

Der: yeah

JJ: grand we’ll see you later

Baby Boy: henry threw a foam block at me and now my nose is bleeding

Der: you’re ridiculous i love you

Baby Boy: i’m typing with one hand while the other tries to pinch off the blood flow so if you could hurry with the tissues

Der: coming

Baby Girl: so are you guys getting engaged tonight or…?

Der: you’re insatiable

Prentits: she’s curious

Der: not you too

Prentits: part of me just really wants it over with so i don’t have to listen to spencer talk about it anymore

Baby Boy: you would RAT ME OUT while i’m BLEEDING?

Der: aw baby you talk about me to emily? cute 

Prentits: no it’s not cute it’s endless and repetitive and revolves quite a bit on your arms

Der: yeah i think he has an arms thing

Baby Boy: i don’t want this conversation to continue

Prentits: he’s said some explicit things i can’t repeat but trust me when i say it’s not safe for work

Der: send me the screenshots

Baby Boy: emily i swear to god i’ll kill you

Prentits: okay and..?

Baby Boy: i have pictures

Prentits: i don’t… think i have any pictures i don’t want shown

Baby Boy: you’re at the dentist in this photo

Prentits: i seem to have deleted all of our previous messages

Baby Boy: prove it

Prentits sent an image.

Baby Boy: good

Baby Boy:  [ https://pin.it/5fCQ2gy ](https://pin.it/5fCQ2gy)

Prentits: BASTARD

Der: ohohoooooooo prentiss noooooo

Der: what happened

Prentits: i was ATTACKED by a CRIMINAL

Baby Boy: fell down the stairs as we were leaving from an interview

Prentits: you’re a wHORE

Baby Boy: and where are the screenshots to prove it? o yeah, you deleted them

Der: he can be a vicious creature, sorry i haven’t tamed him yet

Prentits: it’s alright i know how to put him in his place

Prentits:  [ https://pin.it/1lNOGQq ](https://pin.it/1lNOGQq)

Baby Girl: oh my that sure is something

Baby Girl: something…. so uncomfortable

Der: no because why is it so hot??

Baby Boy: EMILY YOU SAID YOU DELETED THAT

Prentits: and pass up a chance to embarrass you? never

JJ: alright kids it’s dinner time

Der: we’ll be coming back to this

~

JJ: has anyone seen the boys?

Baby Girl: the adult boys or the children boys?

JJ: either

Baby Girl: all four of them are in henry’s room playing knights

Baby Girl: well jack and derek are knights and henry and spencer are hiding from the imaginary dragon

Prentits: ugh i love that band

JJ: i think i need to outlaw wine in this house because emily doesn’t know how to stop

Hotch: I brought a smaller bottle on purpose.

Der: hey can we kidnap your children?

Hotch: It’s not kidnapping if you ask permission and even still the answer is no. It’s Tuesday, wait until the weekend to have them over.

Der: can we just take them out for ice cream then?

Hotch: No, Jack has school tomorrow morning.

Jack Hotchner created a new group chat.

Jack Hotchner added Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Emily Prentiss, and Penelope Garcia to the chat.

Jack Hotchner changed his nickname to “Jack”.

Jack: Can we go get ice cream now?

Derek Morgan: since when did you get a phone?

Jack: Since Christmas.

Penelope Garcia changed her nickname to “Garcia”.

Garcia: i didn’t think hotch would give in to getting you a phone until 16, even after we wrote that paper on the importance of social media

Jack: I bought half of it myself so I could “learn the importance of hard work”.

Spencer Reid: you are your father’s son

Jack: Ice cream?

Spencer Reid: @AaronHotchner ice cream??

Aaron Hotchner: Jack what have I said about texting people you’re in the same room with?

Jack: It’s “impolite”. You do it all the time. You just don’t want me to get ice cream.

Aaron Hotchner: Correct. Come on, it’s time to get you into bed.

Jack: Mean.

Spencer Reid: goodnight jack

Jack: night spencer

Hotch: If anyone makes fun of me for saying this they’re getting fired. 

Der: just @ me man

Hotch: @Der If you make fun of me for saying this, you’re getting fired.

Der: go on

Hotch: The talk about ice cream has made me want ice cream. What are your thoughts on bringing ice cream in for lunch tomorrow and having sundaes?

Der: you’re going through a midlife crisis and i love it

Baby Girl: what toppings do we want?

JJ: sprinkles

Prentits: cherries

Der: oreo’s or hot fudge

Der: @BabyBoy

Baby Boy: too many options, head is spinning

Der: you like oreos yeah?

Baby Boy: yes :)

Der: okay let’s just have those then

Baby Boy: yay!

Hotch: Don’t ask why but I have all of that in my kitchen at the moment. Ice cream at noon in the briefing room.

Baby Girl: please can i ask why

Hotch: No.

Baby Girl: fine

Hotch: Ice cream.

Der: baby let’s go before they eat all of the oreos

Baby Boy: :)

~

Hotch: What kind of music do you like?

Prentits: girl in red

Hotch: That’s for lesbians.

JJ: but it slaps

Der: classic rock

Hotch: Good man.

Baby Boy: WHY IS THERE LOUD MUSIC PLAYING?

Hotch: Team morale.

JJ: hotch gets weird on sugar

Hotch: He does not.

JJ: i guess i’m in charge again. everyone get to work.

Hotch: No I’m in charge. Everyone enjoy the music.

Prentits: no one likes ac/dc

Der: you’re not invited to the wedding

Baby Boy: derek wants us to walk down the aisle to back in black 

Der: i’m also open to seven nation army 

Hotch: AC/DC is cool. That’s my suggestion.

Baby Boy: hotch i think you need to nap again 

Hotch: I’ve never slept before and I’m not going to start now.

Der: i’m genuinely concerned for him but not enough to not take advantage

Baby Girl: is now a bad time to mention i may have set up a date for him for after work?

Hotch: What’s happening?

Baby Girl: my friend (and i promise not ex-anything) wanted to go on a date with you and i told him you were free after work

Baby Girl: and jj said she’d watch jack

Hotch: I have no feelings about this.

Baby Boy: WHY DID THE MUSIC GET LOUDER STOP

Hotch: If the music is loud I can’t hear my own thoughts.

Der: sugary hotch isn’t fun anymore he’s like a moody teenager that wears suits 

Prentits: hotch has speech and debate kid vibes 

Baby Girl: oh he totally does! he’s the one kid that took debate WAY too seriously 

JJ: okay theatre kids settle down and get some work done

JJ: hotch i can watch jack if you’re not going to cancel.

Hotch: Garcia and I are the only two that were ever in theater. 

Der: he’s deflecting 

Hotch: Interteam profiling is strictly against the rules, Derek.

Der: bbg what’s the guys name?

Baby Girl: it’s noah and trust me he’s already been thoroughly background checked and had a stern talking to, only the best for our father 

Der: send me his file

Hotch: You have no authority here. 

Der: but spencer does and he’s my baby so if i tell him noah’s no good he’ll pout until you cancel the date 

Baby Boy: i wish he was wrong 

Hotch: So do I.

Hotch: I don’t want to go on this “date”.

Baby Girl: why are there quotations it’s literally just a date

Hotch: I don’t know your age group. I don’t know what they’re like.

Baby Girl: my wHAT

Hotch: Age group. You’re several years younger than me.

Baby Girl: by like 6 years!

Hotch: That’s over half of my son’s age.

Prentits: just say that you haven’t been on a date in 11 years and go

Hotch: It’s been longer than that. Haley moved in right after she finished college at 23 when I was 25 and Jack was born four years later and we got married.

Prentits: you’re so depressing, you need this date

Der: go on the date, hotch, at least just so you’ve gone on one in the last decade

Baby Boy: you should go !!

JJ: come on it can’t be that bad.

Hotch: I don’t know anything about him. I know that his name is Noah and that he knows Garcia.

Baby Boy: he’s 36 and a swimming instructor and he has no priors

Hotch: Why do you know that?

Baby Girl: i sent his file out to everyone in the chat and also rossi just to be safe

Hotch: That would explain the conversation Rossi just attempted to have with me.

Prentits: what was the conversation?

Hotch: I don’t want to talk about it.

Baby Boy: was it the safe sex talk? because he tried to have that conversation with me several months ago and it was so uncomfortable i faked a migraine

Hotch: I had to explain to him that I’m 40 and have a kid and therefore have a pretty good idea on how it works. He tried to correct me and say that gay sex was different and I locked him out of my office.

Der: well he’s right, it’s very different 

Hotch: This conversation ends here or you’re all working until 9.

Baby Boy: dad do we need to have the talk

Baby Boy: because we can have the talk

Hotch: You’re purposely trying to upset me.

Baby Boy: but it’s working isn’t it?

~

Hotch: I ate the rest of the ice cream and now I think we need to do some spring cleaning.

JJ: it’s january.

Hotch: Winter cleaning, whatever. Everyone clean out their desks.

JJ: guys don’t do that.

Hotch: Why isn’t anyone cleaning? I’m the boss do what I say.

Baby Boy: is it a panic attack or a sugar high?

Prentits: my money’s on panic attack 

Der: sugar high

JJ: stop taking bets, i can’t believe hotch does this every day i am so tired already everyone just sit down and work.

Hotch: Who dares me to eat this entire bowl of cherries?

Prentits: me

JJ: god damn it emily

Prentits: i’m sorry 😞 

Prentits: (i do) not condone eating the cherries

JJ removed Prentits from the chat.

Baby Girl: momma jj is here

JJ: spencer, go calm your father down. derek if you say a single word in the next hour i’ll shoot you in the face.

Der: what

JJ: ⚰️<— for you

Der: babe she’s threatening to kill me

Baby Boy: jj please don’t kill him i love him 

JJ: ⚰️❤️⚰️<— you can be buried together 

Baby Boy: awww romantic 

Der: baby

Baby Boy: right 

Baby Boy: don’t kill him please i promise he’ll behave

Der: um

Baby Boy: you’ll behave or you’ll sleep on the couch 

Der: you won’t be able to sleep without me

Baby Boy: okay WE’LL sleep on the couch

Der: you are not cut out to be an authority figure love

Baby Boy: don’t call me that i’m asserting myself

Der: you’re so cute when you’re trying to be in charge 😘

Baby Boy: sTOP IT

JJ: CHILDREN

JJ: SHUT UP

JJ: SPENCER! STOP FLIRTING AND FIX HOTCH!

JJ: DEREK! STOP BEING HORNY AND DO YOUR JOB!

Hotch: I don’t want to leave the floor.

JJ: AARON HOTCHNER IT IS ONE DATE WITH A MAN YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE YOU ARE AN FBI AGENT

Hotch: You’re mean.

JJ: I’M IN CHARGE!

Baby Girl: if emily was still here she’d be drooling

JJ: god fucking 

JJ has left the chat.

Der: no parents!! 

Der: come on pretty baby let’s wreak havoc on this town 

Baby Boy: 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Der: don’t do that to me 

Baby Boy: 🥰🥰

Der: stop it

Baby Boy: 😘

Der: i’ll drag you out of here if you don’t stop 

Baby Boy: 😗

Baby Boy: i’ll be good

Hotch: I can see colors.

Der: yeah, man, everyone can

Baby Boy: not everyone

Der: all not colorblind people

Hotch: Maybe I’m colorblind.

Der: dude you JUST said you can see colors 

Hotch: I don’t know what I know.

Hotch: I’m confused.

Baby Boy: me too but just generally

Der: god how did i become the parent this sucks

Baby Boy: 🥺☹️ you don’t want kids?

Der: what babe no yes of course i do

Baby Boy: ☹️☹️

Der: sweetheart yes i would have a million kids with you if that’s what you wanted

Baby Boy: you don’t want kids wif me :(

Der: stop that you’re being difficult on purpose 

Baby Boy: do you not love me anymore?

Der: you fucker!! you’re trying to get me to feel bad so i’ll propose to make it up to you!

Baby Boy: :) yeah

Baby Boy: i was doing really well too

Der: god you’re the worst i can’t wait to be married to you

Baby Boy: hehe

Baby Boy: i think i fixed hotch

Hotch: Hotch is not and was not broken.

Hotch: Where is everyone else?

Der: jj and emily both left/got kicked out and bb girl had just been silently watching on

Hotch: You should all be working.

Der: not spring/winter cleaning?

Hotch removed Der from the chat.

Baby Boy: idk why he has to antagonize every situation he’s in but isn’t he just the cutest

Hotch: No. Work.

~

Baby Girl added Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, and Jennifer Jareau to the chat.

Baby Girl changed Derek Morgan’s nickname to “DerBear”.

Baby Girl: that’s my favorite of his nicknames for you

DerBear: close second

Baby Girl: what’s the first

Jennifer Jareau changed her nickname to “JJ”. 

JJ: i’m going to have to stop that there.

Baby Boy: correct

Hotch: No more slacking off.

Emily Prentiss changed her nickname to “Lesbo”.

Lesbo: did you eat all the cherries?

Hotch: No.

Lesbo: most of them?

Baby Boy: yes

DerBear changed Baby Boy’s nickname to “Pretty Baby”.

Pretty Baby: 🦋🦋🦋

Lesbo: you’re so gay 

Pretty Baby: okay lesbian (derogatory)

Lesbo: BITCH LMAO

DerBear: he’s been learning the internet slang and he’s nearly up to date

Pretty Baby: when i get the memes right he gives me a kiss :)

Baby Girl: i taught you all the internet stuff months ago?

DerBear: wait 

DerBear: baby boy

DerBear: have you been conning me for kisses again?

Pretty Baby: … no comment

DerBear: god you are TROUBLE

DerBear: you can just ask for kisses

Pretty Baby: can i hav kiss kiss please

DerBear: no

Pretty Baby: 😑

DerBear: you’re a con man

Pretty Baby: no i’m just a baby how could i be a con man

DerBear: 😑

Hotch: WORK.

Pretty Baby: yessir


	24. They’re All Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the usual chaos of the bau

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long for being basically filler, i’ve been super busy!! i have some free time coming up so expect some better things then and in the meantime any suggestions are more than welcome!! thanks for reading!!

Baby Girl: who wants to go out for drinks tonight 🍹🍹

Hotch: Garcia, it’s Wednesday.

Baby Girl: okay and ?? 🍹

JJ: no can do PG, i’ve got henry this week

Lesbo: and i’m her husband so i’ll be there too

DerBear: we’ll go!

Pretty Baby: we will?

DerBear: it’ll be fun ! we’ll have a couple drinks and we can leave if you get too overwhelmed, we’ll call a cab

Pretty Baby: cabs are scary i just won’t drink 

DerBear: okay how about this 

DerBear: baby girl do you wanna come over to our place? we can get some drinks on the way home and order chinese

Baby Girl: can i bring my girlfriend?

Pretty Baby: you have a girlfriend?? i thought it didn’t work out with elizabeth?

Baby Girl: it didn’t, lucille is my girlfriend

DerBear: what’s she like?

Baby Girl: smart and beautiful 

DerBear: so she’s like you?

Pretty Baby: does she like star trek?

Baby Girl: i love you and yes 

Pretty Baby: she’s welcome over any time 

DerBear: what does she drink

Baby Girl: anything sweet

Pretty Baby: ooooh derek can we get the pink stuff!!!

DerBear: NO

Pretty Baby: pleaseeeee

DerBear: you know it makes you sick and giggly and when you’re giggly you’re so hard to calm down 

Pretty Baby: please !! it’s been so long since i’ve had it!

DerBear: yeah that’s on purpose dork

DerBear: you can have one and then we’re giving the rest to bbg to take home 

Pretty Baby: yaaaaaayyyy

~

Pretty Baby: sshhggg don’bt telk bt i hed 3 ehehaa 

Hotch: @DerBear

DerBear: alright honey where are you it’s time to hold your hair back 

Pretty Baby: nooooooo wer’e hacin funnnn

Baby Girl: he’s spinning in the spinny chair

DerBear: STOP HIM BEFORE HE THROWS UP

Baby Girl: lucille is spinning him

DerBear: TELL HER TO STOP

~

DerBear: he made it to the bathroom before throwing up twice

DerBear: now he’s tucked in bed

Baby Girl: he’s sending us home ☹️

Hotch: It’s a work night. You shouldn’t have been drinking anyways.

Baby Girl: you’re so boring :/

Baby Girl: we’re in our cab nowwwww

~

JJ: alright morgan how is he doing this morning?

DerBear: he hasn’t opened his eyes yet, just groaned a lot very loudly and stolen all FOUR of our blankets 

Lesbo: i can’t wait to purposely be loud and make his head hurt more

JJ: don’t be an asshole em

DerBear: he deserves it

DerBear: i specifically said he could have ONE and this bitch had THREE

DerBear: the hangover he has now is entirely his fault 

Baby Girl: stone cold 🥶

Hotch: 45 minutes to get to work.

DerBear: yeah yeah i’m working on it

DerBear: his alarm went off and he couldn’t find it with his eyes closed so he just fumbled around and then unplugged the entire thing but in the process also unplugged his heated blanket and now he’s complaining about being cold AND dying

Lesbo: and you’re not going to climb back into bed and fix it?

DerBear: when i get close to him he screeches that i’m being too loud (at a volume much louder than i was being)

Hotch: 40 minutes.

DerBear: i am doing my best he’s such a baby 

DerBear: i brought him a pain killer and he swallowed it dry which is the first time i’ve ever seen him do that and then he pulled the blankets over his head

Lesbo: i thought you were going to make him deal with it himself 

DerBear: i said it was his fault, not that i wasn’t going to baby the shit out of him until he’s better because i love taking care of my boy

DerBear: he’s sitting up

Baby Girl: progress!

DerBear: alright he’s horizontal again but he’s wearing his glasses so he’s beginning the process of getting ready

Hotch: 35.

DerBear: you are the least helpful person here i resent you

Hotch: 34.

DerBear: bitch

DerBear: alright he’s managed pants

DerBear: or well he managed to stand long enough for me to put his pants on

DerBear: aww will he be angry if i dress him up in one of my sweatshirts?

JJ: he’s not a doll.

DerBear: sure he is

Baby Girl: awww 🥺🥺 do it!!

DerBear: baby in my northwestern sweatshirt>>>>

Hotch: 30.

DerBear: don’t you have a son to harass??

Hotch: He wanted to take the bus. I’m already at the office.

DerBear: whatever

DerBear: we’re leaving now

~

Pretty Baby: okay fuck every single of you for laughing at me while i’m THROWING UP

DerBear: babe i literally tied your shoes for you this morning

Pretty Baby: you did it WRONG

Pretty Baby: you wrapped the laces around once and you’re supposed to wrap them around TWICE

DerBear: okay but i also did every other thing correctly

Pretty Baby: the XL northwestern hoodie says otherwise

DerBear: but you look so cute 🥰🥰

Pretty Baby: i wish i didn’t love you as much as i do

DerBear: how romantic 

Hotch: Case in Washington.

Pretty Baby: omw 

~

Pretty Baby: fully convinced derek picked this sweatshirt in hopes that we’d get a case and i’d have to answer every single person that asks “did you go to northwestern?” with “no, my boyfriend did”

DerBear: can neither confirm nor deny

JJ: you two are meant to be meeting with the bar owner.

Pretty Baby: we’re waiting for him to get receipts, we’re very professional 

Hotch: Arguable. 

Lesbo: it’s friday at last bitchesssss

Baby Girl: girls night??

JJ: @PrettyBaby @DerBear

DerBear: only if we can babysit at your place instead of ours because im not willing to clean right now

JJ: hmn okay girls night at garcia’s instead?

Baby Girl: mm there’s a bit of an issue with that 

Lesbo: ??

Baby Girl: ex-girlfriend stole my TV

Pretty Baby: 1) yes i want henry so badly i miss him 2) wHAT?? LUCILLE??

Baby Girl: no, lucille is still my current love, elizabeth stole my TV

Baby Girl: i’ve filed my claim and i’m getting a new one tomorrow but for tonight we’re out of luck 

JJ: if henry’s here we can’t drink

Lesbo: which eliminates the whole point

Hotch: Fine. Henry can come over ONLY if Spencer and Derek agree not to make out on the couch.

Pretty Baby: mmmmm henry vs kisses

DerBear: yeah we’ll be there soon

~

Hotch: Four boys asleep on my couch, one of which has 3 blankets while the others all have one. Guess who has 3.

Baby Girl: babies ❤️

Hotch: Who stole Rossi’s wallet?

Lesbo: not me

Pretty Baby: it was her

DerBear: emily

JJ: emily offered to take me to california for a vacation so i think it was probably her

Hotch added David Rossi to the chat.

David Rossi: You can have the Cold Stone gift card and nothing else.

Lesbo: sweet!!

Pretty Baby: she’s getting rewarded for stealing from you!!?? if i knew that’s what would happen i wouldn’t have given your sunglasses back last week 

David Rossi: If you don’t complain I’ll give you $20.

Pretty Baby: okay :)

David Rossi left the chat.

Baby Girl: hold on what i want money!!??

Pretty Baby: as always, being a thief pays off 

Hotch: Try again.

Pretty Baby: i’m his favorite grandchild so i get money 

Hotch: Spencer.

Pretty Baby: i’ll give you $5 if you delete that picture you have of me blonde in college

Baby Girl: no that pictures is priceless

Baby Girl: it’s going to take a lot more than that to get it from me

DerBear: i’ll give you $45 to send it to me

Baby Girl: and the bidding begins

JJ: he’s blonde, you say?

Baby Girl: bleach blonde

JJ: i’ll pay for your next salon appointment.

Pretty Baby: this is not what i want

Baby Girl: full color?

JJ: and styled.

Baby Girl: jj leads

Lesbo: i’ll let you do my makeup and pick out a dress for me to wear and i’ll wear it to work 

JJ: please send it to emily i want to see her in a dress so bad please 

Baby Girl: interested. hotch? any offers?

Hotch: I won’t fire you.

Baby Girl sent a photo.

Baby Girl:  [ https://pin.it/1s0yhoi ](https://pin.it/1s0yhoi)

Lesbo: OHOOHOOOO YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS

Pretty Baby: SHUT UP I WAS 17 AND I LOST A BET AND I DYED IT BACK AS SOON AS I COULD

Hotch: Why were dressed like that at 17? 

Pretty Baby: in case you all FORGOT because you were too busy MAKING FUN OF ME

Pretty Baby: i was getting DOCTORATES

Pretty Baby: i had to defend my dissertation to the committee

Hotch: That’s great. You look ridiculous.

Pretty Baby: GOD I SHOULD’VE GONE TO WORK AT NASA

DerBear: you look so cute baby!! look at my little doctor!! 

JJ: i can’t believe you actually risked bleaching your hair in a bet and LOST

Baby Girl: what was the bet!!

Pretty Baby: :(

Hotch: As your boss, what was the bet?

Pretty Baby: why do you all find so much enjoyment in BULLYING ME

DerBear: because we love you

DerBear: what was the bet

Pretty Baby: :(

Pretty Baby: my roommate bet i couldn’t recite more digits of pi than him (we both already had our degrees in math) and i bet him i could name at least 100 more than he could and then i could only name 58 more than him so we bleached my hair 

DerBear: you’re a disaster babe

Pretty Baby: yes and now we will never mention the bleached hair EVER again

Hotch: It’s worse than the boyband hair. It’s somehow worse than Morgan’s Justin Timberlake hair. I think it beats Emily’s awful middle school dye jobs too.

Pretty Baby sent a photo.

Pretty Baby:  [ https://pin.it/1AiKOky ](https://pin.it/1AiKOky)

Pretty Baby: done?

Hotch: Where did you get that?

Baby Girl: me

DerBear: why was hotch kind of… hot?

Lesbo: HE WAS THAT’S HELLA CUTE LOVE THE HAIR

JJ: oh damn he was kinda hot.

Hotch: I was the first to get married and have a kid and you’re shocked I was attractive?

Pretty Baby: to be fair i did also freak out when i first saw it

Baby Girl: he said, and i quote, “oh fUCK not my type but honestly i’d switch my type for this version of hotch”

Pretty Baby: wHORE

Baby Girl: oH?

Pretty Baby: nO WAIT I’M SORRY PLEASE DON’T SEND ANY MORE

DerBear: god why do you have so many embarrassing photos

Pretty Baby: i’m yOUNG AND STUPID

Baby Girl: this one is harmless i think you look super cute

Baby Girl sent a photo.

Baby Girl:  [ https://pin.it/7kualSZ ](https://pin.it/7kualSZ)

Lesbo: ew what are you drinking

Pretty Baby: kale smoothie

Pretty Baby: to be fair that one was like two months ago and derek made me drink it because “your bones are too fragile, i could flick you and your ribs would crack”

Baby Girl: awww he really does take care of you

Pretty Baby: no that smoothie was the grossest thing i’ve ever had

Pretty Baby: wait ?? derek took that!! where did u get that!!???

Baby Girl: i can hack into of any of your guys’ camera rolls in a matter of seconds

JJ: PG??

Baby Girl: i only do it when i have to

Hotch: Which is never. That’s highly inappropriate and also highly ILLEGAL.

Baby Girl: does anyone have any serious objections?

Lesbo: nah

JJ: not really, works out in my favor so far.

DerBear: no you can look at any of my photos anytime

Pretty Baby: i’m upset by it but it’s not like i’m gonna take you to court for sending pictures of me in college 

Pretty Baby: just like,,, stay out of a couple of my photo albums please

Baby Girl: you mean the one called “D’s DPics” or “My Future Husband” ??

DerBear: wHAT????

Hotch removed Baby Girl from the chat.

Penelope Garcia entered the chat.

Penelope Garcia changed her nickname to “BB Girl”.

BB Girl: i’ll be good, i’m sorry

Pretty Baby: you’re my least favorite right now

BB Girl: ://

Pretty Baby: make it up to me with a scone?

BB Girl: blueberry scone en route 

Pretty Baby: <3 emily is back to last place

Lesbo: you wHORE WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU

Pretty Baby: ,,, r u joking?

Lesbo: NO!

Lesbo: well firstly you just called me a whore so jot that down 

DerBear: okay so picture this 

DerBear: it’s me vs dwayne johnson

Lesbo: he wins 

DerBear: no i’m not done

Lesbo: he wins 

DerBear: i haven’t finished 

Lesbo: dwayne “the rock” johnson would kick your ass

DerBear: let me say the whole thing

JJ: dwayne would win

DerBear: okay but hold on cause i haven’t said the whole thing

Hotch: You would lose. Badly.

DerBear: nO CAUSE HOLD ON

Pretty Baby: derek please

Pretty Baby: you’ve been talking about this for so long i just want to take a fucking nap please babe

DerBear: NO I WON’T STOP CAUSE OKAY SO IN THIS SCENARIO HE IS BLINDFOLDED RIGHT? AND I AM ALSO BLINDFOLDED BUT I’VE TRAINED WITH OTHER SENSES SO I CAN HEAR THE PUNCHES COMING

Pretty Baby: that’s not even possible derek please i am begging you to get into the fucking bed

DerBear: bUT HYPOTHETICALLY I WOULD WIN!??

Pretty Baby: whatever i have to say to get you to lay down is what i’ll say 

DerBear: say i’d win!!

Lesbo: you want him to lie to your face?

DerBear: you’re my least favorite too, prentiss

Lesbo: last name terms!!?? :(

JJ: apologize or i’ll cut your dick off

DerBear: ??

Pretty Baby: i’m gonna start praying to a god i don’t believe in that someone, ANYONE, lays next to me in this bed soon

DerBear: not fucking sean tho

Hotch: Who?

Pretty Baby: my god please i am so tired

DerBear: ur brother sean who spencer admitted he totally had a crush on waaaaayyyy back when

Hotch: My brother? My brother Sean? Sean Hotchner? My brother?

Lesbo: is he broken??

Pretty Baby: for ONE WEEK like 5 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS JUST LEARNING I WAS GAY

Hotch: He’s been to jail. You know that, right?

Pretty Baby: fuck please hotch i am so tired please 

Pretty Baby: it was for one week i thought he was attractive and then i talked to him and then i was over him

Hotch: I can’t believe you thought my brother was attractive.

Pretty Baby: five years ago

Hotch: Still.

Pretty Baby: christ 

Pretty Baby: next person to text this group chat is getting shot in the head with an automatic

Pretty Baby: goodnight

JJ: who wants to see a picture of my son making cookies?

DerBear: i’ll be playing the role of dorky godfather while he’s taking a shower

DerBear: !! me !! i do !! show it to me !! let me see it !!

JJ: that was eerily good.

JJ sent a photo.

BB Girl: aww he is cute

Hotch: Not as cute as my son at his winter concert.

Hotch sent a photo.

JJ: don’t make this a fight, hotchner, you’ll lose.

Hotch: I won’t lose but I also don’t make it a fight.

Pretty Baby: !!! look at those cute little babies !!! they both look so excited and henry with flour in his hair and jack with his crooked bow tie !! is it a real bow tie or a clip-on?

Hotch: You think that I would send my child out in front of people wearing a clip-on bow tie? Really?

Pretty Baby: i mean, yeah, kinda 

Hotch: You’re right. I can’t tie a bow tie. 

DerBear: you can’t?? it’s so easy!

Pretty Baby: don’t listen to him he’s hell bent on causing trouble because he’s bored 

DerBear: you’re saying that because you can’t tie ties either

Pretty Baby: you suck i don’t like you

Lesbo: okay children let’s settle down

Pretty Baby: you’re undeniably the most childish of all of us 

Lesbo: i can tie a tie 

Pretty Baby: 🖕🏻

Lesbo: cute

Hotch: Stop daring Spencer to do things.

Lesbo: but he’s so foolish it feels wrong not to take advantage 

DerBear: it kills me to say this but i agree with hotch 

DerBear: he has no self control and he’s going to end up dead if you don’t cut it out 

Hotch: You dared him to chug a pot of coffee, Derek.

DerBear: yeah that one's on me for assuming he’d know what a joke is

DerBear: but from here forward i don’t want to hear “i dare you to” even ONCE directed towards my boyfriend and soon to be fiancé 

Pretty Baby: how soon?

DerBear: i dare you to stop asking me that every day 

Pretty Baby: sorry not allowed to accept dares anymore 

Pretty Baby: how soon

  
  
  



	25. Aqua Man (again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more of the same, derek gets a little insecure and spencer assures him he’s being stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay okay!! they’re going to get engaged soon!! i have an idea stolen from another fic i wrote that i think is so cute but i don’t want to just force it in so be patient with me!! in the meantime thanks for reading and enjoy more dc slander!

D_Morgan: proposing on valentine’s day is too cheesy, it’s just not me

A_Hotchner: If you’re implying that you’re not cheesy I’m going to have to stop you there.

D_Morgan: okay yeah i’m a romantic but i’m not that cliche 

A_Hotchner: Yes, you are.

D_Morgan: okay whatever the point is that i’m not going to propose on valentine’s day 

A_Hotchner: Alright? There are plenty of other days. Why not just pick a Tuesday?

D_Morgan: you’re worse than prentiss 

D_Morgan: it’s a marriage proposal not a business proposal! i’m asking him to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me

A_Hotchner: He’s already said yes.

D_Morgan: it’s the principle of the thing!!

D_Morgan: i want to have this whole big fancy dinner with his favorite food and dessert and his favorite movie even though it’s in russian and i want it to be special and be a story we can happily tell our children about

A_Hotchner: You could send him a text right now and it’d still work.

A_Hotchner: But let me be clear that if you propose to him over text or call or email I will kill you and your body will not be found.

D_Morgan: ur so scary dude

A_Hotchner: Correct.

D_Morgan: but i guess you’ve got a point i just 

D_Morgan: it has to be perfect 

D_Morgan: if it’s not perfect he’ll say no

A_Hotchner: You have to know that’s not true.

D_Morgan: realistically yes but

D_Morgan: hotch what if i mess it up? what if i got this far and i spent this many years just so deeply IN LOVE with him and we get to the finish line and he decides i’m too loud or too dumb or i haven’t read enough books

**Engagement?**

Aaron Hotchner: Spencer, he’s worried you’re not going to accept his proposal.

Pretty Boy: how could he possibly think that?

Pretty Boy: have i not made it clear enough?

Pretty Boy: derek??

DerBear: you have, you really have

Pretty Boy: because you’re it for me, derek

Pretty Boy: if i don’t marry you then i’m not getting married 

Pretty Boy: ever

DerBear: but do you really want to marry me? or do you just feel like you should?

Pretty Boy: okay i’m gonna bare my soul for you and my honorary father to see 

Pretty Boy: for 25 years i didn’t date anyone, not one person

Pretty Boy: not a silly fake girlfriend in second grade or an awkward fumbling middle school boyfriend

Pretty Boy: no one

Pretty Boy: and then you

Pretty Boy: and i love you

Pretty Boy: i love you so much

Pretty Boy: derek it’s you and it’s always going to be you and i’d rather die than have it be anyone else

Pretty Boy: when i said i’d marry you in a dumpster i meant it

Pretty Boy: but i want to marry you if it’s the last thing i do, okay? 

Pretty Boy: so this stupid insecurity thing that’s happening is so ridiculous and unnecessary and just

Pretty Boy: you’re a smart guy and this is a stupid thing and it doesn’t suit you

Pretty Boy: so if and when you propose 

Pretty Boy: the answer is yes

Pretty Boy: it’s always going to be yes

Pretty Boy: …

Pretty Boy: … der?

Aaron Hotchner: Derek?

DerBear: i’m here

DerBear: just thinking about how blessed i am to have you

DerBear: we’re gonna get engaged, soon

Pretty Boy: how soon?

DerBear: soon

BB Girl: who wants to dye my hair purple after work? 💜💜

Lesbo: last time i helped you dye your hair my hands were red for two weeks

Lesbo: i looked like an unsub 

JJ: it scared me every time i saw them

DerBear: baby g i’d love to but spencer and i are busy

Pretty Baby: we are? what are we doing? 

BB Girl: my liar senses are tingling and you just don’t want to dye my hair

DerBear: we could be doing something, you wouldn’t know 

BB Girl: so can i come over at 7?

DerBear: and let you stain our bathroom? no

Pretty Baby: we can be over at 6:30 but no drinking and we can’t spend the night

BB Girl: ugh rules? what are we? soldiers?

Pretty Baby: sir yes sir ;)

Lesbo: EW

JJ: ugh gross 

DerBear: that’s my baby

Lesbo: collect your boyfriend and teach him some manners

Pretty Baby: i said sir twice how much more mannered could i be??

Lesbo: i’ve decided to be homophobic today

Lesbo: get the gays out of here

JJ: the entire chat would be gone.

Hotch: That’s a good plan, Emily. I agree.

DerBear: why u always lurking man

BB Girl: okay i know he’s captain america/iron man but he’s kinda got batman vibes sometimes

Pretty Baby: 🤢🤢 dc 🤢🤢🤢

BB Girl: aqua man

Pretty Baby: i couldn’t care less about aqua man

Pretty Baby: i like jason NOT aqua man

DerBear: i’m jealous

JJ: you should be 

BB Girl: ^^^

Pretty Baby: you have nothing to worry about

Pretty Baby: unless of course i ever see him in which case we’re coworkers and nothing more

DerBear: you’re going to pay dearly for that sweetheart 

Pretty Baby: :0 

Pretty Baby: :) try me 

~

Pretty Baby: HIYCH HELO HE WONY PUR ME DOWWN 

Lesbo: @Hotch translate 

Hotch: “Hotch help he won’t put me down”

Hotch: No.

Pretty Baby: ?? DADD PLEZE

Hotch: I’ve been seeing a lot of foul language from you lately so I think this feels well deserved.

Pretty Baby: BITCH

Hotch: @DerBear Lock him in the bathroom or something.

JJ: endorsing violence? oh how you’ve changed

Hotch: I’ve aged more in the last 6 months than the previous 39 and a half years and it’s his fault.

Pretty Baby: DEREK I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON’T LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU’RE GOING TO GET MURDERED AND NEVER FOUND

DerBear: aww hotch said a very similar thing just yesterday

DerBear: like father like son

Pretty Baby: DEREK MORGAN

BB Girl: oh wait that reminds me !!

BB Girl: who’s taking who’s last name or you guys going to hyphen?

DerBear: mama wants him to take morgan but i think we’re going to hyphen with morgan first so it’ll be spencer PERSEUS morgan-reid

DerBear: and derek morgan-reid

DerBear: but doesn’t spencer morgan have such a cute little ring to it

BB Girl: it does !! it’s so cute!! and derek reid just sounds awkward i don’t like that at all

DerBear: what do u think baby? hyphen or morgan?

Pretty Baby: i think that the second i get out of here i’m going to PUNCH YOU UNTIL YOU BLEED

DerBear: i’d like to see you try

DerBear: thoughts?

Pretty Baby: i like the hyphen but i want to take ur last name

Pretty Baby: mine doesn’t have more than one good person attached to it and yours has a bunch, plus morgan means sea protector (or it’s name it was derived from does) which i think is really cool 

Pretty Baby: cooler than reid which literally just means red 

DerBear: morgan it is, then <3

Lesbo: spencer are you gonna be the annoying loser i've always known you to be and turn to me every time i say morgan even though you can clearly determine i’m talking to derek?

Pretty Baby: yeah :)

Pretty Baby: now someone get me out of this fucking bathroom i have WORK TO DO

Hotch: 5 more minutes. Things are actually getting done without your distractions.

Pretty Baby: mY DISTRACTIONS?

Pretty Baby: i was doing PERFECTLY FINE until DEREK picked me up and put me in time out !!

Hotch: 10 more minutes.

Pretty Baby: AHHHHHH

Lesbo: okay everyone respond with ur favorite song or music artist(s) rn 

JJ: lizzo

BB Girl: oh my goodness i LOVEEEE lizzo

BB Girl: taylor swift !! 

Hotch: The Police. Yes, I see the irony and no, I don’t think it’s funny.

DerBear: lmao but it is funny

DerBear: spence is going through a the neighborhood phase which means that i’m going through a the neighborhood phase because we live together

Pretty Baby: we also like frank ocean!!

Lesbo: the “we” is gross and unnecessary 

JJ: she’s just jealous because i didn’t say that “we” listen to lizzo 

Lesbo: um no “we” listen to girl in red because “we” are lesbians 

Pretty Baby: der is that the girl with the girls song??

DerBear: yes and she has the bad idea song that you make me hide the cover of when we listen to it 

Pretty Baby: it’s inappropriate !!

Lesbo: it’s art

BB Girl: ^

JJ: ^^

DerBear: i respect the dedication to a good album cover but for the sake of his innocence i keep the post-it notes OVER the titties 

Pretty Baby: ew don’t say that 

DerBear: boobs

Pretty Baby: that’s better

DerBear: chest meat sacs 

Pretty Baby: EW I SAID BOOBS WAS BETTER

JJ: it is so clear to me that spencer has never been with a woman. can you imagine if she tried to sleep with him and he talked about her the way he talks about women to us?

Lesbo: he really would just say “nice… boobs…. ma’am”

Pretty Baby: i would NOT

JJ: your décolletage looks magnificent this evening m’lady.

Pretty Baby: sTOP IT I WOULDN’T DO THAT EITHER

Hotch: Charming chest you have, madame.

Pretty Baby: UR MY DAD SHUT UP I HATE YOU

BB Girl: no no imagine the exact opposite!!! “nice tits, bitch”

Lesbo: NOOOOO HE WOULD TOTALLY READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT DIRTY TALK AND TAKE IT TOO FAR

Pretty Baby: STOP :(

DerBear: okay that’s enough girls (and hotch)

DerBear: he is perfect exactly as he is and he’s very good at what he does, no help of articles needed

Pretty Baby: not exactly what i was hoping for but i’ll take it, thank you

DerBear: i love you baby boy

Pretty Baby: 😳😳

DerBear: **pretty boy

Pretty Baby: 😳😳😳

Pretty Baby: i love you too

Pretty Baby: 😳😳

DerBear: don’t make this a thing 

Pretty Baby: 😳😳 don’t make what a thing? 😳😳

DerBear: christ 


	26. Finally (Engagement)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cute moreid moments and they finally get engaged <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay okay they're finally engaged i promise, and now we get to plan a wedding !!

Pretty Baby: stranded @ library, pick me up?

Handsome: told you not to take the bus :(

Pretty Baby: pls hurry it’s raining 

Handsome: umbrella??

Pretty Baby: maurice (she’s the short one with red hair) said she wanted to take her chances walking home so i gave her my umbrella 

Handsome: you’re amazing

Handsome: leaving now, can you wait inside?

Pretty Baby: she closed the library, i’ll be the one with a soaking wet newspaper over my head

Handsome: <3 i’ll be fast 

Pretty Baby: and safe

Handsome: always safe

~

Handsome: where are you?? 

Pretty Baby: sorry i walked a little boy down a couple blocks bc he couldn’t see well in the rain and i didn’t want him getting lost 

Pretty Baby: he made it, i’m almost back 

Pretty Baby: i’ll be the one with the green froggy umbrella because he didn’t want to send me out in the rain without one

Handsome: i see you, you look ridiculous

Pretty Baby: :P

Handsome: what do you want for dinner?

Pretty Baby: are you cooking??!

Handsome: depends on what you want

Pretty Baby: your skill set ends at grilled cheese, doesn’t it?

Handsome: you’re so mean to me

Handsome: we can do homemade pizza? or some pasta with garlic bread?

Pretty Baby: garlic bread,,,,,

Handsome: are you a vampire? yes, garlic bread

Pretty Baby: i’ll bite you

Handsome: i dare you

Handsome: go buy some sauce, whatever kind you like

Pretty Baby: i can’t, it’s daylight and i’ll burn 

Handsome changed Pretty Baby’s nickname to “Pretty Vampire”.

Handsome: bring a sun hat

Pretty Vampire: i own a parasol 

Handsome: ?? why ?? ur so weird 

Pretty Vampire: 🧛🏻 hiss 

Handsome: ur a dork

Handsome: sauce

Pretty Vampire: i’m going now

Pretty Vampire: hailey

Handsome: you want to name our kid after hotch’s ex-wife?

Handsome: harley 

Pretty Vampire: you want to name our kid after a motorcycle?

Handsome: jason

Pretty Vampire: no

Pretty Vampire: olive?

Handsome: as a pizza topping or a name?

Pretty Vampire: point made

Handsome: caroline 

Pretty Vampire: rossi ex-wife

Handsome: god why did he have to get married so many times? it ruins like 8 more names 

Pretty Vampire: and garcia’s ex’s too

Handsome: what’s your mother’s middle name?

Pretty Vampire: trying to hack into my back account?

Pretty Vampire: it’s renee

Handsome: that’s really pretty, i like that 

Pretty Vampire: me too

Pretty Vampire: your mom’s is marie, right? renee marie morgan 

Handsome: that’s perfect

Handsome: i wish we were having a baby

Pretty Vampire: yeah, me too 

Pretty Vampire: i think most teenagers come with their names already hehe

Handsome: maybe we could adopt a baby when we’re ready for kids 

Pretty Vampire: i could get a teaching job instead and take some time off until they’re old enough for school 

Handsome: you’d leave the bureau to raise our kid?

Pretty Vampire: without a second thought about it, yes 

Handsome: god i am so in love with you 

Pretty Vampire: yeah i’d hope so

Handsome: :-|

Pretty Vampire: i’m in love with you too loser

Handsome: what if we had a boy?

Pretty Vampire: i know you love your father but we’re not naming our son hank

Handsome: his middle name is ulysses so hank is arguably the better option 

Pretty Vampire: i guess we just hope we get a girl, then 

Handsome: terrence

Pretty Vampire: no

Pretty Vampire: carson

Handsome: no

Handsome: micheal?

Handsome: flat tire on the side of the freeway, i’ll be home a little late 

Pretty Vampire: did you call AAA?

Handsome: believe it or not i can change a tire 

Pretty Vampire: oh

Pretty Vampire: should i know how to do that? should you teach me?

Handsome: nah, you need a reason to keep me around and part-time mechanic works 

Pretty Vampire: handy man, too 

Handsome: hehe handy-some

Pretty Vampire: oh that’s just awful

Handsome: what!! that was great !!

Pretty Vampire: you’re so bad at word-play

Handsome: better than you!!

Pretty Vampire: my mom was a linguistics professor so undeniably i am more qualified than you to be good at word-play

Handsome: more qualified does not equal better and we both know that 

Pretty Vampire: i’m gonna eat your wantons

Handsome: do not eat my wantons or i’ll never propose to you 

Pretty Vampire: gasp 

Pretty Vampire sent a photo.

Handsome: whore

Pretty Vampire: ;)

Handsome: 5 minutes out 

Pretty Vampire: blue shirt or purple shirt?

Handsome: i’m wearing red

Pretty Vampire: ugh they’ll both clash

Handsome: i can change into my blue one but i don’t have a nice tie for it so i’ll have to go without a tie 

Pretty Vampire: i have that dark gray one with the navy stripes 

Handsome: are we the kind of couple that shares clothes?

Pretty Vampire: we’re going to be the kind of couple that show up 15 minutes into the ceremony if you don’t put a fucking tie on soon 

Handsome: come into the bedroom and i’ll make it 20 minutes ;)

Pretty Vampire: …

Pretty Vampire: you’ve got 5 minutes 

~

Pretty Vampire: if i’m the vampire why do i have your teeth marks on my neck 

Handsome: it’s contagious 

Pretty Vampire: you’re so stupid 

Pretty Vampire: taxi’s here

Handsome: do you want to get a haircut?

Pretty Vampire: ??

Handsome: coupon for 50% off expires on sunday and i’m not gonna use it cause,,, ya know 

Pretty Vampire: ur bald 

Handsome: i’ll shave ur head 

Pretty Vampire: you won’t 

Pretty Vampire: i’ll use it, leave it on the fridge 

~

Handsome: men’s warehouse sale, wanna go?

Pretty Vampire: yesss

~

Pretty Vampire: JJ’s making me go with to get her nails done please entertain me 

Handsome: tell me about the origin of something

Pretty Vampire: origin of me saying “no, thank you” comes from this strange woman trying to paint my fingernails 

Handsome: let her, get a nice purple or something 

Pretty Vampire: help she won’t leave me alone and jj’s encouraging her 

Handsome: get a manicure

Pretty Vampire: hhh

Pretty Vampire: ur right i’m a pushover 

Handsome: did you get a cute color at least?

Pretty Vampire: i thought about getting a soft pink but decided against it, they’re just shiny and clear 

Handsome: send a picture

Pretty Vampire sent a photo.

Handsome: cute baby

Pretty Vampire: 🥰🥰

Handsome: dinner at rossi’s tonight?

Pretty Vampire: what’s the occasion?

Handsome: i think he’s just lonely cause he’s not in the gc 

Pretty Vampire: which is his fault entirely 

Handsome: yeah 

Handsome: we’ll be there?

Pretty Vampire: yeah 

~

Handsome: need to drop this package off at the post office

Pretty Vampire: what is it?

Handsome: gift for a buddy i went to college with for his birthday

Pretty Vampire: okay, do you want me to come with?

Handsome: i think i can handle it, finish getting ready <3

~

Pretty Vampire: i told you not to drive without a spare, idiot 

Handsome: i know i’m sorry 

Handsome: i’ll get it towed to rossi’s and we’ll take care of it after dinner. i’ll call you a car.

Pretty Vampire: hhhhh

Pretty Vampire: yeah okay 

~

Pretty Vampire: wait

Pretty Vampire: derek the car looks fine

Pretty Vampire: derek?

Pretty Vampire: oh fuck 

Pretty Vampire: derek 

**Garcia’s Groupies**

Pretty Baby: so how many of you knew beforehand?

JJ: he asked me if i thought you’d hate a proposal in front of people so i knew.

Lesbo: and she told me the second she knew

BB Girl: i didn’t get to know :(

Pretty Baby: you would’ve told me

BB Girl: yeah :((

Hotch: Most of it was my idea.

DerBear: lies!

DerBear: he helped with details but the idea to propose to you at rossi’s and on this specific day was entirely me

Hotch: Okay so who helped you figure out how to convince him to get a haircut and dress nice and drive here alone?

DerBear: shut up i don’t have to please you anymore i’m engaged to your son and there’s nothing you can do about it 

Pretty Baby: engaged :)

DerBear: sure are, baby

DerBear changed Pretty Baby’s nickname to “Fiancé”.

Fiancé: but you’re also a fiancé !! mine !!

DerBear changed Fiancé’s nickname to “Pretty Fiancé”.

Pretty Fiancé: ur pretty too 🥺

DerBear changed his nickname to “Handsome Fiancé”.

Pretty Fiancé: are you saying i’m not handsome?

Hotch changed Pretty Fiancé’s nickname to “Dumb”.

Hotch changed Handsome Fiancé’s nickname to “Dumber”.

Dumb: i have 5 degrees

Dumber: i have no complaints because this is true

Hotch: You can have better nicknames when you’ve earned them.

BB Girl: have you guys thought about the wedding at all?

Dumber: ummm no?

Dumb: oh shit did we name our hypothetical children before we planned a wedding we knew we were having??

Dumber: lmao i think we did

Dumb: of course we did

Dumb: but really i’d marry you anywhere, i don’t care what our wedding is like

BB Girl: i do!

BB Girl: your wedding is going to be so spectacular it’s going to make princess diana’s wedding look like a garbage fire

JJ: how dare you say that about a royal wedding?

Hotch: It couldn’t possibly be worse than mine.

Lesbo: shotgun weddings be like that

JJ: em

Hotch: She’s right. I was wearing jeans and a crewneck at my wedding.

Dumber: if i see one pair of jeans at my wedding we’re getting married at city hall and none of you can come with

Dumb: what if i wanted to wear jeans?

Dumber: then i suppose i’m going to get married without you

Dumb: :(

BB Girl: you guys suggested a library wedding, yes? 

Dumber: hold on baby girl i’ve got a better idea, check ur pm’s

BB Girl: oh that’s much better!

Dumb: ?? it’s my wedding !! i had the engagement hidden from me, don’t i get to at least plan my wedding??

Dumber changed his nickname to “Der”.

Der changed Dumb’s nickname to “Pence”.

Pence: noooo i hate when other people call me that it’s so icky

Pence: just for you, no one else 

Pence: and henry when he couldn’t say his s’s very well

Der changed Pence’s nickname to “Spence”.

Spence: better

Spence: please let me help plan my wedding

Der: you can help with most of it but venue is secret

Spence: did you already tell everyone but me?

Der: i didn’t

BB Girl: i did :) you’re going to love it i promise

Spence: do you guys have a group chat without me?

Der: that’s a good idea, we’ll do that

Spence: noooo

Derek Morgan added Aaron Hotchner, Jennifer Jareau, Emily Prentiss, and Penelope Garcia to a chat.

Derek Morgan named the chat “Wedding Plans”.

Derek Morgan changed his nickname to “Husband”.

Husband: smithsonian american art museum

Aaron Hotchner changed his nickname to “Father”.

Father: It’s a good idea. He’ll like that a lot but it’s going to be very expensive.

Penelope Garcia changed her nickname to “Penelope”.

Penelope: we’ll make it work

Jennifer Jareau changed her nickname to “Blonde Sister”.

Blonde Sister: we can cut down on the decorations a bit to make room in the budget

Emily Prentiss changed her nickname to “Not Helpful”.

Not Helpful: i’m just here to make sarcastic comments

Father: So your usual role, then.

Father: Have you told your mother yet, Derek?

Husband: uhhhhh

Father: If she finds out that I knew you didn’t tell her and I didn’t immediately call her, she’ll kill me. Call her now.

Husband: mmm

Father: Now.

Husband: yeah i’m calling

Husband: she’s excited

Husband: and you’re right, angry

Father: Did you rat me out?

Husband: no, i’m going to hold it over you for a while

Father: The idea that you’re going to be my honorary son-in-law makes me feel genuinely sick.

Husband: me too

Blonde Sister: have you thought about food at all?

Husband: obviously not

Penelope: little sandwiches!

Husband: that’s so basic

Not Helpful: serve foods that are meant to be eaten with chopsticks

Husband: that’d be hilarious

Husband: i’m not going to do it but the idea of him just floundering (pun intended) all over would be hilarious

Father: Breakfast foods?

Husband: that’s a great idea

Husband: you’re very smart

Father: I am.

Penelope: what colors are you going to do?

Husband: guys i got engaged like two hours ago

Husband: just give me one minute

Handsome: what colors do we want?

Pretty Vampire: mmm can we have purple please??

Handsome: we can have anything you want :)

Pretty Vampire: god i can’t believe i get to marry you

Pretty Vampire: you’re going to be my husband

Pretty Vampire: hUSBAND

Handsome: yeah :)

Handsome: any specific purples?

Pretty Vampire: mulberry purple

Handsome: ooh that’s pretty

Pretty Vampire: and with some nice gold accents?

Handsome: you could be a wedding planner

Pretty Vampire: yeah and i would be if you’d let me PLAN MY WEDDING

Handsome: i promise you’re going to love it, sweetheart

Handsome: and you’ll know all about it when we’re picking the date and vendors and everything, i just want to make sure it’s set so i can surprise you with it :)

Pretty Vampire: okay okay i’ll stop asking

Handsome: no you won’t

Pretty Vampire: no, i won’t


	27. Pigeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more general moreid things, briefly chaotic emily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took agesss i’ve been so busy!! hopefully more soon :) thanks for all the love <3

Hotch: Derek, where is Spencer?

Der: mmm

Hotch: Derek.

Der: is he gonna get in trouble?

Hotch: That depends on where he is, how much trouble he’s caused, and how quickly you tell me.

Der: mmmmmm

Der: briefing room, none, i crack like an egg so it usually takes less than a minute 

Hotch: Why is he asleep on the couch?

Der: tired baby 🥺🥺

Hotch: Derek.

Der: he was up all night making a pinterest board for our wedding and texting mama

Hotch: How late is all night?

Der: he was still awake when i woke up 

Der: i told him to stay home today and i’d call if we got a case but he snuck out while i was in the shower and waited in the car for me

Lesbo: can i see how many chips i can stack on him before he wakes up?

JJ: no.

Der: no

Hotch: No.

Hotch: You should go home early and take a couple days off. You’re engaged now, take a small vacation before everything gets too hectic.

Der: aaron hotchner? telling someone to take a break?? the irony is baffling 

Der: i told him we should take the week but he said he wanted to be around friends this week and we could go next week so i’m looking for a place for us to go before we have to spend our life savings on a wedding 

Hotch: I take plenty of breaks.

Hotch: How about a trip to New York? Spend a week in a nice hotel but if you get lonely we’re nearby.

Der: when was the last time you did something for fun that didn’t involve jack?

BB Girl: he went on a date last week

Lesbo: whaaaaat

Hotch: Penelope.

BB Girl: i’m backing you up!!

Der: with who? swimming instructor?

Hotch: His name is Noah and we went on two dates.

JJ: way to go hotch!

Lesbo: date three is for 👉🏻👌🏻

JJ: she’s so weird i don’t know why she’s like this

Der: so they went well?? 

BB Girl: noah said he’s very hopeful for a third date 

Hotch: I don’t want to discuss this.

Der: please i’m dying to know and with my ~fiancé~ asleep i need something to keep me entertained

Hotch: You have a job. In the FBI. You’re a FEDERAL AGENT.

Der: where was the first date?

BB Girl: fancy restaurant near d.c.

Hotch: Jefferson’s.

Der: oooh that’s very fancy, they have valet and everything there 

Der: so it went well enough to encourage a second date?

Hotch: Given that we went on a second date, I’d have to assume so.

Der: you’re so sassy when you’re in a relationship 

Hotch: I’m not in a relationship. Two dates isn’t a relationship.

Lesbo: is he a good kisser?

JJ: is he?

Hotch: I don’t want to talk about this.

Der: 1-10?

Hotch: If I answer will you leave me alone?

Der: yes

Lesbo: maybe 

JJ: she means yes 

Hotch: Fine.

Hotch: 7 ½ 

Der: mmm you can do better 

Hotch: He’s boring and I don’t plan to go on a third date with him.

BB Girl: awwww

BB Girl: okay next up is weston 

BB Girl: he’s 38, no kids, never married, works as a cop?

Hotch: I agreed to go out with ONE person you suggested and I did that so now it’s done. 

Der: okay my turn to set you up

Der: her name is lila and she’s blonde and my FIANCÉ made OUT WITH HER

Spence: sHUT UP NO I DIDN’T

JJ: why else would you be so close to her in the pool then?

Spence: bECAUSE SHE WAS GOING TO GET KILLED IF I DIDN’T COVER HER YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK

Spence: IM GOING BACK TO BED

Der: nooo baby come back i love you we’re just joking 

Der: we know you could never be attracted to a woman 

Spence: 😑

Der: i’m sorry you know i love to make fun of you but it’s out of love i love you so much 

Spence: maybe this is all an elaborate prank and you really hate me 

Der: let’s go ahead and stop that before it gets too far, sweetheart

Lesbo: he’s sickeningly in love with you 

Der: i wouldn’t say sickeningly 

Lesbo: i would 

Lesbo: you texted jj everyday for like three weeks (taking her attention away from ME) to ask about proposal details and ring sizes and blah blah blah

Der: pardon me for being WORRIED

Spence: you were really worried? 🥺🥺 even after we talked?

Der: of course

Der: ur so lucky you didn’t have to propose to me it’s so scary baby

Spence: i wANTED TO

Spence: LIKE SO BAD BUT YOU SAID NOT TO 

Der: i wanted to get to propose to you :)

Lesbo: gross 

JJ: why don’t we talk about something else for once?

Spence: okay what’s going on in your life guys 

Lesbo: jj 

JJ: em

Der: can we talk about us more now?

Hotch: How about everyone does their jobs instead.

BB Girl: boooringgggg

Hotch: I’m muting all of you.

Der: someone help me force him to take a vacation with me

Der: hotch u can suspend him right?

Hotch: Not without reason.

Der: mmmm make something up 

Der: cause i’m getting a room for three days starting on monday

Der: and i don’t want to go alone 

BB Girl: ooh i’ll go with you !!

Der: as much as i adore you 

Der: i was hoping my future husband would come with me

Spence: we have jobs and we took a vacation like a few weeks ago and i slept through most of the work day on wednesday

Hotch: You’ve more than earned a break, Spencer. 

Der: and also me ?

Hotch: You’re a side effect.

Der: :-/

Spence: when did we switch to adding noses? it’s odd :-) but i like it 

Spence: :—) long nose cause big noses are beautiful too 

BB Girl: that’s right they are 

BB Girl: everyone is gorgeous!!

Lesbo: not men 

BB Girl: men included, unfortunately 

BB Girl: if i could be a lesbian i would be 

Spence: but then we couldn’t talk about guys together :-(

Der: you talk about guys together?

BB Girl: don’t worry he only ever talks about you 

Spence: sometimes i talk about other things !!

Der: like…?

BB Girl: just you, he only talks about you 

BB Girl: he likes talking about ur forearms and thighs mostly 

Der: oh ? 

Spence: friendship with garcia ended

Spence: now taking applications for new gossip best friend

Lesbo: oh whaaat i’ll take it!

Spence: you have to apply for it 

Lesbo: okay hold up

Lesbo: i’m gay, i’m in a relationship, i love drama, i’m usually wine drunk, i come with a chauffeur (jj), and i can get you into our home to play with henry any time of day 

Spence: you’ll hear back in 3-5 business minutes 

Spence: accepted. congratulations, you’re my new best friend!

Lesbo: hell yeahhhh

BB Girl: :—(

Spence: :( 

BB Girl: 🥺🥺🥺❤️❤️

Spence: 🙄

Spence: ❤️

BB Girl: 🥰🥰😘

Hotch: What?

Pretty Vampire: hlp out f shampo

Handsome: are you in the shower right now??

Pretty Vampire: :-(

Handsome: you’re so ridiculous i love you, i’ll run down to the store but im stopping for a snack 

Pretty Vampire: dick

Handsome: :-)

Handsome: what are ur favorite flowers?

Pretty Vampire: baby’s breath, violets, tiger lillies

Handsome: first two would look nice for our wedding?

Pretty Vampire: you don’t have any favorite flowers?

Handsome: ur my favorite flower 

Pretty Vampire: 🥺🥺

Handsome: give me a kiss 

Pretty Vampire: oki 

Handsome: why is there sandwich meat on top of the fridge?? it’s in the package but why is it there?

Pretty Vampire: oh no 

Pretty Vampire: i think there’s probably a loaf of bread in our fridge 

Handsome: … yep

Handsome: we’re growing old together faster than i thought we would 

Pretty Vampire: <3

Pretty Vampire: hey der

Handsome: yes sweetness?

Pretty Vampire: did u put a bookmark in the book i was reading last night?

Handsome: ?? yeah ? i didn’t want u 2 lose ur place 

Pretty Vampire: i wish we weren’t engaged so i could propose to you 

Pretty Vampire: you’re so stupid and i love you so much

Handsome: i feel like i’m missing something 

Pretty Vampire: honey i couldn’t forget the page i was on even if i wanted to 

Pretty Vampire: i’ve never used a bookmark, i don’t even know where you got this one?

Handsome: it’s a receipt folded into those little origami frogs you like to make

Pretty Vampire: fuck

Pretty Vampire: i am so in love with you derek morgan 

Handsome: yeah?

Pretty Vampire: yeah

Handsome: me too

A_Hotchner: Have you convinced him to take some time off?

D_Morgan: yeah, just picked out our hotel

A_Hotchner: Good. Have fun.

D_Morgan: thank you

D_Morgan: let me know how your date with cecilia goes

A_Hotchner: What?

D_Morgan: you wrote her name in your planner 

D_Morgan: total rookie move

A_Hotchner: You’re awful.

D_Morgan: yep

BB Girl: okay so everyone list their souvenirs so they don’t forget !!

BB Girl: i want something that shines or has glitter!!

JJ: anything that says new york 

Hotch: Agreed.

Lesbo: pigeon 

Der: emily 

Lesbo: pigeon

Spence: do u have a cage to keep it in? cause im not holding into a pigeon for that entire drive when i KNOW it has diseases

Lesbo: dude just grab a non-diseased pigeon instead??

Spence: are you implying there’s a visual difference?

Lesbo: find one that doesn’t look sick 

Spence: you’re getting a key chain

Lesbo: ?? i have like two keys ??

Spence: i know


	28. Hotch/Emotions (ft. Spencer/Vodka)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hotch is father, spencer is son, derek is so tired, emily wants a pigeon, sea monkeys mentioned for some reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really don’t know what happened here,,, :-) some human emotions for a brief moment but covered quickly by alcohol and oily birds

Hotch: Look at my son.

Hotch sent 3 photos.

JJ: awww!

Lesbo: is his head in a bucket?

Hotch: Yes.

Lesbo: and you just took a picture instead of helping?

Lesbo: nice

Hotch: He gets stuck in this bucket weekly and always comes out fine.

Der: what a kid

Spence: aw wait i miss jack 🥺🥺

Der: no

Spence: dereeeek

Der: babe we just checked in please 

Spence: but jack isn’t here

Der: at least give me 24 hours 

Spence: :-(

Der: i’m not budging 

Spence: 🥺🥺

BB Girl: the puppy dog eyes !!

Der: no

JJ: you can’t possibly be immune to the puppy dog eyes.

Der: i am

Der: i’ve know him long enough and given in too many times

Der: i’ve adapted 

Lesbo: no one is immune

Lesbo: not even me and i don’t even have a heart 

Hotch: I’m also immune.

BB Girl: not even a little bit true 

Hotch: I am.

Der: you are not 

Der: the list of people who are immune to his puppy dog eyes contains one name and it is mine 

Spence: the cop that gave me a speeding ticket three months ago also was not persuaded by them

Spence: and my freshmen year of college chem professor said i was too old to be using my looks to get out of things and tried to fail me ://

Lesbo: too old? weren’t u like 15?

Spence: 12 :)

Der: that’s a hate crime 

Spence: no it’s not <3

Spence: but i aced his class anyways cause im ~genius~

Hotch: Derek.

Der: yeah he found the little sample bottles of alcohol and i just was not fast enough to stop him

Lesbo: good time for him to catch my pigeon 

Der: i think we’re going to the pool?? he grabbed his swimsuit and left so i have to go keep him from drowning because this fucker can’t swim sober 

Hotch: You probably should not have taken a vacation.

Der: yeah a little late for that 

Der sent a photo.

Der: wet rat looking ass

JJ: why is he smiling? he looks like he’s gasping for air but he’s grinning?

Der: he was getting yelled at and he’s a cheeky motherfucker 

Lesbo: lmaoo by a lifeguard or something?

Der: no, by me 

Der: can’t take this toddler any fucking where 

Der: “do you want icecream? i think you want icecream. i think you want strawberry and vanilla swirl with rainbow sprinkles”

Spence: raisin fingers

BB Girl: hi sweetheart

BB Girl: what does that mean?

Spence: hi 

Spence: fingers r raisins 

Spence: dehydrated grapes 

Hotch: His fingers have been underwater for too long and pruned up.

BB Girl: i forget that he’s a lightweight

Lesbo: he gets drunk just being around drunk people too long 

Spence: not true :-(

JJ: spence you should just stick next to derek and avoid more alcohol

Spence: but it’s a vacaaaationnn 🥺🥺

Spence: and i’m several years older than the legal drinking age 

Hotch: Don’t you want to remember some of your vacation?

Spence: i want a puppy

Der: No.

Hotch: No.

Lesbo: wooah derek pulled out the uppercase AND punctuation 

Spence: it’ll be like preparation for children 

Der: for a million reasons, no

Lesbo: derek what happened to your dog? clooney?

Der: he was a foster pup but he’s got his forever home now which is GOOD because SOMEONE is ALLERGIC to PET HAIR

Spence: so we get one that doesn’t shed much!!

Der: the answer is going to be no no matter how many times you ask 

Spence: hamster 

Der: no

Spence: snake 

Der: n o .

Spence: oh oh oh !!!

Der: if you’re going to ask if we can have a tarantula i’ll leave you here and go home 

Spence: fishie!! fishie!! 🐠 

BB Girl: fishies!!! 

Lesbo: fish are naaasty

Spence: 😡😡🐠🐠

JJ: henry has a fish, we’re hoping it dies soon because it’s so inconvenient 

Hotch: Jack had a fish for four years that died under mysterious circumstances.

Spence: murderer!!!

Hotch: Perhaps.

Spence: derek if you kill my fish i swear to god i’ll kill you

Der: spencer i don’t want a fish

Spence: it’s not for you!! my fishie !!

Der: you hardly feed yourself, how do you expect to be able to take care of a fish on a regular schedule?

Spence: feeder 

BB Girl: i have one you can use!! 

Der: don’t encourage him 

Der: no pets

Spence: please please please

Der: no

Spence: i’ll take care of it and i’ll feed it and clean the bowl and you’ll hardly even notice it’s there!

Der: for all of three days, sure, but then you’ll realize fish are incredibly boring and then im the one stuck taking care of it until it dies

Hotch: You’re so strict.

Der: YOU’RE calling ME strict?

Der: you still go all steve rogers “language” every time he swears ! i’m learning from you!

Hotch: Swearing is against the rules for children.

Spence: im fucking 25!

Hotch: Not amused.

Spence: :) 

Hotch: I can cut your vacation short any time I want to and I don’t even need a valid reason.

Spence: :( 

Spence: so where are we at on getting me a fishie?

Der: absolutely not.

Der: i’ll settle for sea monkeys, would you like that? would you like some sea monkeys?

Spence: what the fuck are sea monkeys?

Hotch: Spencer.

Spence: genuine question

Spence: i know so much and i could not even guess what a sea monkey is 

JJ: YOU NEVER HAD SEA MONKEYS?

Spence: is it like a euphemism for an std? is it like crabs?

JJ: NO

Lesbo: i guess she really loves sea monkeys

JJ: THEY ARE LIKE PET 101

Spence: so it’s a pet?

Hotch: Not really.

Der: it’s the closest i’m willing to get to getting you a pet 

Spence: i’m going to start crying if no one shows me what a sea monkey is soon

BB Girl sent a photo.

Spence: oh ew

Spence: i want 10

Der: we’ll talk when you’re sober 

Spence: nooo

Spence: i’m tipsy and i want monkeys

Spence: give me monkeys 

Lesbo: give him monkeys 

Der: emily you are the least helpful person in the world 

Lesbo: thank you, really, that means a lot 

JJ: if you don’t buy the boy sea monkeys i will 

BB Girl: oh that reminds me!! engagement party??

Spence: derek derek derek please can i help plan that? please let me plan just one thing!!

Der: in exchange for no pets until we live in a house, i will let you plan the engagement party

Lesbo: oooh

Spence: hhhh

Spence: not even sea monkeys? 🥺🥺

Der: okay. you may have sea monkeys ONLY.

Spence: mmmmm

JJ: sea monkeys 

JJ: sea monkeys 

JJ: sea monkeys 

Lesbo: i can’t believe you’re the most responsible of us 

Hotch: I’m right here?

Lesbo: okay “ur door knob is cold” and “cup of mac and cheese”

Hotch: You’re fired.

Spence: okay okay deal 

Spence: sea monkeys and engagement party 

BB Girl: okay so let’s talk location and theme and activities and food and then we can specify guests and gifts 

Spence: wait no i’ve changed my mind 

Spence: derek help

Der: you’re ridiculous 

Der: we’ll ask rossi if we can use his place, the theme is whatever you think will look nice mama, and everything else is just the same

Der: you have free reign so long as it’s affordable 

BB Girl: yesssss

BB Girl: guest list? just us? parents? sisters? 

Spence: i think we’ll tell my mom separately but we should have fran and sarah and desiree there

Spence: and any other family members that are interested??

Der: which is all of them

Der: we’ll just send a big message all at once for all of them and they can decide if they want to drive out 

Hotch: Spencer, text me.

Spence: engagement gc work? 

Hotch: Sure.

**Engagement?**

Pretty Boy: what’s up?

DerBear: yeah freaking me out a little bit

Aaron Hotchner: I wanted to ask about your family.

Pretty Boy: mmmm okay so how about we don’t talk about it and instead i bring you back $500 in cash from new york 

Aaron Hotchner: Spencer.

DerBear: he’s right, sweetheart, we should talk about it 

DerBear: this is a big deal, a very huge step in your life

Pretty Boy: $600 in cash and a pigeon 

Aaron Hotchner: If you don’t want to discuss it with me, that’s fine, Spencer, but you do need to discuss it.

Aaron Hotchner: You’ll have your BAU family there and if that’s enough for you, then good. But discuss it, think about it for a while. 

Pretty Boy: hhh

Pretty Boy: i want my mom to be part of this, of course i do 

Pretty Boy: i love her and she’s important to me and i would never purposely ostracize her 

DerBear: nobody is doubting any of that, baby

Pretty Boy: but i want this wedding to be a happy occasion and sometimes it’s so hard when she’s there

Pretty Boy: what if she causes a scene? what if she sees all these government officials and she has an episode and it freaks everyone out or she starts to break things or throw things or scream or anything else?

DerBear: we can take that risk if you want to

Pretty Boy: god

Pretty Boy: am i the worst possible son if i say i don’t want to?

DerBear: not even close 

Aaron Hotchner: Not at all. Whatever decision you make is the correct decision. 

Pretty Boy: she’s my mom

Pretty Boy: she’d want to be there

DerBear: you don’t have to decide tonight 

DerBear: and you’re not completely sober, this isn’t the time to make big decisions 

Aaron Hotchner: He’s right. You have time. The engagement party isn’t on a fixed schedule or the wedding. 

DerBear: i think i know the answer but i have to ask

DerBear: what about your dad?

Aaron Hotchner: Derek.

Pretty Boy: it’s a fair question, hotch

Pretty Boy: and one i’ve been thinking about for a long time, like a long long time

Pretty Boy: but i don’t think i want him there and even if we did invite him i wouldn’t want to talk to him

DerBear: that’s okay, sweetheart 

Pretty Boy: is this,,, can i be depressing for a moment?

DerBear: of course 

Pretty Boy: i don’t know how i’ll handle you having your entire family there and me having no one 

Pretty Boy: you grew up with these people, you know them and they know you and they love you 

Pretty Boy: and all i have is my mom and she doesn’t even know me anymore 

DerBear: spencer

DerBear: baby

Aaron Hotchner: Your family will be there, Spencer.

Aaron Hotchner: People that watched you grow, people that know you and love you. They’ll be there for you. No matter if you invite your parents, your family will

be there.

Pretty Boy: oh fuck 

Pretty Boy: now i’m crying 

DerBear: shit man so am i 

Aaron Hotchner: If you promise not to say anything, I’ll admit that I’m a little misty-eyed as well.

Pretty Boy: i am absolutely going to tell everyone i know 

Pretty Boy: der

Pretty Boy: hotch cried

Pretty Boy: done

DerBear: he’s right, though, let’s not forget that 

DerBear: your family will be there no matter what 

Pretty Boy: okay okay

Pretty Boy: i don’t want him at either occasions, i don’t think i want her there either but i will tell her everything

DerBear: okay ❤️

Aaron Hotchner: That’s great.

DerBear: can we be bitches and tell ur dad you got married afterwards though? show him what he missed?

Pretty Boy: You possibly have more issue with him than I do.

DerBear: i think everyone that knows anything about him understands the hatred towards him 

Aaron Hotchner: I also hate your father.

Pretty Boy: aw

Pretty Boy: i love you (both of you)

DerBear: i love you too 

Aaron Hotchner: Tell anyone and I’ll skin you.

Aaron Hotchner: I love you too.

Pretty Boy: derek is right, ur so scary 

Pretty Boy: i’m gonna get blackout drunk now ✌🏻

DerBear: i can’t believe i’m his full time babysitter and i don’t even get paid 

Pretty Boy: i’ll give you as many pigeons as you want 

DerBear: i don’t want any pigeons 

Pretty Boy: that is ideal 

Lesbo: what do you think they’re talking about?

BB Girl: how many twizzlers they can eat in two minutes 

JJ: is that an introduction to you telling us how many twizzlers you can eat in two minutes

BB Girl: 13

Lesbo: loser, i can eat 18 and a half 

JJ: yeah but you bite your tongue every single time 

Lesbo: shut up you can’t even eat 7

Spence: who the fuck made pigeons so god damned slippery 

Spence: i have so much 

Spence: bird oil 

Spence: on my hands 

Lesbo: DUDE WHAT

Der: he’s suuuuper wasted

Der: like splitting a bottle of something with a strong fragrance kind of wasted 

BB Girl: oh that’s one the best kinds of wasted 

BB Girl: second only to candy flavored drinks wasted 

Spence: heheheh

Der: spencer stop fucking STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S DRINKS I CAN’T PAY FOR ALL OF THESE AND THE LAST GUY TRIED TO PUNCH ME

Spence: hehe oopsie 

Der: you’re a menace 

Spence: POGEON ON MU HEAD

Spence sent a photo.

Der: WHEN DID YOU LEAVE THE BAR COME BACK

Lesbo: couple goals ❤️

Der: SPENCER REID


	29. Uninvited From My Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys in new york, ridiculous cups, wedding un-invitations

JJ: henry’s birthday is friday, can i account for all of you to be there?

Hotch: Jack has already picked out his gift.

Lesbo: it’s at our house so yeah probably

BB Girl: OMGGGG

BB Girl: how old is he turning!!

JJ: he’s turning 6 this year, for gift reference though you’ll want to get toys more for 8 or 9 year old kids

JJ: he’s already reading and writing

BB Girl: what a genius aww

Hotch: Jack reads at a high school level and he’s only in 6th grade.

JJ: Henry isn’t even supposed to be able to read by this age

Der: thanks to my wonderful fiance, your kids will be graduating years early

Spence: fuck fuck fuck

Spence: derek help my hands are sticky and the napkins keep flying away so i grab more and they keep FLYING AWAY

Der: alright maybe just a few months early

Spence: DEREK

Spence: this man has a COW ON A LEASH LOOK

Lesbo: cow on a leash?

Spence sent a photo.

Lesbo: oh how i love new york

Spence: every surface in new york is moist but i like it too

Der: we’re having pancakes for lunch today and i think that’s really gotten his heart rate up

BB Girl: amongst other things?

Der: don’t get me riled up sweetheart, he won’t fuck in a hotel

Spence: derek!

Der: pardon me

Der: he won’t “make love” in a hotel

Spence: nOT THE ISSUE I HAD WITH THAT STATEMENT

JJ: so will you both be there friday?

Spence: oh i’d rather die than not be there

Der: he bought the first gift on december 30th

Der: and many since

Der: i suspect we’ll be there even if we have to walk

Spence: mm i would Not walk

Spence: you would carry me

Der: oh of course i would princess

Spence: >:-(

Der: what would henry like from me? i don’t think he wants cash..?

JJ: books and train-related things

JJ: he’s real big on the trains at the moment

Lesbo: next time he wants to me to pretend to be a conductor i’m going to cry

Spence: chuga chuga

Hotch: CHOO CHOO

Hotch: HI IT’S JACK

Hotch: DON’T TELL MY DAD

Lesbo: we’re not snitches here

Hotch: WHAT IS A LESBO

Lesbo: oh no

JJ: what are you up to today, jack? first day off of school in a while, yeah?

Hotch: DAD TOOK TIME OFF OF WORK SO WE COULD SEE A BASEBALL GAME BUT IT’S SO COLD SO HE’S GOING TO THE CAR TO GET JACKETS

Der: who’s playing?

Hotch: RED TEAM AND ORANGE TEAM

Der: who’s winning?

Hotch: RED TEAM IS WINNING

Der: cool

Spence: hi jack!!

Hotch: HI SPENCER

Spence: did you get popcorn?

Hotch: YES

Spence: nice! how was that book report last month?

Hotch: GOOD! MY TEACHER READ IT TO THE CLASS AND SAID I HAD GOOD DESCRIPTIONS

Spence: that’s really great buddy! i’m going to finish my lunch, enjoy the game! and don’t ask your father what a lesbo is

Hotch: OKAY

Hotch: Who the hell is responsible for this? 

Spence: okay well it wasn’t me and jj tried to fix it and derek is essentially me so he also doesn’t count

Hotch: Just say it was Emily.

Spence: it was emily 

Lesbo: it wasn’t on purpose! this is not a chat for children and you gave him access!

Hotch: I handed him my phone in case he had an emergency and he was given specific instructions to only contact Spencer or Derek and in the most dire of circumstances, Garcia.

BB Girl: i’m offended and also thankful boss man

BB Girl: i have not been programmed to handle children

Hotch: It’s clear.

JJ: why not me?

Hotch: You’re Emily-adjacent.

Lesbo: dude i am not a criminal

Hotch: I haven’t checked your record in a while so I can’t be sure.

Lesbo: dude

JJ: she’s good, i promise

Hotch: Debatable.

Hotch: Why is no one working? It’s still a work day.

JJ: paperwork day

Hotch: That still means you have to do work.

JJ: it’s lunch

Hotch: It’s 10:19.

Lesbo: early lunch

Hotch: IT’S 10:19. IT’S STILL BREAKFAST TIME.

Der: dude who eats breakfast at 10:19

Spence: us every weekend, derek

Der: :-/

Hotch: Do your jobs. Eat your pancakes. Bye.

BB Girl: bye hotch rocket!

Hotch: No.

BB Girl: :-(

Pretty Vampire changed his name to Pretty Boy.

Handsome: that’s too basic now

Handsome changed Pretty Boy’s nickname to “Baby”.

Baby: you make my heart weak

Baby: but if you steal the blanket again i’ll kill you

Handsome: i already asked for extra blankets for you and two additional pillows

Handsome: what more could you possibly want from me?

Baby: :-(

Handsome: don’t pout

Baby: :-( pwease

Handsome: don’t baby talk either

Baby: cuddle wif me?

Handsome: oh alright fine

Baby: hehe

Handsome: sleepy time

Lesbo: happy wednesday losers

Lesbo: when do you idiots get back?

Der: a little after 5

Lesbo: ugh, nevermind

Der: ??

Spence: best not to ask

BB Girl: GIFTS GIFTS GIFTS

Spence: hi hi hi! we’re back! we have presents!

BB Girl: BRING THEM NOW

Hotch: It’s truly ridiculous how often I have to remind FBI AGENTS THAT THEY HAVE JOBS.

Der: we got you a gift

Hotch: I’ll extend lunch for an additional 10 minutes and then you need to do work.

Der: nice

~

Lesbo: stuffed pigeon <3

Hotch: Where did you find a “FAKE FATHER” mug? Why do they make them?

Der: custom made, only $20 

Hotch: Why would you buy a mug that expensive?

Spence: love :)

Hotch: Gross.

Hotch: Thank you.

JJ: thank you for the new york t-shirt and the smaller version of it for henry and the even smaller version for his teddy bear

Hotch: You are grossly irresponsible with your money.

Spence: yeah :-/

BB Girl: GLITTER SNOWGLOBE

BB Girl: FOR MY LAIR

Spence: yeah !! :-)

BB Girl: oh i love you i love you i love you

Spence: :)

BB Girl: let’s get married sweet prince

Der: get in line

Lesbo: stop that, it’s gross

Lesbo: let’s talk about my stuffed animal pigeon with a top hat

Lesbo: i have a stuffed animal pigeon with a top hat

Spence: i bought him tap shoes as well! for his little pigeon feet!

Lesbo: oh you think of everything

Lesbo: now i can understand the want to marry you

Spence: so i’m undesirable without the pigeon shoes?

Lesbo: you are essentially useless to me without material possessions

Spence: uninvited from my wedding

Spence: you’ll have to be a plus one

Lesbo: hey jj can i be your plus one?

JJ: henry was going to be my plus one

Lesbo: dude

Spence: henry gets his own invitation with his own plus one

JJ: his plus one WILL be a teddy bear

Spence: as expected

Der: hotch who’s your plus one going to be?

Hotch: Shut up.

BB Girl: IS THERE GOSSIP? TELL ME NOW

Hotch: Derek. Shut up.

Der: come ooon i have to tell someone other than spencer, he isn’t fun to gossip with

Hotch: You told Spencer?

Spence: he can’t keep a single secret from me

Der: wedding location

Spence: he can keep 1 (one) secret from me

BB Girl: WHO IS IT? LET ME RUN A BACKGROUND CHECK

Hotch: I can handle myself.

BB Girl: HOTCH PLEASE

Der: baby girl i already ran the background check, she’s good

Lesbo: oooh it’s a giiirl

Hotch: A woman. Derek, stop.

JJ: what’s her name

Hotch: Really, JJ, really?

JJ: my life has gotten routine, i need some drama

Hotch: Watch a soap opera.

Der: her name is cecilia fairbanks

BB Girl: got it

BB Girl: oh damn she’s Hot with a capital Hot

BB Girl: and she’s 34 and has an education degree

BB Girl: aaron hotchner i know you are not dating jack’s teacher

Hotch: I am not.

Der: i think maybe you are, hotch

Hotch: It’s not his homeroom teacher! It’s his music teacher from last year. 

Lesbo: that’s awful, hotchner

Lesbo: but you know she’s good with her hands

Hotch: I hate every single one of you.

Spence: :-(

Hotch: If you didn’t love Derek I wouldn’t have to tolerate him as much. You’re part of this.

Spence: you’re also uninvited, you can be jack’s plus one or you can’t come

Der: but if he’s a plus one then he doesn’t get his own plus one and we don’t get to meet cecilia

Hotch: Deal.

Spence: you’re re-invited

Spence: is she nice? will she make a good mother for me and jack?

Hotch: Lunch ended 10 minutes ago. Work.

Spence: i think that means no


	30. Children and Cecelia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kids, emotional bonding, and meeting hotch's girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter for now, maybe i'll add some plot soon to mix it up?? in the meantime, comment anything you wanna see and i'll almost certainly work it in! thanks for all the love!! <3

Jack’s Favorite: dad

Hotchner: Hi, Spencer.

Jack’s Favorite: can we talk?

Hotchner: Anytime.

Hotchner: Would you prefer to talk in person?

Jack’s Favorite: No because I’m afraid I’ll cry.

Hotchner: Oh?

Jack’s Favorite: I know we talked a long time ago about you walking me down the aisle but I wanted to formally ask you. But I know it’s kind of a stupid thing so if you don’t want to it’s okay and I’m sure you’d rather just sit next to Jack and watch.

Hotchner: Spencer.

Jack’s Favorite: Okay nevermind, you’re right. Is it weird if I ask Rossi to do it? I think he’d probably say no but it can’t hurt to ask.

Hotchner: If anyone other than me walks you down the aisle, I’ll be very upset.

Hotchner: I’m going to do it.

Jack’s Favorite: what about jack? don’t you want to sit with him?

Hotchner: He can sit with Cecilia.

Jack’s Favorite: GASP

Jack’s Favorite: you’re bringing her to the wedding?? i didn’t know it was that serious already

Hotchner: We’ve been on six dates.

Jack’s Favorite: wHAT

Jack’s Favorite: i thought you just started dating like last week??

Hotchner: A month ago, actually. 

Jack’s Favorite: woah

Jack’s Favorite: so it’s going very well?

Hotchner: She’s met Jack already. They get along well.

Jack’s Favorite: what is she like? derek looked her up but i didn’t want to know anything you wouldn’t want me to know

Hotchner: She was Jack’s music teacher last year. We get along very nicely.

Jack’s Favorite: is she pretty?

Hotchner: She is.

Jack’s Favorite: nice

Jack’s Favorite: can i meet her? i promise not to bring derek

Hotchner: She’s going to be at the wedding, you should both have met her by then.

Hotchner: If I can find someone to watch Jack, we could have dinner Saturday?

Jack’s Favorite: garcia would definitely do it or jack could spend the night with henry and we could have lunch instead? it’s good to meet people during the day and there’s a smaller risk of me getting wine drunk

Hotchner: Funny you should mention that. Stop drinking like you just turned 21.

Jack’s Favorite: I did just turn 21, like, four years ago.

Hotchner: It’s irresponsible.

Hotchner: Lunch on Saturday?

Jack’s Favorite: yeah

Jack’s Favorite: i’ll have to start training derek to behave like a regular person

Hotchner: You should’ve started years ago. If he keeps his shirt on, we’ll be lucky.

Jack’s Favorite: no we’re lucky if he takes it off <3

Hotchner: Stop being gay.

Jack’s Favorite: ur homophobic

Hotchner: I’m bisexual.

Jack’s Favorite: still

Jack’s Favorite: so walking me down the aisle and lunch around noon on saturday?

Hotchner: Yes.

Jack’s Favorite: nice

JJ: HELLO UNCLE SPENCER

Spencer: hi hi hi henry!!

JJ: ARE YOU COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY TOMORROW

Spencer: definitely 

JJ: YAY

JJ: DO YOU WANT TO PLAY TRAINS WITH ME AND JACK

Spencer: of course i do bug

JJ: I GOT CHOCOLATE CAKE

Spencer: chocolate is my favorite kind of cake

JJ: ME TOO

JJ: ARE YOU BRINGING DEREK WITH

Spencer: yes of course

JJ: HE’S NICE I LIKE HIM

Spencer: me too

JJ: DO YOU LOVE HIM? MOMMY SAID YOU DID

Spencer: she’s right, i do love him

JJ: I LOVE HIM TOO, THEN

Spencer: that’s great, bug

Spencer: it’s naptime now, isn’t it? mommy would want you to be tucking in

JJ: OKAY

JJ: BYE BYE UNCLE SPENCER

Spencer: bye henry, i love you

JJ: I LOVE YOU TOO NIGHT NIGHT   
Spencer: night night bug

Baby: give me a baby

Handsome: yeah alright let me just pop one out

Baby: i want a baby now

Handsome: damn sweetheart labor takes a while

Baby: give 

Baby: me

Baby: a babyyyy

Handsome: i’ll go grab one, color preference?

Baby: blue

Handsome: i think that would mean it was a dead baby

Baby: oh yeah nevermind

Baby: want the baby to be alive and i want to kiss the little forehead

Handsome: great we’ll figure that out

Handsome: why do you want a baby so badly?

Baby: henry is cute

Handsome: yeah that explains it

Handsome: how about not until after we’re married

Baby: want baby now

Handsome: honey let’s rationalize a little bit

Handsome: we work weird hours, we’re almost never home for more than a day, we’re young and you get drunk like once a week

Baby: why does everyone think i’m a drunk

Handsome: because you’re so easy to tease and calling you a drunk is new

Baby: i don’t like you

Handsome: you loooove me

Handsome: but we can agree to wait a little while?

Baby: i should get a part-time babysitting job so i can see babies more

Handsome: you should’ve become a delivery nurse

Baby: i didn’t want to go to medical school

Baby: but i’ve spent a lot of time looking at the newborns at the hospital

Baby: they’re so small

Baby: oh my goodness they’re so so small

Handsome: alright let’s go look at babies at the hospital

Baby: yay!!

JJ: spencer you brought 8 gifts

Spence: yeah!!

Lesbo: he makes the rest of us look bad

JJ: you’re right, i look like i didn’t even try

Hotch: I brought three gifts. Give me praise.

JJ: you did great too hotch

JJ: thank you for the train extension, now his train can go upstairs

Lesbo: i’ve already tripped over it three times

Lesbo: i’m going to break my ankle

Hotch: That’s the plan. I’ll finally have a reason to suspend you.

Lesbo: evil genius

Spence: there isn’t room for two geniuses

Hotch: Then leave.

Spence: GASP

Der: over dramatic, every single one of you

Handsome: how dare you dress like that in public

Baby: don’t do this 

Baby: we’re meeting hotch’s girlfriend we need to be on our best behavior

Handsome: yeah but look at your butt in those pants

Baby: no

Handsome: okay i’ll look enough for the both of us

Handsome: remind me not to eat too much at lunch because i need to save room for you

Baby: quit it

Handsome: nom nom nom

Baby: you go from sexy to ridiculous so quickly i’m getting whiplash

Handsome: i want to grab your ass in front of hotch and see what happens

Baby: what happens is my elbow in your face and your nose jarringly out of place

Handsome: can i call cecelia a nickname or is it too soon?

Baby: if it’s not cece then the answer is that no

Handsome: what a boring nickname

Baby: don’t harass her

Baby: she’s supposed to be coming to our wedding

Handsome: ooh they’re serious??

Baby: yeah i guess so

Baby: just behave

Baby: don’t grab my ass

Handsome: please

Baby: no

Baby: derek!!

Handsome: haha

D_Morgan: she seems nice

A_Hotchner: Don’t sugar-coat it. What do you really think about her?

D_Morgan: you’re really asking for my opinion?

A_Hotchner: Well, Spencer is very gay and would also only tell me what I want to hear.

D_Morgan: okay that’s fair

D_Morgan: she really is nice

D_Morgan: she dressed up, painted her nails, got her hair done and everything

D_Morgan: so clearly she cares a lot about you and about pleasing people that are important to you which is good sign

A_Hotchner: Don’t profile her.

A_Hotchner: Straight-forward honest opinion on her.

D_Morgan: she’s good, she’s good for you and she’s funny and i think she’s probably exactly your type

A_Hotchner: I don’t care enough to ask what you think my type is.

D_Morgan: i’ll tell you anyways

D_Morgan: tall, athletic, horribly sarcastic and usually brunette

A_Hotchner: Haley is short, stationary, hated comedy, and has been blonde her entire life.

D_Morgan: and you two worked out so well

A_Hotchner: Point made. 

A_Hotchner: I am absolutely not asking for your approval.

D_Morgan: but you have it

D_Morgan: she’s lovely

A_Hotchner: Thank you.

D_Morgan: have you seen how cute spencer is? isn’t he adorable?

A_Hotchner: Goodnight, Derek.

D_Morgan: night hotch


	31. Hotch Is Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spencer wants children, hotch wishes he didn't have any, garcia is the epitome of chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot coming sooon!! it'll take a little longer to write so enjoy this little chaos chapter with Tired Dad!Hotch and Kidnapper!Spencer haha

**Penelope Garcia > Spencer Reid**

PennyG: hey cutie

PennyR: hi!!

PennyG: engagement party guest list 

PennyR sent a file.

PennyR: not very many people

PennyG: that’s okay <3 is the wedding guest list the same? we could start thinking about invitations if it is 

PennyR: i made the other list separate

PennyR sent a file.

PennyG: oh

PennyG: you sure honey?

PennyR: yeah, i’m sure

PennyR: but please don’t tell derek

PennyR: we talked about it and i said i wouldn’t but i thought about it some more and i think i’ll regret it if i don’t 

PennyG: okay sweetheart, your choice 

PennyG: nothing is going to keep your wedding from being perfect so long as i’m in charge 

PennyR: i know, thank you

PennyR: i love you

PennyG: i love you too baby boo

PennyR: do you have a light pink nail polish?

PennyG: i have hundreds

PennyG: do i finally get to paint your nails!!?

PennyR: yeah i want to have pink fingernails :)

PennyG: oh you’re so cute 

PennyG: i can do designs, too! little hearts on your fingers !!

PennyR: oh yes yes !! do that !

PennyG: sleepover??

PennyR: i’ll ask derek :)

PennyG: hehe he’s invited if he wants to come with, i just bought a gorgeous deep red i think he’d look lovely in 

PennyR: he says yes and that he wants purple instead 

PennyG: drama queen

PennyR: i know!!

PennyR: come over! we’re doing homemade pizza but we can’t drink bc derek keeps making fun of how often i like to get wasted 

PennyG: laame

PennyG: yeah alright i’ll be there

**Penelope Garcia > Derek Morgan**

Baby Girl: would the baby be upset if i did his makeup while he was sleeping?

Chocolate Thunder: eh, not really

Chocolate Thunder: i’m going to help, teach me the many wonders of a smokey eye

**Spencer Reid > Penelope Garcia**

PennyR: why would you do this to me

PennyG: derek’s idea

PennyR: don’t lie to my face like that

PennyG: it’s not lying to your face, it’s over text

PennyG: but derek did help

PennyG: he’s excellent at eyeliner

PennyR: sigh

PennyR: the rest of my life is to be spent with this beauty guru

PennyR: wait is it still guru if it’s a man?

PennyG: i think so

PennyG: honestly the peach is not your color, i think we should try a nice coral or a dark plum, perhaps even a mauve

PennyR: what’s mauve

PennyG: it’s a purple-ish color

PennyG: i think you’ll like it

PennyR: still upset that you violated my peaceful sleep in exchange for making me look like a drag queen

PennyG: oh you’d be the absolute best drag queen

PennyR: i would Not

PennyR: i am a shapeless form

PennyG: that’s why they make foam, honey

PennyR: the answer is still no

PennyG: can’t we at least try!!?

PennyR: no

PennyR: plus, can you imagine me in heels? i already can’t walk

PennyG: baby giraffe 

PennyR: my drag name

PennyG: your drag name would be Mauve

PennyR: that’s a good one, you’re right

PennyR: okay now how do i get this off?

PennyG: makeup wipes en route

**Garcia’s Groupies**

JJ: someone come give spencer a hug

Der: okay

BB Girl: okay

Lesbo: physical affection? mmm 

Hotch: Why does he need a hug?

JJ: he’s crying on the floor in the side room where i asked him to watch henry so i could finish a few files

Der: why is he crying?

JJ: @Spence

Spence: HE TOLD ME I WAS HIS HERO I CAN’T EVEN BREATHE I CANNOT BREATHE HOW DOES HE JUST SAY THAT AND MOVE ON 

Der: oh sweetheart

Der: on my way to let you cry into my shirt

Lesbo: ?? he says that all the time? he asked me last night if your cape was at the dry cleaners

Spence: SWEET BABY JESUS WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME

JJ: i specifically do not mention it for this reason

Der: he’s going to dehydrate himself

Hotch: Jack said you were like Spider-Man and I was jealous so I didn’t say anything but I have since decided to share. 

Spence: AHHH

Hotch: I know he’s my pseudo-son but he’s still fun to mess with.

Der: you’re a wonderful father

Hotch: I am.

Spence: I’M STEALING HENRY

JJ: hey!! that’s my son! give him back!

Spence: nO! I WANT HIM SO NOW HE IS MINE!

Der: baby that’s kidnapping and it’s frowned upon :/

Spence: THEY CAN’T PROVE A THING

Lesbo: pretty sure you’ve been lying about being a genius and are instead just a good guesser

Spence: DON’T BE MEAN I AM FRAGILE RIGHT NOW

BB Girl: right now? sweetheart 

Spence: YOU ARE BULLIES

BB Girl: out of love

Spence: HENRY WANTS TO PLAY TRAINS WE’RE LEAVING

Hotch: Spencer, it’s not 5 yet.

Spence: I CANNOT HEAR YOU I AM PLAYING

Hotch: You’re awful. I’m grounding you.

Spence: I’M 25

Hotch: Grounded. No espresso for a week and also no Derek.

Spence: ?? WE LIVE TOGETHER ???

Hotch: He can stay at a hotel.

Der: ?? dUDE?? it was my place first!

Hotch: I don’t care. 

Der: you’re annoying

Hotch: I’m walking your future husband down the aisle. If you’re not careful, we may just make a wrong turn.

Der: down the straight line?

Hotch: No, on the drive there. We’ll be in Barbados before you realize he’s gone.

Spence: ugh

Spence: can we go to uruguay instead?

Hotch: No, you’re grounded.

Spence: friendship with everyone ENDED

Spence: it’s me and henry and jack against the rest of the world

Hotch: Jack would never.

Spence sent a photo.

Hotch: Get out of my house, Spencer.

Spence: no :-)

Spence: does cecelia get paid to watch jack?

Hotch: Leave my house.

Spence: if you’re worried i’m going to find your stash of snack foods, you needn’t panic

Spence: henry and i stopped for slushies on the way

Hotch: You’re a horrendous influence.

Spence: yeah but jack aced his math test and i promised i’d buy him a treat if he did that

Hotch: Don’t parent my son.

Spence: i’m not parenting

Spence: i’m big-brothering

Spence: always wanted a sibling and now i’ve got one and i love him

Der: you left your bag at work, sweetheart

Spence: bring it to hotch’s

Hotch: Do not bring it to my house. Spencer, stay out of my room.

Spence: whyyyy

Hotch: Don’t ask questions, just stay out.

Spence: i’m going to make wild accusations

Spence: dead body

Spence: 18 cats

Spence: a ham

Spence: goat cheese shaped to look like eva longoria

Hotch: Stop that. For specific reasons that I will not list, stay out of my room.

Spence: i want to go in there so badly

Der: baby

Spence: :-(

Der: behave

Spence: alright fine, we’re going to the park

Hotch: Jack has homework to do.

Spence: he does not

Hotch: Yes, he does. If he says he doesn’t he’s lying.

Spence: … may or may not have…. helped him with it

Hotch: Did you do his homework?

Spence: … nooooo

Hotch: Awful. 

BB Girl: impromptu dinner at hotchner’s?? 

Hotch: What? Don’t invite people to my house for a meal.

Spence: i’ll be there with the children

Der: i’ll be there with my child/future husband

JJ: well i have to get my child back somehow

Lesbo: i’m just there for the food

Hotch: This is an excuse to meet Cecelia.

BB Girl: yep

Hotch: You could’ve just asked.

BB Girl: you would’ve said no

Hotch: You’re right and I’m still saying no.

Lesbo: come ooon 

Lesbo: you’re the dad, we have a right to meet our mother

Hotch: You have no such thing. I’m not going to force her to meet all of you.

Spence: i told her and she’s excited to meet everyone :) and now we’re going to the park

Hotch: I’m going to move.

Spence: we’ll find you

Spence: we’ll always find you

Lesbo: serial killer vibes

Spence: derek leave work early and push me on the swing

Der: okay

~

Spence: I SAID TO PUSH ME ON THE SWING NOT PUSH ME OFF THE SWING JERK

Der: i told you to hold on

Hotch: Fine. There are rules.

Hotch: Don’t mention her being Jack’s teacher. Don’t ask about our dates, about how we met, about ANYTHING sexual. Be KIND and RESPECTFUL.

Lesbo: oh it’s serious serious??

Hotch: Also don’t say that.

JJ: i’ll keep her in check

BB Girl: can we ask about her job at all? 

Hotch: Very basic questions. When did she start, what did she study, does she like her job etc.

Spence: 12 years ago, music education, yes

Hotch: Spencer. 

Spence: my bad

Der: i’ll keep him in check

Hotch: Who is going to keep you in check?

Der: gasp of shock

Hotch: Dinner will be done at 5:45.

BB Girl: this’ll be fun

~

Hotch: The rules were so simple.

Hotch: So very simple.

BB Girl: i just wanted to know if you were any good at kissing

Hotch: Garcia.

BB Girl: i waited for the children to step away!

Hotch: If you were under my jurisdiction I’d fake fire you.

BB Girl: oh well

BB Girl: well she said you were a good kisser, so good job

Hotch: Everyone leave my house.


	32. Fran Morgan Superiority

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hotch and jack are sick, spencer is nerd, derek and emily like to create problems, jj is default parent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter!! that's so many in such a short time i hope you guys don't get spoiled!! thanks for the love <3 every comment makes me so happy and sparks inspiration!! enjoy enjoy enjoy

Lesbo: anyone know how to file taxes?

Spence: me !! i do !! i’ll help !!

Lesbo: does anyone else know how to file taxes?

Der: he’s been doing mine since he started working with us 

JJ: will does mine

BB Girl: i get help online

Lesbo: so only the baby does his own taxes?

Spence: hotch does his own but he’s busyyyy

Lesbo: ugh

Lesbo: alright spencer do you want to do my taxes for me 

Spence: i do !!

Spence: hehehe 

Der: nerd 

Spence: i’m going to get you audited

Der: baseless threat

Spence: i’ll misfile your taxes 

Der: you love forms too much to even consider that 

Spence: 😑

Lesbo: so you’ll do my taxes?

Spence: i won’t pay your taxes for you but i’ll get everything set up

Lesbo: okay i’m not paying you to do it though 

Lesbo: while you’re doing my taxes you’ll see why

Spence: it’s okay !! i like doing them !

JJ: of course you do

Spence: don’t make fun of me !!

JJ: i’m not i’m not 

JJ: you know i love you 

Spence: you love my babysitting abilities 

JJ: i love you and your abilities are just an additional plus 

Spence: sure 

Hotch: HI GUYS

Der: hi jack, shouldn’t you be at school?

Hotch: IM SICK SO DAD IS LETTING ME STAY HOME AND HE IS STAYING HOME TOO

Lesbo: sweet! substitute teacher! 

Der: you really don’t know anything, do you?

Lesbo: i know i get 10 times more pussy than you 

Der: ten times zero is still zero

Lesbo: damn 

Lesbo: i get more than you do 

Der: i’m in a committed gay relationship so i would sincerely hope so

Spence: me too !

Lesbo: you guys take the fun out of everything

Der: maybe you’re just not very fun

Lesbo: that can’t be it 

Hotch: HELLO

Der: i forgot he was here

Lesbo: hotch is gonna be mad at me :(

JJ: he usually is 

Lesbo: yeah :/

Spence: HI JACK

Hotch: HOW ARE YOU

Spence: i’m good! how are you?

Hotch: GOOD

Hotch: IM HAVING SOUP

Spence: what kind!!

Hotch: CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP

Spence: that’s the best kind of soup!

Hotch: STAR WARS SOUP IS BETTER

Spence: that’s not what i taught you!

Hotch: THEY DON’T MAKE STAR TREK SOUP

Spence: unfortunate

Spence: okay kiddo i’m going to teach you how to take caps lock off 

Hotch: I KNOW HOW BUT THIS IS MORE FUN

Spence: oh good

Spence: how’s ur dad doing? 

Hotch: HE LOOKS SICK BUT HE SAID HE WAS FINE BUT I THINK HE’S SICK

Spence: of course he is 

Spence: you make sure he has some soup too?

Hotch: YES I WILL MAKE HIM HAVE SOUP

Spence: you don’t have to force him to have soup

Hotch: I WILL FORCE HIM TO HAVE SOUP

Der: hey buddy

Der: will you make sure you both have some medicine too?

Hotch: OKAY 

Hotch: OUR MEDICINE TASTES LIKE FRUIT PUNCH

Der: good

Spence: both of you should get lots of rest and drink lots of water 

Hotch: DAD IS SLEEPING NOW 

Hotch: HE IS SLEEPING ON THE SOUP

Hotch sent a photo.

BB Girl: oh how precious

Hotch: HI MRS GARCIA

BB Girl: hello sweet pea!

Der: jack, can you carefully move the soup? we don’t want it to spill all over your couch 

Hotch: OKAY SURE

Hotch: I ATE HIS SOUP

Spence: do you want to go lay down now? you’ll feel better when you wake up 

Hotch: BUT IM BOOOOOREDDDD

Spence: i’ll buy you a comic book if you get into bed 

JJ: the children only like you because you bribe them !

Spence: and magic tricks!! i can do magic tricks!!

Der: jack, go to bed or i’ll tell on you to your dad for not being a good kid

Der: i’m sure you understand how important it is to listen to people that are older and wiser than you 

Spence: you’re just older 

Hotch: IM IN BED

Lesbo: aww they have their fun dad and strict dad assignments already 

Lesbo: cute 

Der: im a fun dad too!

Lesbo: but you also enforce the rules and that makes you the strict dad

Spence: fun dad fun dad fun dad

Spence: that means i’ll always be the favorite, right?

Der: you’ll always be the favorite bc you’re more childish 

Spence: i am no such thing!!

Hotch: GOODNIGHT

Spence: night night jack, i love you 

Hotch: LOVE YOU TOO

Der: goodnight bud

Hotch: NIGHT DEREK LOVE YOU

Der: love you too jack

Spence: i don’t want to be the one to go over there and make sure jack and hotch survive

Der: that’s what they have cecilia for

Spence: aw

Spence: you’re right but she’s working probably

Lesbo: it’s not just me that thinks she’s way too pretty for hotch, right?

JJ: don’t be mean to hotch, he’s sick

BB Girl: cecelia is GORGEOUS, though

JJ: she’s pretty, almost exactly hotch’s type

Spence: he has a type?

JJ: everyone has a type spence

JJ: she’s his

JJ: derek is yours, your his, emily is mine and i’m hers and garcia is everyone’s type

BB Girl: damn right i am

Spence: i don’t have a type! i mean, outside of i like men

Der: don’t start this, you undeniably have a type

JJ: your type is blatantly obvious sweetheart

Spence: i don’t judge people based off of their looks or my first impressions of them so it’d be impossible for me to really have a type!!

Lesbo: okay

Lesbo: so big muscled guy that could lift you without so much as a second thought doesn’t ring a bell?

Spence: derek <3

Der: yeah and also a lot of other guys that you’ve been interested in

Spence: fALSE

Spence: i haven’t been seriously interested in anyone else before you!!

BB Girl: what about that guy in college you told me about? you liked him, didn’t you?

JJ: ooooh

Lesbo: who who who

Der: what? who?

Spence: penelope 

BB Girl: hOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT DEREK DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT HIM

Spence: BECAUSE I TOLD YOU HE DIDN’T BECAUSE IT’S EMBARRASSING

Lesbo: tell us now

Der: yes, tell us now, spencer

Spence: HHHHH

Spence: i had a crush on this guy for like most of my college years and i was super obsessed with him like i wouldn’t leave him alone and he got annoyed and eventually just stopped me and said he wasn’t interested and it was like so humiliating that he noticed i liked him and had to let me down straight to my face

JJ: aw :/ 

Lesbo: haha loser

JJ: emily

Lesbo: sorry

Der: awww sweetheart

Der: it’s okay, he’s stupid anyways

Spence: he was very dumb

Spence: like iq of 8 dumb but he had nice hair

Der: hey

Spence: don’t worry, i’ve since discovered hair does not determine how interested i am in someone

Spence: bald is okay

Der: stop that

BB Girl: bald is okay <3

Lesbo: bald is okay <3

JJ: bald is okay <3

Spence: it’s okay derek, you can tell us you’re bald

Der: i can’t wait to retire

Spence: i’m retiring first!

Der: you’re younger!

Spence: but to raise our little babies i’ll need to retire momentarily and then dramatically i will un-retire and return and solve a bunch of cases or teach a bunch of classes or flip a bunch of burgers, whatever i’m feeling

Der: might i suggest staying away from food jobs because you burn every thing

Spence: slander

Der: twink

Spence: GASP

Der: okay let’s do our jobs

Der: (did i sound like hotch there?)

JJ: no

Lesbo: not at all

BB Girl: who wants to see this video of baby pandas? there’s 7 of them

BB Girl sent a link.

Spence: babi panda

Der: no

Spence: giv me panda

Der: you’re insatiable

Spence: panda please

Hotch: Get to work.

Lesbo: ah man he’s alive

Hotch: Thank you for your concern regarding my health.

Hotch: I ask that you hold back your worries for just long enough to do the bare minimum requirements for your job.

Lesbo: request denied

JJ: how are you feeling?

Lesbo: i’m okay, thanks

JJ: not amused

BB Girl: i am, that was funny

Lesbo: fINALLY SOMEONE TO APPRECIATE MY JOKES

BB Girl: kiss kiss

Hotch: I’m fine. I’m not ill, just taking care of Jack.

Der: “not ill” yeah okay

Hotch: Derek, I’ll break your esophagus if you antagonize me one more time.

Der: hey babe where’s the esophagus

Spence: throat to stomach, essential body part that doesn’t grow back

Der: ah man

Der: okay, sorry hotch

Spence: i can antagonize though

Spence: you’re sick

Spence: you fell asleep in your soup like a small toddler

Hotch: Everything about you is like a small toddler.

Spence: why are you mean today

Hotch: I’m honest today.

Lesbo: ur just bitchy

Hotch: Esophagus stolen.

JJ: a lot of medicine will make you drowsy and loopy and it seems likely that hotch has indulged in that kind

Hotch: Confiscated your knee caps.

BB Girl: now she’s just barely going to be three feet tall

Hotch: Excellent idea.

Hotch: Feet taken as well. You can have them back when you apologize.

Spence: i’m uncomfy with this version of him

Der: i feel like he’s haunting me

Hotch: I am.

JJ: alright kiddies let’s leave him alone for a bit

BB Girl: but moooom

JJ: silence. work time.

Der: i hate this family, i miss my mama

Spence: mama morgan <3

Der: fran

Spence: fran <3

Hotch: Fran is awful and I love her.

Der: sending THAT to her

Hotch: No.

FranMorgan: Have you lost your damn mind?

AaronH: In my defense, I’m under the weather.

FranMorgan: You’re going to be under the ground if you talk about me like that every again.

AaronH: Yes ma’am.

FranMorgan: I’ll send you my soup recipe. Best believe the spices can get rid of anything.

AaronH: Can they get rid of your son?

FranMorgan: They can get rid of almost anything.

AaronH: Damn.

FranMorgan: Don’t use that language with me. My murder threat stands tall.

AaronH: Understood. Thank you, Fran.

FranMorgan: Feel well soon, Aaron. We’ll see you in a couple weeks for the engagement party?

AaronH: I suppose we will. 

FranMorgan: Goodbye.

AaronH: See ya.

FranMorgan: Pardon you?

AaronH: Typo. Goodbye, ma’am.

FranMorgan: Mmhm.


	33. Pre-Engagement Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> preparing for engagement party, cute uncle spencer again, and some usual moreid lovey dovey stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im feeling particularly lonely this valentines season and i’m compensating with this <3 THANK YOU FOR 11,000 HITS !! <3

Handsome: tacos for dinner?

Baby: yes yes

Baby: garcia sent me some pictures for our engagement party, like foods and decorations to approve 

Handsome: are they beautiful?

Baby: i haven’t really looked at them yet, i figured we could look at them together after dinner 

Handsome: okay

Handsome: get some wedding planning done too? we can think about our menus and we have some important clothing options to look through 

Baby: i still think we should do purple ties

Handsome: i had an idea, tell me if it’s lame or not 

Handsome: you could wear mismatched socks and one of them could be purple and the other could be our something blue 

Baby: my biggest regret is not agreeing to date you sooner 

Baby: i didn’t think i could love you this much 

Baby: i would love that a lot 

Handsome: okay sweetheart :)

Handsome: we’re out of sour cream

Baby: didn’t i buy some last week?

Handsome: yeah but then you put it where the mayo goes and i tried to put mayo on my sandwich and instead had sour cream on my sandwich

Baby: you didn’t notice how different they are?

Handsome: there is no reality in which that was my fault 

Handsome: buy sour cream and taco shells

Baby: yeah okay, do we need anything else?

Handsome: kisses 

Baby: i’ll look for some, any idea what aisle?

Handsome: treats aisle, cupcake 😘

Baby: lame 

Handsome: how dare you call my amazing flirting lame

Baby: “amazing flirting” 

Handsome: don’t knock the techniques, they landed me you 

Baby: i’m not exactly hard to get 

Handsome: tell that to the years of hopeless pining and pints of icecream i comforted myself with 

Baby: if you had ever asked me straight up if i liked you, i would’ve said yes

Baby: if it had been the first thing you said to me, i probably would’ve agreed against my better judgment about stranger danger 

Handsome: what was the first thing i said to you?

Baby: don’t recall

Handsome: 😑

Baby: you asked me what college i was interning with 

Handsome: haha oh yeah 

Handsome: in my defense you looked 17

Baby: i was 20

Handsome: tell me more of the story 

Baby: i told you i was a profiler and you thought i was joking and didn’t believe me until i showed you my ID 

Handsome: didn’t i tease you about being over six feet tall and weighing as much as i did in middle school?

Baby: you did, for a couple minutes 

Handsome: sorry, then what?

Baby: then you complimented my sweater and i said i liked your tattoo and you asked me if i wanted to see the rest of your tattoos

Handsome: you turned bright pink and i almost kissed you right then 

Baby: and then i dropped the book i was holding and you caught it before it hit the ground and i almost passed out 

Handsome: your sweater was an olive green and had a coffee stain on the right sleeve, and you were wearing a grey sock and a burgundy sock and the grey sock had pumpkins on it and i referred to you as “pumpkin” to garcia for several months 

Baby: how could you possibly remember that better than i do?

Handsome: the magic of love 

Baby: cheesy

Baby: i got sour cream, taco shells, and hershey’s kisses cause i couldn’t find any real ones :) 

Handsome: cutie

Handsome: text me when you get off the bus so i can walk you home 

Baby: oki <3 love you

Handsome: love you

~

Baby: i’m hereeee

Handsome: omw 

JJ: it’s this saturday, right?

BB Girl: saturday, 5 pm at Rossi’s, dress nice and bring gifts 

Spence: you don’t have to dress nice or bring a gift, we just want people we love to be there 

Der: and also emily will be there 

Spence: derekkk

Der: BABE THAT WAS SO GOOD THOUGH THE SET UP WAS PERFECT IT WAS RIGHT THERE

Lesbo: i’m bringing rabies to your party

Der: and at least three other diseases 

Spence: DEREK

Der: THE JOKES ARE BEING HANDED TO ME ON A PLATTER I CAN’T NOT TAKE THEM

Hotch: Jack and I will be there.

Spence: is cecelia coming too?

Hotch: I didn’t plan on it. If you want her there, I’m sure she’d be happy to come.

Spence: well i just assumed you’d invite her because she’s your girlfriend 

Hotch: I don’t like the way that sounds.

Spence: okay, romantic partner

Hotch: Also bad.

Spence: female friend 

Hotch: Worst so far.

Spence: significant other?

Hotch: That works.

Lesbo: lmaooo i just realized that hotch has a girlfriend meanwhile his son has a fiancé, hilarious 

Hotch: Stop.

Hotch: I’ll invite her. 

Spence: good :) tell her there’s no dress code!! and if she’s vegan or vegetarian tell her we need to know beforehand

Hotch: She’s neither but prefers healthier food alternatives and she’s allergic to eggs.

Der: did you find that out after making her breakfast ;-)

Hotch: I will remove your intestines.

Der: now i know where those are but i can’t remember if they’re necessary 

Spence: they are 

Der: damn

Hotch: She’d love to come and wants to know what you’d like as a gift.

Spence: we don’t need any gifts 

BB Girl: gifts aren’t about needs!! they’re about wants!!

Der: we want cash

Spence: we want friends

Lesbo: wine 

Der: no wine

JJ: old books 

Der: we DON’T need more books 

Spence: yes we do yes yes books

Hotch: I’ll put her name on the gift Jack and I picked out.

Spence: that works too

BB Girl: does she want vegetarian option then? 

Hotch: Yes.

BB Girl: i’m made to be a party planner 

Hotch: Reassuring from our technical analyst.

BB Girl: i can be good at more than one thing 

JJ: henry insists on dressing up in his finest sweater vest 

Spence: !! can i buy him a new one !! and we can match !!

JJ: he’d die for that 

BB Girl: as would i 

Spence: can i can i can i 

JJ: you may, have fun with that 

Spence: yay :)

JJ/Bug: THANK YOU FOR THE VEST UNCLE SPENCER

Uncle Spencer: of course, bug!! you look positively adorable !!

JJ/Bug: THANK YOU

JJ/Bug: ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED TO DEREK TOMORROW?

Uncle Spencer: no, not tomorrow sweetheart 

Uncle Spencer: tomorrow we just tell all of our friends about how much we love each other 

JJ/Bug: CAN WE DO THAT? I LOVE YOU TOO

Uncle Spencer: and i love you 

Uncle Spencer: this is just an adult thing, okay buddy? but that doesn’t mean i love you any less 

JJ/Bug: OKAY

JJ/Bug: CAN I WEAR MY CONDUCTOR HAT?

Uncle Spencer: of course you can

Uncle Spencer: there will also be some more kiddos closer to your age and i’m sure they’d love to play with you, won’t that be fun?

JJ/Bug: MORE FRIENDS?

Uncle Spencer: yep, derek has some kiddos in his family 

JJ/Bug: YAY! PLAY PLAY PLAY

Uncle Spencer: yep!! and we’ll play too !! but for now you’ve got school in the morning so you need to get some sleepy sleep, okay?

JJ/Bug: SLEEPY SLEEP

JJ/Bug: UNCLE SPENCER WILL YOU READ ME A STORY ON THE PHONE?

Uncle Spencer: i would love to. peter pan?

JJ/Bug: PETER PAN

**Uncle Spencer called.**

**01:14:03**

Uncle Spencer: goodnight bug


End file.
